Kari and Aaron

standard & e

2010-12-20T06:19:00.001-08:00

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2010-11-23T02:02:00.001-08:00

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11 MONTHS AGO WAS MY LAST BLOG?!?!?!?

2010-02-20T13:54:00.000-08:00

If anyone is still checking this pathetic excuse for a blog, I'll be shocked! But just in case...

We've been in our new house almost a year. I LOVE IT! We are so blessed to have such a great house. It is seriously my favorite place to be in the whole world.

Buying a home has been the most significant change in the last year. Everything else has pretty much stayed the same.

Aaron is still at the same schools--and loving it! The weeks/months go by so rapidly. I'm still doing stuff at church--preaching/teaching occasionally; counseling people weekly; singing with the worship band; and now helping out with youth group again-- and I'm loving it!

This past summer was pretty difficult. My previous caregiver, Anna, quit very suddenly last June. For the entire summer I didn't have a caregiver. My friend, Joy, worked with us helping with housework (which was a HUGE help). In August we tried hiring 2 more caregivers who did not work out at all! And then in September, we hired the greatest caregiver in the history of the world. SANTINA! She is awesome. She always has a great attitude, she's funny, she's a very hard worker...and has only called in sick ONE time since September. We absolutely adore her and hope she sticks around forever!

One other significant change has been the addition to our extended family. Micah Breann was born to Rick and Desiree in September. She is a beautiful wonderful baby! We met her in December when we traveled to Chicago for Christmas. Going to Chicago was our trip for the year. It had been 2 1/2 years since we had been there.

This summer we return for the third and final time to Oregon where Aaron will be able to complete his Masters Degree! I'm so glad he's almost done!

There really isn't any more immediate news. God is beautifully faithful to us. We are in a healthy and prosperous season in our lives and we thank God for his goodness.

May God bless all of you.

(Check us out on Facebook for a more day to day glimpse of our lives!)

Love~ Kari.

My Quarterly News Update

2009-03-20T19:30:00.000-07:00

Hello dear friends-

It does seem that I'm updating on a quarterly basis. I've been thinking for awhile that I needed to write to all who read this. There are several updates that I will categorize here for easy reading.

Aaron and Kari
Aaron and I have bought our first home! I have been watching the market for about a year. When prices started really dropping last fall, I started watching closer. Then in January we started seriously looking. One of Aaron's colleagues also works in real estate so we hired her. After looking at about a million houses and putting a couple of offers out there, we finally found one that we love! We are currently in escrow and should be closing at the end of March and then moving towards the end of April. So by my next update we should be enjoying a house!

Aaron's job is going great. Even though this has been such a scary month for teachers, Aaron's job is safe. We are so thankful.

Church stuff has been really good. Not too much to report- it's just been good. The biggest change is that I have been sharing in Worship leading. This is great fun for me as I get to sing a lot! My voice and breathing muscles have become so much stronger. It really is amazing and even surprises me at how much stronger I am.

We also have finally been approved for receiving in-home support services through Medi-Cal. The story is way too long and traumatic to explain here...but we are finally at a place where we don't need to pay for my caregiver-- except for a small monthly share of cost. They also allowed Anna to remain as my caregiver!

Sarah
If you've followed this blog at all, you know the Sarah was diagnosed w/ pancreatic cancer last summer. In spite of extremely aggressive chemo and radiation and some surgery, the cancer has continued to progress rapidly. It is in her liver, stomach, abdominal wall and pancreas. A few weeks ago her kidneys started failing and she's on dialysis. I know her pain level is quite high. Please pray that she wouldn't hurt so much. Pray for a miracle. She's an amazing person...and doesn't deserve this. I know God can heal her. Please please pray.

That's really all I have for now. I'll try to write sooner.

Please remember my dear Sarah.

The Last 3 Months

2008-12-10T16:03:00.000-08:00

Hello dear friends-
If anyone is still checking my blog on a regular basis, I think you are amazing. I have been seriously delinquent in keeping up w/ this. Time has flown by so fast--I can't believe it's been 3 months. Anyway, please forgive me and thank you for reading.

Some of my "excuses" for not writing sooner is this:
Our pastor took a 3 month sabbatical from Sept-Dec. During that 3 months I preached 6 sermons at our church; spoke at an elementary school; spoke at a senior citizen's lunch; spoke in a university class; and spoke at 2 other church services. I also was keeping up with my weekly counseling ministry; leading my LIFE group weekly; and leading/participating in a myriad of meetings and planning sessions to keep our church moving forward while our pastor was gone. Whew! I was busy and having a blast! I love my ministry, my church and my pastor...and I was so thrilled that he and his wife were able to take some much needed time away.

Aaron has been quite busy as usual. My busy-ness contributed to his as he is also my chauffeur! I found other drivers when I needed to, but usually Aaron cheerfully took me where I needed to go. Aaron always has such a good attitude about everything. He still the same cheerful, silly and goofy Aaron. We get along so great and I'm so thankful every day that God gave me such a great husband.

We also were able to go to Omaha for almost a week at Thanksgiving. We had a great time with my parents, my brother Dustin and neices and nephew. We actually were able to be at Dustin's graduation from the Omaha Police Academy. He is officially an OPD officer! I was so proud of him.

And next week Aaron's mom and brothers and Desiree are coming to California for Christmas! We are so excited for them to come out here. Yesterday was the 2-year anniversary of losing our precious Bryan...it will be good to be together with family next week.

I wanted to give an update on Sarah. Sarah was diagnosed w/ Stage 4 pancreatic cancer around Aug. 1. She has been through extensive chemotherapy and radiation that have produced very little results. The cancer also metastasized to her liver and abdominal wall. They had to stop treatment several weeks ago b/c her body could not handle the drugs. However, 2 weeks ago her team of oncologists decided to perform an "experimental surgery" where they basically go in laproscopically (sp?) and suck out some of the cancer w/ a vacuum. Anyway--the surgery actually worked! They were able to remove the cancer from her abdominal wall, the lower lobe of her liver, and about 2cm from her pancreas. It was enough to put her into partial remission. The doctors were so amazed. They are planning on trying more chemo in a few weeks. Sarah was very encouraged. Even if they can't put her into full remission (which we of course hope for!), they can at least buy her some more time. She left yesterday to go a cruise to the Carribean with her mom and grandma!
So please keep praying for Sarah. She still needs a miracle. Pray for her joy and encouragement.

Well- that's about it. If you want more daily type updates you can check out my facebook page! I'm on there all the time.

Many blessings to whoever reads this. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement!
Merry Christmas!

Sarah

2008-09-11T16:05:00.000-07:00

Hey All-

For those of you who know my dear friend Sarah, I wanted to update you on her condition.
Quick recap: Sarah was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer about 2 months ago. She has been receiving chemotherapy as part of her treatment plan. She also was participating in a couple of clinical trials since pancreatic cancer is so difficult to treat. One of the clinical trials was really bad and tore her stomach lining. So she's not doing that one anymore!
A week or two ago she found out that the cancer spread to her liver. Ugh...
They are now trying radiation. She will be receiving radiation this week and all next week. After that there is a 6-week waiting period to see if it's worked. Please pray that it does. There aren't many, if any, options left.
Sarah needs a miracle. She is still the same silly, goofy, sarcastic Sarah. Her spirits are really upbeat and she really believes she is going to be fine. She is still working and spending lots of time with friends and family. I think she's doing better than the rest of us!!

Please pray that God will heal her!!

In other news...Aaron and I are fine. Nothing new to report! God is good and we are striving daily to live our lives to the fullest.

Blessings to you all-
Kari

Back to School

2008-08-21T17:57:00.002-07:00

Well, Aaron started back to school today. The summer seemed too short- as always. But it was a great summer. We are still trying to catch up after being gone for so long.
Richard and Linda were here for a couple of days this week. It was great to see them. They were busy helping Aaron frame more photos to hang up in our apartment. Our living room looks like a photo gallery! I love it.

Please continue to pray for Sarah. She's been doing chemo for close to 3 weeks now-- oral and injections. The nausea and fatigue set in quickly. Pray for her strength, stamina and sleep! She needs to sleep.

Pray for a miracle.
Please.

Prayer Needed!

2008-08-03T19:20:00.002-07:00

My dear good friend Sarah needs a miracle! If you've followed my blog these last 3 years you know about Sarah. She frequently visited me at the hospital and then became my caregiver for a year.
Sarah was diagnosed on Friday with advanced pancreatic cancer. She begins oral chemo this coming Friday-Aug. 8.
Please pray for God to heal her body. She's only 24 years old. She is a precious and beautiful person.

**In case you haven't checked this blog in awhile, see the previous entry as I just updated yesterday.

Expecting great things,
Kari

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

2008-08-01T13:26:00.002-07:00

Remember your first day back to school when your first assignment was to write a report on your summer vacation? Well, this is my report. It might be kind of long, so grab some lemonade and get comfortable.

On June 18 Aaron, Melissa and I left for Ashland, OR. Aaron began his master's program at Southern Oregon University. He was in class from 8 am-5 pm almost every day for nearly 3 weeks. It's an intensive summer program for 3 summers. One down- two to go!
While Aaron was working so hard in class all day, Melissa and I were hard at work watching movies, shopping, going for long walks in the park and sleeping. There were a few days that we were hotel-bound because of very poor air quality outside from the California fires. The smoke hung in the air like a cloud. On the 4th of July my friend Daleasha and her family came down from Eugene to hang out with us. We had so much fun with them. She brought us a lot of yummy treats and fireworks! Aaron had a concert that night that was followed by a fireworks show. Melissa and I were freezing as the temperature dropped to a bone-chilling 65 degrees. (Yeah, we have issues!) Both of us have very low body temperatures, so anything below 80 requires layers. Anyway we survived...

Aaron did have a couple of days off during his program. We were able to take time one day to visit Crater Lake. Crater Lake is amazingly beautiful as you can see from the pictures. If you ever are anywhere close to it, you should go!

Aaron finished his classes on July 8. So after 20 days at the Holiday Inn Express we packed up and headed north. We stopped at the Wild Animal Safari in Roseburg, OR and drove through the park a few times. It was really neat to see all the animals so close up. Unfortunately for the animals and for Aaron it was 106 degrees outside. Melissa and I were quite content. We are practically reptilian in our need for heat!

We continued our journey to Eugene where we dropped Melissa off in a Target parking lot. Her aunt met us there and we said goodbye to Melissa. Aaron and I spent a couple of days with Daleasha, Gene, Daisy and Nate in Eugene. (Did I mention that Daleasha is pregnant??) We had a blast with them at their house and the beach...which of course, was freezing cold!

After our brief visit in Eugene, we headed to John and Cyndi's for several relaxing days.
Cyndi had her baby on June 6. Noah Jeffrey is perfect and cute and smiley. We had so much fun watching him. Josh just loves his Ne-Ne (he can't quite say "Noah" yet!). Josh is a great little boy, and is quite possibly the cutest 19 month old boy I have seen since my last nephew was 19 months old! We had lots of fun play times. Josh loved riding on my lap in my wheelchair-- which melted my heart. John and Cyndi are great parents. They spend so much fun quality time with their boys. One of the best parts of our visit was being a part of Josh and Noah's dedication at their church. It was a sacred time. (We also marked our 3 year milestone with quadriplegia on July 17. Thankfully 7/17/08 was much happier than 7/17/05!)

Ok! On July 18 Aaron and I continued north to Seattle. We spent a couple of beautiful days in that beautiful city. We met up with some friends of mine from Greenville College days, Ramon and Cerise, and they took us around Pike Place one afternoon. We had a fantastic time!

On July 20, our 6 year wedding anniversary, Aaron and I embarked on yet another northward bound journey aboard the Star Princess. Our cruise up the inside passage in Alaska had begun. There are way too many things to write about, so here are a few highlights. Our room was awesome. It was actually big enough for all of our equipment- and we had a window looking out to sea! The ship was enormous and had great food. Our friends Nathan and Hannah were on the same cruise so we had tons of fun hanging with them. We saw whales, seals, puffins, salmon and bald eagles. Quite surprisingly we did not see any bears, moose or caribou. Very disappointing. But the whales were amazing and exciting to spot.
The scenery of Alaska was breathtaking. (I sound like I'm on the Travel Channel). We went through iceberg-y waters; we saw glaciers; islands filled with nothing but trees; and of course spectacular snow-covered mountains.

And yes, with all the icebergs, glaciers, snow and open water...I completely froze. I looked like a giant tan blob with a colorful hat, 2 eyes, and 4 wheels. But all I needed were my eyes to see all the beauty around me.

In the end, we were glad to be getting off the ship and begin the 1200 mile journey--heading south! You've probably never heard of anyone heading south for the summer, but I was ready to thaw out!
We stopped for one night at John and Cyndi's--Josh and Noah were very happy to see Aunty Kari and Uncle Aaron again. They are so cute!! (Have I mentioned that yet?)

We arrived home in Riverside on July 29 to 90 degree temperatures!! Unfortunately we were too late to experience the 5.4 earthquake that occurred earlier that day. But we were thankful everything was ok.

Well folks, I guess that's it. We were gone for 6 weeks. It was a long time to be gone; but as always we are thankful to God for his grace and mercy that allows us to have such adventures in spite of our day-to-day challenges.

Blessings to you all--hope you're having a great summer.

Much love, Kari

It's Raining...It's Pouring

2008-05-23T15:45:00.002-07:00

So Cal has been getting it's share of crazy weather. Yesterday evening, after a rainy day, I was rolling into the auditorium of Aaron's school for one of his concerts. I noticed the very dark stormy sky and felt very cold gusts of air. I thought, "This feels like tornado weather!" But when was the last time So Cal had a tornado?? During the concert (which was quite enjoyable), it started thundering, lightning, and RAINING!! After about 20 minutes it stopped, the evening sun came out and it was beautiful. When we got home we turned on the news and sure enough two tornadoes touched down about 20 miles away. Crazy. It also snowed in the mountains, hailed in LA (they thought it was snow...how cute), mudslides in the foothills, and flooded everything.

Metaphorically speaking, it has been very similar to the last 3 days of my life. Without going into details of my own storm...the end result is...I fired my caretaker about 2 hours ago. I've never been in a position to fire someone. I don't like it. I hate it. I don't want to be a boss. I don't want someone depending on us for a job. I hate BEING "the job."

And now I get to hire someone else who will depend on us for a job. And I will be her boss. And I'll probably get attached to her and care about her like I always do. And then in a year or so, I may have to do it again...and then again...and again.

Pray that God will bring us the right person who can handle me..."the job".
Or pray for a miracle to happen in my spinal cord so we don't need to hire anyone.
Pray that on days like this, I can feel like a human being...and not "the job".

Things I miss...

2008-04-27T15:46:00.002-07:00

Hello peeps...

I have just felt like writing lately. I've felt compelled to write about some of the more intimate things of my daily life. And again, I don't write these b/c I'm looking for pity or sympathy. I just write b/c this is my blog and I can do whatever I want. :) And b/c it's healing for me to do so.

So I am thinking about the things I miss:

hugging
holding hands
holding babies
brushing my hair
braiding my hair
rubbing my eyes
sleeping on my stomach
my old clothes
pants that fit
my old shoes
feeling comfortable socks on my feet
stretching
a cup of warm coffee in my hands
drinking without a straw
crossing my legs
sitting/laying on the couch
holding a book
my handwriting
burying my face in clean laundry
folding clothes
vacuuming
planting flowers
feeling sand on my feet at the beach
curling up into a ball
hiking
climbing rocks at Joshua Tree
petting my cats
driving alone
cooking
wearing dresses
being comfortable
singing
clapping
laying my hands on people to pray for them
spontaneity
typing with my fingers
confidence
feeling pretty
scratching
being warm
opening doors
walking.

Those are just a few. There are a few things I don't miss. That's another list for another day.

Kari

Life as a Quad

2008-04-17T12:57:00.002-07:00

I've been thinking about writing on this topic for awhile. I'm not writing this so you will know "how tough I have it", but because people often ask me what a typical day is like. It's always hard to answer that b/c I'm never sure how much people really want to know. So in case you've ever wondered, here is a pretty detailed description of a day in the life of me:

Aaron's alarm goes off around 5:30. He gets up, after pushing "snooze" a few times, around 6. Before he leaves at 6:40, he puts the phone ear piece in my ear and makes sure the voice activation is turned on. I go back to sleep after he leaves (usually) until my caregiver Anna arrives around 8:30-9. When she gets here I call Aaron to let him know he can stop worrying. :)
Anna gives me my morning medicine and then begins the process of getting me up. I have an indwelling catheter so first she changes my "night bag" over to my "leg bag." The leg bag is strapped to my leg and periodically emptied throughout the day. She then pulls me up into a sitting position so she can get my sling around me. The sling is attached to my lift which lifts me out of bed so Anna can position me into my shower chair. After I'm in the shower chair we begin my bowel program. *Note: If you want to know more about this process in detail you can google it. * That's as far as I will go on the subject. After that's done we head to the shower. That's pretty self-explanatory. I shower like everyone else accept I sit down the whole time. :) After the shower Anna dries my hair, brushes my teeth, and occasionally I get makeup. That's usually an exciting day. (Just for the record: When Aaron gets me ready, he does the best job on my hair and makeup. The only thing he can't do is braid my hair.)
Anyway, after all that, Anna puts my shirt on and we do the sling/lift transfer thing back to bed so she can put my pants on. My pants have to be extra long, slightly stretchy, have no back pockets, and 4 sizes too big. It makes shopping really interesting. After my pants are on I do the sling/lift transfer thing to get into my normal wheelchair. Fitting me into my chair is the last step. We make sure I'm not sitting on any wrinkles in my pants or leaning against shirt wrinkles. My lap strap and chest strap are put on as well as my elbow stops and laterals. These keep me properly positioned throughout the day. And voila!! Just like that, I'm ready for my day... 2 1/2- 3 hours later.
By the time we're done it's time for lunch. Anna feeds me a simple lunch, gives me more medicine, and my day as a "normal" person begins. Depending on the day, my afternoons are usually busy. Two days a week I go to physical therapy. And Wednesdays I go to the church. I have different people who pick me up for those appointments.
Aaron gets home around 4-5. Evenings are nice. Pretty normal.
At bedtime Aaron gets me out of my chair with the sling/lift and puts me to bed. He positions me carefully and makes sure all the wrinkles are out of the sheets. He makes sure that my weight is distributed evenly so no single area of my body has extra pressure on it. This prevents pressure/bed/skin sores. That's why we are so obsessed with wrinkles. They can cause welts on your skin. Since I can't feel it we are very careful. Aaron then changes my leg bag to my night bag so he doesn't have to get up in the middle of the night to empty it. (The night bag is bigger.)
I sleep really well-especially since I started PT. And then we start all over again the next morning.

I guess that's about it. It's a challenge...and almost every day I get annoyed at the whole getting up process. It takes too much time, it's humiliating for lack of privacy, and it's totally out of my control. We are usually late for everything, which I hate, but it is what it is.

So all that to say...I love my life. I love my husband, my family, my friends. I'm thankful for all my equipment, my caregiver, and good health overall. And I'm thankful that I'm still created in God's image.

"For now and always, Christ will be exalted in my body."

One more inch...

2008-04-03T14:56:00.002-07:00

I remember Richard (Aaron's dad) writing on this blog just a few days/weeks after my injury and asking people to pray for just one more inch of movement and function to return to my spinal cord. My injury is at a C-5 level. This gives me the ability to move my shoulders, biceps, and a little forearm. Since I've returned home in the last two years, I am definitely much stronger. And just a few days ago I was able to begin physical and occupational therapy on a regular basis thanks to Medicare. In the evaluation process we discovered that I have a very strong wrist extension. This means that I can lift my wrist at almost full strength. This is a very solid C-6 level of function...just one more inch below C-5. I am going to declare this an answer to prayer.
The PT and OT were impressed with my strength and are looking forward to teaching me more function. I missed out on a lot of therapy at Craig because of my extreme pain, numerous infections, and 40 days of whatever that was. I was basically sent home with a bag full of splints and adaptive equipment with very little knowledge or training in how to use them. So I'm looking forward to finally learning how to feed myself, brush my teeth, comb my hair, drive my chair with a hand drive, etc.
For the last two years I have struggled with a lot of guilt in not learning how to do these things. And every time someone asked me about physical therapy, the guilt just piled on. Most people don't understand that I don't exist just to deal with my paralysis now. I still am trying to live a fairly normal life and contribute to society and don't want to spend hours a day in physical therapy. Not to mention all the hours it takes to just get up and then go to bed every day; finding transportation; and constantly staying on top of doctor's referrals and insurance issues so this can actually be paid for. Maybe in my next posting I will write about what a typical day looks like for me.
Anyway, I don't know if all that makes sense or not. I just wanted to let whoever is still reading about us know that I have "one more inch." And for that I am thanking God.

February Showers bring March Flowers...

2008-03-03T17:06:00.002-08:00

I love California in February and March. Spring comes very early here. There really aren't 4 seasons here like the midwest, but March always seems like a turning point. This week it's supposed to be 75 degrees and sunny every day. I have pangs of guilt even writing this because so many of you are still very much in the throes of winter. February and March are probably the worst months for those of you in the midwest. I remember thinking "Will the gray cold days EVER go away?" But they always do...
There's an obvious metaphor in the transition
from winter to spring. We all have situations in our lives that reflect the winter. The cold, wet, gray weather gives such a sense of bleakness. And sometimes that bleakness seems endless.
Last year at this time I was feeling incredibly bleak. We had just lost Bryan; my dad was undergoing chemo treatments; my brother was in Iraq; I was trying to gather the energy and will to finish my master's degree; I was still getting used to a new caregiver; friendships were changing; and Aaron was struggling with all of these things too- with varying degrees of intensity.
I'm not sure of the exact day I began to see signs of spring. I wish I had written it down. I just remember waking up one night around 2 AM with an old familiar tune from my St. Charles days going through my head. It even took me a few minutes to remember the words:

Jesus, lover of my soul
Jesus, I will never let you go
You've taken me from the miry clay
You've set my feet upon the rock
And now I know
I love you I need you
Though my world may fall
You'll never let go
My Savior my closest Friend
I will worship you until the very end

Whenever that day was, it was my first glimpse of spring. And since then, spring has produced some beautiful things.
Bryan's memory lives on in our hearts and through Bryan House (see www.bryanhouse.org for more info!) ; my dad's chemotherapy was successful; my brother made it safely home from Iraq; I finished my master's degree; I still have my caregiver; I've made new friendships; and Aaron has been through all of this- with varying degrees of intensity.
We also are hosting and leading a LIFE group; I'm preaching, teaching and counseling; Melissa is healed; my sister is having another baby in May; Aaron is having a good year.
This summer we are going to use our travel agency gift certificate we received from Aaron's students last year on a cruise to Alaska. It's a dream we've had for a long time but never thought we could afford.
We are also going to spend 2 1/2 weeks at Southern Oregon University so Aaron can begin his master's degree.
So things are good. I was reflecting on the seasons of this past year as I was sitting on my porch in the 70 degree sun today. There have been rainy days, but the signs of life are always so hopeful. Many of you know that I love tulips. I even named my cat Tulip! I love tulips because they are usually the first spring flower to poke their heads up through the ground after being dormant all winter. The bloom is always an intense bright color and the leaves are so smooth and streamlined and simple. Nothing fancy. They don't last long in California because it gets too hot, so I was enjoying my tulips today while I was outside.

I am very grateful that God fulfills his promise of spring in our lives--and now I have time to sit on my patio and enjoy it. I realize that all of you don't have the privilege and luxury of many spare moments in your day, but try to take some time and look for the signs of spring around you. They are there.

Much love to you all-
Kari

Two Prayers in my heart

2008-02-14T14:04:00.002-08:00

Hello dear friends-

There have been a couple of very serious issues that have come up lately that need some prayer. We are certainly never short on those.

First, my sister-in-law Robin was just married on Jan. 5 to a great guy named Stan. Last week, after showing very few symptoms, Stan was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. It is affecting his stomach and lymph nodes. There is also an area of concern on his liver. Of course this was a HUGE shock to them. They are going to be treating this very aggressively w/ chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. Please be praying for Stan- that God will do a miracle in his body. Pray for Robin- for strength, wisdom and encouragement. Pray for the kids (Robin and Dustin's-[my brother's] kids) Colton 11, Sierra 8, and Savannah 6. This is a precious family that loves and honors God.

Second, my dear friend Amy you've read about so often on this blog, is very sick. She is still in the hospital (since May 2006). She is in California. Amy has a very serious infection in her blood. Her medical team is concerned about the gravity of the situation. They have explained everything to Amy and her family. Of course they are scared. Amy needs prayer! Pray that God will heal Amy's blood and rid her of the infection. Amy is only 29 and has a 10 year old daughter. She has suffered so much already.

Thanks for your continued support. Aaron and I are doing well. I will write a more personal update soon! In the meantime, be praying for Stan and Amy.

Love, Kari

In case you're bored...

2008-01-18T18:15:00.000-08:00

...you may take some time to look at and listen to various things Aaron and I have done. The first two links are concerning our "hero" and "saltshaker" status I mentioned a few blogs ago. Cut and paste these into your browser! Enjoy!

1. This is Aaron's "hero" article. I think he's the 7th hero down on the list:
http://www.inlandempirefamily.com/t-CoverStory_10HeroesAmongUs0108.aspx

2. This is my interview from Light and Life magazine:
http://www.freemethodistchurch.org/Magazine/Articles/Jan-Feb_2008/JF_2008_SaltShakers.html

3. These 4 videos are from Marina Christian Fellowship in LA. I preached there on Dec. 16 with my friend Trisha. I only linked my portion of the sermon here. There were 7 segments--I preached segments 3, 4, 5, 7. Those are listed below.
The point of my sermon was finding joy in the midst of suffering. The message is very personal as I talk about our accident and Bryan's death. It is about 25 minutes long for all 4 segments.
Thanks everyone!

Part 3:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmSJsElpif0

Part 4:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5RTilhE494

Part 5:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdByYscjpxg

Part 7:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buLNwS6QG7Y

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2007-12-31T21:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends-
May God bless you, provide for you, heal you, and keep you safe in the palm of his hand in 2008.
With much love and gratitude-
Kari

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T13:25:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to everyone!

Aaron and I are enjoying our first Christmas in California. Even though we've lived here for almost six years, we've never spent a Christmas here. It does seem strange to be sitting here on Christmas Eve with our sliding door wide open to our little garden--it's 75 degrees outside. Amazing.

I preached yesterday at our church. I talked about different names of Jesus- specifically Emmanuel, which means "God with us." This theme has been in my heart this year, remembering specific times in my life when God has been with me. I was particularly reflecting on last Christmas with Aaron's family just days after Bryan was killed. Bryan's middle name is Emmanuel. Even in the horror and darkness of death, God was and is with us. Always.
Just some thoughts.

We're getting ready for our Christmas Eve service of Nine Lessons and Carols. Then tomorrow we are taking dinner to our friends Abram and Sarah. They are expecting TWINS any day now and are nervous about going anywhere in case something happens! Then we are going to the Logan's house for a bit. It will be a great day!

On the 26th Alice, Rick, Desiree and Daniel are coming. We are so excited to see them!
Our house is all decorated and we have tons of goodies from Aaron's students. So we are ready for our Christmas week.

Have a fantastic Christmas everyone! Thanks for your continuing support. We love you all...
Kari

Quick update

2007-12-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

Thanks everyone, for your kind thoughts and words. My caregiver came back on Monday and we were able to work out an agreement with her. So for the time being, we are okay. We are so grateful because we are so busy this month.
Please keep thinking about any tips you may have on our aforementioned predicament. Some of you asked about donations...if you go to the "donate" tab on the website, there are instructions.
Sorry for the briefness of this blog- I just wanted to update you on my caregiver situation.
Thanks for your constant support!
Love, Kari

Here we go again...

2007-11-30T19:27:00.000-08:00

...SIGH... Big sigh there. My caretaker just called and gave us her two weeks notice. To say I'm frustrated is a massive understatement. The last couple of days have been so rough with her. We really appreciate all she's done for us the last 10 months, but she was unwilling to accept the idea that we don't want to pay her for the days she doesn't work. Are we being unreasonable? I think not. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Anyway--right before she called I was getting ready to post this anyway.
Aaron and I have been talking and praying about our future concerning children, grad school for Aaron, how are we going to keep paying for caretakers out of our own funds. We estimate that we will be out of money in about a year from our fund. We've applied for the available state funding (Medi-Cal) that would pay for home health services. We were denied because we're married and Aaron's salary exceeds the amount you're allowed. I have appealed this and am on a waiting list (for the last 10 MONTHS) for a special waiver program that will waive Aaron's million dollar (I'm kidding) salary. Starting in January we are finally eligible for Medicare; but I found out today that I'm basically NOT DISABLED ENOUGH for them to cover home health care. So I guess it could be worse--at least Medicare thinks it should be. The good thing with Medicare is that they will cover physical and occupational therapy. This is great news. I haven't had PT/OT since I left Craig 2 years ago b/c our insurance benefit ran out. I've considered getting a job, but if I did that most of the "benefits"-or what I like to call "perks to being paralyzed"- would be eliminated. For example, my school loans do not have to be paid back since I'm permanently physically disabled. But if I start working, it compromises that benefit.

So Aaron and I have decided we have 3 options: 1. Become really poor so we get better benefits. 2. Become really rich so we wouldn't need to be dependent on the government. 3. Become famous so we could live off the royalties of published books or motivational speeches.

Please pardon my sarcasm...it's just been a really frustrating few days.

There is a 4th option that we've decided is the most feasible. Fundraising. I have no idea how to go about doing that. I've done lots of fundraising for youth groups, but this isn't exactly like a car-wash or bake sale type of a thing.

So my question for all of you is: Does anyone have any suggestions how to go about doing this? Does anyone know of any legal loopholes in the healthcare system?

We are feeling kind of desperate. We want a family. Aaron has to go to grad school to make it into the next income level. He's maxed out on the bachelor's degree pay scale already. These things won't happen unless we figure this out.

I don't know who still checks our website here, but this has been our largest web of communication in the last couple of years.

We love you all and are so grateful for each of you.

One more thing...Please be in prayer for us. We absolutely trust God to supply and provide for us. He has so far.

Thanks for reading my rambling thoughts...We welcome and NEED your thoughts and comments. If they are personal you may email us at weloveyoukari@msn.com.

Blessings to all of you-
Kari

Prayers and Reasons to be Thankful

2007-11-18T19:48:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone--

I wanted to send out a request. Our senior pastor, Rick, has been having some "heart issues" since Wed. He is in the hospital being monitored. There are plans for an angiogram tomorrow (Mon). Please pray for him. He and his wife are supposed to go on vacation in a few days. I have a sense of urgency about his condition. Pray for rest and peace.

Also...My dear friend Melissa, mentioned in my previous update, is still doing great! Even better, actually, than when I wrote about her amazing healing. She now is facing the reality of life as a "normal" person and has a lot of decisions to make. If you think of her, please pray for that. She's feeling quite overwhelmed.

I also previously mentioned Amy's progress. She is even doing better! She has been moved (again!) to a sub-acute facility much closer to her home. She is eating food-getting up in a wheelchair daily-getting real showers-getting dressed! All of these things are very exciting. The presence of her family and friends is such an encouragement to her.

My heart just smiles when I think of how far these two young women have come. Their will to not just survive...but LIVE...is amazing.

Since I have you here, here's some family news...
My family is doing moderately well. My dad struggles with pain due to various ailments. His wheelchair is a great comfort to him as it enables him to be more mobile. The cancer seems to be somewhat under control-although I'm not fully convinced.
My mom is good. She's the hardest worker I know. She is constantly putting others first-taking care of my dad and her mom.
My grandma (dad's mom) passed away on October 9. She was 98 years old. I think two or three blogs ago there are some pictures of her when we visited last summer. Please pray for my poor grandpa if you think of him.
My brother is supposed to return from Iraq next month! Please keep praying for him...
My sister and her husband keep blessing and bringing joy to our family! The day before Josh turned 1- she found out they are expecting another baby! This little one is due sometime in June. I'm so excited to be an aunt again-for the 5th time!

With Aaron's family- we are getting close to the anniversary (Dec. 9) of losing our precious Bryan. There are still no words to express that intense heartache and devastating loss. Aaron's dad and Linda will be with us on that day. I'm glad we will have family with us this year. One of the worst things on that day was being a million miles away from our family.
Aaron's mom, brothers, and Desiree are coming the day after Christmas. We are so excited to see everyone. After two difficult Christmas seasons in a row, we are looking forward to being together.

As for Aaron and I...we are doing well! Aaron's school year is going much better than last year. He is trying so hard to get more sleep and it seems to be helping.
He also was just nominated as an "educational hero" for a regional magazine. There were only 10 selected for the year and he was one of them! We were interviewed yesterday and the magazine story will come out in January.
I was interviewed by our denominational magazine, "Light & Life", a few weeks ago. That magazine also comes out in January. I am in the "Saltshaker" section.

So, Aaron's officially a Hero-- and I'm officially a Saltshaker! I always knew Aaron was a hero, but I never knew I was a saltshaker. :)

So...as Thanksgiving approaches, I'm feeling very thankful for family and friends and good health and that God continues to watch over us and provide for us.

We are giving thanks for all of you and your tremendous support.
We love you all!

Kari

Amy and Melissa

2007-10-05T12:42:00.000-07:00

I have some great news on my two friends that have been mentioned so often on our website!

Amy
So many of you have been praying for Amy and following her story over this last year. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Amy has FINALLY made it back to California after being stuck in a Las Vegas hospital since May 2006. Her mom, Deb, fought to the end until she beat the system! This past Tuesday, Amy was transferred to a hospital here in southern CA. Even though she is still on a ventilator, still is being fed through a tube and still isn't in rehab- she is at least close by so family and friends can visit her and encourage her. This is HUGE! Pray that Amy will be brave in accepting therapies offered to her. She has a lot of fear of these therapies to wean her from the ventilator and stretch out her arms. The fear is in the pain. I remember the fear and the pain. But she has to do it so please pray for her.
Also pray that she can get out of bed and into a wheelchair! She has only been in a wheelchair just a few times in the last year and a half. Her birthday is at the end of October. I told her that maybe she could make it a goal to get outside for her birthday.

Melissa
Ok- Hang on to your hats for this one! Melissa is our dear friend from church who has suffered greatly since her car accident in January 2005. Melissa was not paralyzed- she didn't even break anything. Melissa hurt her hand. The pain from her hand traveled up through her arm and eventually to all her limbs and her entire body. She was diagnosed with a horrible disease called RSD. There is no cure- and little hope for relief. After countless surgeries, hospitalizations, and unspeakable pain, Melissa and her family were desperate for a breakthrough.
Five weeks ago Melissa was at just about the lowest point she could be. On August 30 she went in for a doctor's appointment with a new doctor. When the doctor came into the room he asked if he could pray for Melissa. When he was done praying he told Melissa and her mom that they should go to his church that night for a special healing prayer time. Now before you start envisioning a huge weird jumping around falling down TV evangelist type thing...it wasn't like that at all! Melissa and her parents were taken into a small private room with 2 other people. These two people prayed for Melissa...and God chose that time to answer. Melissa was seriously, miraculously healed from her disease!! I'm not kidding people! She is fine. I called her yesterday to ask her something and she said, "I can't talk right now. I'm at Disneyland!" Isn't that great?!
I'm sure some of you who don't know her or didn't think this kind of stuff happened find it hard to believe me. I was skeptical and I DO know her and I DO believe in miracles. But I'm telling you...she was healed. How cool is that? I don't know why God chooses to heal some and not others. I really don't know. But I'm glad that I'm serving a God who loves us and can heal us.

Anyway--those are my two dear friends.

Also, we really are working on a new website! So please keep checking it out!

Love to you all-
Kari

I am attaching Melissa's email that she wrote to many of the people who have been praying for her.

First of all, I know this is on my dad’s e-mail account but it’s actually me, Melissa writing! I wanted to share with you the latest in my life.
The pain returned to my arms and legs on August 18^th and, though I really don’t remember it, by August 26^th Mom and Dad say I was about as low as they had ever seen me. Then on Thursday morning August 30^th, mom took me to be evaluated by a new doctor for an inpatient rehabilitation pain program. Dr. Lawrence is a Christian and within moments of meeting him, he asked permission to pray for me. I agreed and he prayed a powerful prayer of deliverance over me. He then suggested I attend a healing service that evening at his church in Fontana.

Later that afternoon, my grandparents arrived at our house bringing the gift that our friend, Wendy Ellis had prepared. (Some of you have been keeping secrets from my family and me!) There were so many words of encouragement, a beautiful music vase and a very large check to help with my medical expenses. I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude. Thank you so much to all who contributed!

We then went to the church for the healing/prayer time. After waiting almost three hours, my parents and I were asked into a prayer room with two of their volunteers. They each prayed deliverance from the pain and asked that God would use me to tell others about His love. While they were praying, I felt the terrible pain leave my body and a huge burden with it. I cried tears of joy and knew the Lord had healed me. As we walked out of the building I remember being in awe of God’s goodness and grace.

I know many have been praying and supporting my family and me in so many ways through this great trial. Tonight I just wanted to praise God for what He has done and thank you for your part. Though I’m not in pain, I am still very tired and weak. My appetite is also diminished.

By the way, when I share my good news, many have responded with a joyful, “Áre you serious?!?”

As each day passes, I am feeling a little stronger and am looking forward to a more normal life. Please continue to pray for me and praise God with me for His healing in my life. Thanks and God bless you!

Melissa Logan

Publication and a special Birthday!

2007-09-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone-- Following is an article I wrote for our APU Alumni newsletter. Our accident is obviously old news for all of you, but not heard from my perspective.

In the months before the summer of 2005 began, God was blessing my husband and I in every area of our lives. My husband, Aaron, was having a tremendously successful year as a middle school band and orchestra teacher. I was working on my Philosophy of Ministry paper for my M. Div. at Haggard School of Theology. I was also busily planning trips for my youth group and Ethiopia mission team that summer. Aaron and I were experiencing an amazing time of spiritual growth and the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. We also managed to squeeze in several hiking and weekend camping trips that just seemed to sum up all of the joy we were experiencing.

A couple of weeks before our summer trips began, we had to fly to the Midwest for a friend’s wedding. The wedding was in western Kansas- far from any airport, so renting a car was required. In our carefree spirit that year, we rented a convertible. On Sunday July 17, we were returning the day after the wedding when our plans for the summer, and the rest of our lives, changed. Forced to make a split second decision, Aaron swerved off the road to avoid hitting a truck waiting to turn left. Our car rumbled through an unplanted cornfield, hit a ditch that launched it airborne, and landed upside down on the other side of the road with both of us trapped underneath. I was hanging upside down by my seatbelt and my head was pressed on the ground with my chin pushed down on my chest blocking my windpipe. I remember seeing my legs and thinking they had been cut off because I couldn’t feel them. Realizing what happened, I said to Aaron, “I broke my neck.” Aaron was struggling to breathe as well until he managed to take off his seat belt and relieve the pressure on his chest. Still trapped under the car, Aaron kept me alive by encouraging me to breathe and not go to sleep. After 25 minutes, we finally heard the sirens and knew that help had arrived. I was flown to a trauma center in Colorado while Aaron waited alone in a tiny local Kansas hospital for 10 hours calling everyone we knew.

Not only were our summer plans changed, but also the fall and half of winter as I recovered in a Colorado rehab hospital. The second half of 2005 was full of pain, loss, confusion, pain medications that didn’t work, ventilators, neck and arm braces and wheelchairs. But it was also full of so much love and support from our family and friends and the body of Christ. There truly was a sense of “sharing in our suffering.” Never in our lives would we have known how many people love and care about us.

I am thankful that we survived. We are continuing to live our lives. Aaron is still teaching and I am finally finishing up my M. Div. at APU. I don’t know if there was any great purpose in all of this. I don’t have any inspirational words of wisdom, or any theological conclusions I didn’t already have. I still know God loves me. I am still created in God’s image even if my body doesn’t function below my shoulders. God will never leave me or forsake me. God is good.

I’m not trying to sound heroic or like I don’t have any doubts or fears or anger. It’s just what I know. Those fundamental truths are what I stand (or sit) on every day.

Isaiah 43.1-3 But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. ²When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. ³For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Also...my little nephew- Joshua Aaron turns 1 on Sept. 29! Here's a recent picture:

Thanks for reading everyone! Show me some love in the comment section!!
Love- Kari

Summer 2007 Pictures

2007-08-21T13:07:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from our trip. They are very out of order chronologically- sorry about that!

Our final stop was Las Vegas to visit Amy!

We stopped in Central City, NE to see my grandparents. They are 98 years old! In this picture my grandpa is in the back-my mom next to him-and my dad and I are in the front.

This is Aaron, me, and my grandma

When we left Central City we drove through a thunderstorm and saw this amazing rainbow! It was a double rainbow and stretched across the entire sky.

Bryce Canyon National Park, Utah

Zion National Park, Utah
This was a great Riverwalk hike- It was 106 degrees!

Cubs/Brewers game at Wrigley- We had awesome seats right behind home plate- thanks to my wheelchair! It was so fun. The Cubs won after Soriano hit a walk-off home to bring them back to .500. It was very exciting!

Happy 4th of July!

Cyndi and John and Joshua came from Oregon to Omaha to visit while we were there. This is Joshua in his Cubs jersey!

Monkeys at the Omaha zoo!

Our Summer Travels

2007-08-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!
I wanted to give you all an update on the last couple of months of our lives. I am still amazed that so many people are checking our blog. I guess it's one of those web sites we just look at daily. I laugh at myself because I still check it almost daily-somehow thinking it's going to change by itself. But I guess I'm the one that needs to keep on top of this. So here are a few paragraphs that will make the clicking of the mouse worthwhile.

Aaron and I left for our vacation on June 21. Our first destination was Colorado. We went to a wedding in Boulder where one of Aaron's best friends from high school was married. Because it was so close to Craig hospital, we spent a day at Craig visiting old friends. It was fun to see everyone and show them how much progress I have made. But I definitely wasn't feeling too nostalgic about the hospital. Although it was good to see everyone, just being in the hospital brings back memories of a pretty dark time in our lives. I still get a weird yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about it. I suppose that's normal.

After we left Colorado we drove to Illinois to spend several days with Aaron's family. We had a great time while we were there. We had not been back since we lost our dear Bryan back in December. It was definitely a bittersweet feeling being there. Seeing everyone was so great, but it was very difficult not having Bryan there. It actually was more painful this time than in December.
In spite of all that, we still had fun. Rick, Desiree, Dan, and Josh were all preparing for their trip to Kenya. They left the day after we left so they were busy doing their last minute preparations.

On July 1 I had the opportunity to preach at our church in St. Charles. This was a lot of fun for me to share with some of our dearest and closest friends how God has been working through all of this. Our St. Charles Church will always be a very important part of our lives.

After spending 9 or 10 days with Aaron's family we began heading back west and stopped in Omaha for about 8 days. We had a great time in Omaha with my family. Spending time with my sister-in-law Robin, my nephew Colton and my nieces Sierra and Savannah was absolutely precious. I can't believe how quickly time goes and how fast kids grow up. We went to a couple of Colton's baseball games and also to the zoo. We had a cookout with many of our extended family members in Omaha. This was great fun as we had not seen many of these people in years and years. Cyndi and John and little Joshua, my newest nephew, flew in from Oregon so we could all be home at the same time. It was so fun to watch all the kids interact with their new cousin. Joshua is already almost 11 months old!
We also were able to reconnect with some dear friends from our church in Omaha we had not seen in several years. It's amazing how natural it feels to be with good friends even though so many years have passed.

When we left Omaha we stopped in Central City, Nebraska to see my grandparents. We had not seen them in three or four years. They are 97 and 98 years old and are now in a nursing home. It is a very nice nursing home, but I know they still long for their home that they had for so many years. I was so thankful we were able to see them.

After we left Omaha, we continued west to Utah where we spent a day at Zion National Park and Bryce Canyon National Park. The day we were at Bryce Canyon was the two-year anniversary of our car accident. It did not seem as big of a deal as it was last year. In some ways it does not seem possible that it has been two years, but in other ways it feels like it's been forever. Our car accident provides such a defining "before and after" time frame in our lives. It's difficult to describe what I mean. Some days it seems easy and so tolerable to have this lifestyle now. But there are also days when it seems unbearable. I have heard the phrase that "attitude is everything." I think there's a lot of truth in that statement. So I try to maintain a good attitude every day and be thankful for my life, for the people in my life, and most of all for God. I have absolutely no idea how anyone could possibly survive this without having God in their life.

On the last leg of our journey we stopped in Las Vegas to see Amy. Amy has been laying in her hospital bed for about 15 months. She was bright and alert while we were there, but she is still on the ventilator and still being fed through a tube in her stomach. She has not been in a wheelchair in at least a couple of months because the hospital does not have one for her. This poor woman has been through so much-way more than what I went through-and she is still smiling and hopeful to return to California so she can at least be in a hospital here. It is so incredibly frustrating to see someone like this that has slipped through the cracks of our health-care system. I never want this blog to be used as a sounding board for political opinions. But the health-care system needs a serious overhaul-there are too many people suffering because of it. Please continue to pray for Amy, look at her web site, send your e-mails. She needs a ton of support so she does not give up. She has a 10-year-old daughter in California than needs her mom desperately.

We are now back at home in Riverside. We celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary on July 20! I don't think we did anything but sit around the house all day. It was great!
Aaron is busily preparing for school to start in the next couple of weeks. Last year was so difficult for him that he is kind of dreading this year. Please pray for him. He needs to have a better year.

Everyone keeps asking me now that I've graduated what my plans are. My answer is "I don't know." I am still doing work at the church. I am reading a lot. And I'm trying to think of ways than I can help Aaron.

I am attaching a few pictures of our vacation in another blog. Enjoy!

Thanks for reading-feel free to leave comments so when I checked my own blog everyday there might be something for me to read. :-)

Much love to you all,
Kari

Has it seriously been TWO months?

2007-06-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness- I'm sure some of you are still checking our little website here. :) Things have been quite busy. I'll try to highlight a few things over the last two months.

1. I am a Master of Divinity! I graduated on May 5 from Haggard School of Theology. The ceremony was very nice--well planned and wonderfully accessible! The night before graduation there was a smaller "hooding" ceremony with just the theology students and professors. It was very meaningful and they gave me a standing ovation. :) I wasn't sure if it was really for me, but Aaron assured me it was. Getting my robe on was tricky! We actually ended up cutting the back out of the robe and tucking the rest around me. It worked! A couple of professors walked by as we were hacking up my robe, but they didn't say anything. :)

2. Aaron has 2 more days of school!!! He has had such a difficult year. But in spite of the challenges, his groups performed very well. In May, he took his advanced band to a larger regional festival in San Diego where they scored a superior rating in the competition. He was very proud of his students and I was very proud of him! A couple of weeks ago, he was presented with a beautiful plaque recognizing his committment and dedication to his students in spite of the difficult personal circumstances the past couple of years. It was very special. The parents also gave us a gift certificate to a travel agency so we could go on a vacation! We were so surprised! We are very blessed to be part of such a great school district. I could not even begin to describe the incredible support we have received from the Riverside/Gage community.

3. My dad is hopefully finishing up his final round of chemotherapy tomorrow! The tumor has shrunk significantly and an MRI will determine where to go from here. Please keep him in your prayers. Even as the cancer seems to be diminishing there are still significant pre-existing health conditions that make life challenging for him. He was finally able to get a wheelchair and van to make him much more mobile!

4. My brother Dustin had a pretty crazy couple of months. He had some medical conditions that put him on light-duty for a couple of weeks in Iraq. During that time one of the platoons from his company hit a roadside bomb and one of the soldiers was killed. So that has been pretty difficult. Dustin's physical health is fine now. Just pray for the emotional and mental health of the soldiers.

5. My dear friend Amy is still in the hospital in Las Vegas. She has been there for over a year! Her health is very fragile--she's still on a ventilator. It's very sad and VERY frustrating to know how much insurance or lack of insurance affects the quality of healthcare in our country. If Amy had received the proper care in the beginning, she would be so much better. It's not fair. Please pray that she would be transferred soon to a hospital in California so she can at least be closer to her family.

6. Aaron and I are leaving on Thursday for our big summer adventure. We are driving to Colorado (yuck) for a wedding this weekend. From there we journey to Chicagoland to spent some time with our friends and family (Aaron's)--and then we head to Omaha, NE to spend time with my family. On our way back to CA we are stopping in Vegas to see Amy. We will be gone for almost 4 weeks! We are excited to get in our van and hit the road! Hopefully we will get to see many of you on our journey! Pray for safety as we drive.

Well- that's it for now. Please drop a comment! We love hearing from all of you. I'll try to write again before another two months goes by!
Many blessings to you all-

Kari.

URGENT PRAYER NEEDED FOR AMY

2007-04-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

Dear friends--
Please look at Amy's website for the latest update: www.freewebs.com/labagnara
Amy's health is not good. The pneumonia is completely destroying her lungs. She's on total life support. The family is completely exhausted. Amy has a 10 year old daughter.
Please please pray for a miracle.

Hummingbirds, Lizards and other things

2007-04-18T17:34:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for continually checking our blog. Time goes so fast-I can't believe it's been over a month since I last updated.

Well the weather is not as warm as it was a month ago-although it is still very nice. Our little container garden that Aaron faithfully works on is beautiful. We have several trees-including a lime tree!-that are five or 6 feet tall. We have two beautiful flowering vines and two hydrangeas that are blooming bright pink and a purpley-blue. We also have a hummingbird feeder that is drained every day by these hungry little birds. They are so fun to watch. Sometimes when I sit out there, they will land just inches from me. Aaron was actually able to touch one the other day. But I don't think this bird was doing very well; we haven't seen him for a few days. We also have lizards that love the warm stucco of our patio walls. I think the hummingbirds feel threatened by them as they dive bomb their heads whenever they come around! Tulip and Edi, our cats, sit at the door all the time and watch what happens on the other side of the screen just out of their reach. I think it must be torture for them!

I don't think that before I got hurt I would really have taken the time to watch hummingbirds and lizards! Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time when I find myself just staring at them and laughing at them. But there's something very peaceful about taking the time to watch God's creation-even if it's only on our apartment patio.

As of last night, April 17, 2007 at 9 p.m. Pacific standard Time, I have completed all the requirements for my Masters of Divinity! I was very excited and relieved to finally be done. Graduation is the first weekend of May. Even though this is a big accomplishment for me, it feels so anti-climatic in light of everything that has happened. I originally planned on graduating in December 2005. Then our accident happened. I then planned on graduating in December 2006. Then we lost our dear Bryan. Now that I'm graduating in May, my parents are not able to come because of my dad's health. So in a sense, I don't really care about the ceremony. I suppose I will go, but mostly I'm glad I don't have to worry about doing homework anymore.

People always ask me what do I plan on doing now. I really don't plan on doing anything much differently except try to become more involved in church. We don't plan on moving, and I have no big career plans. We are content where we are and still trying to figure out a few things.

My dad's health is not very good. He just completed his third round of chemotherapy. He has not showed much improvement. Please continue to pray for him and my mom as they struggle through this. Aaron and I and John and Cyndi (my sister and brother-in-law) plan on going to Omaha this summer.

My brother, Dustin, is still in Iraq. We know very little about his situation there and unfortunately do not hear from him very much. But we always think that 'no news is good news'. Please continue to pray for his safety and also his spirits as I'm sure it can be very discouraging and lonely. Also pray for his children, Colton-10, Sierra-7 and Savannah-5 as they are without their dad for so long. I know he misses them terriblyand I'm sure they miss him too.

Aaron is still plugging through his last eight weeks of school. This has been a very challenging year for Aaron. Pray for his strength to finish well.

Aaron's brothers, Dan and Rick and Rick's wife Desiree, are planning on going to Rwanda this summer! Rick and Desiree were able to go last summer as well. Please pray for their safety and fund-raising efforts. This is a mission trip through their church. Rick and Desiree have a refugee foundation that reunites war refugees with their families. Many of the refugee families are from Africa, so being able to go to Africa is very important and special to them. If any of you are interested in their refugee foundation they have a web site: www.trafonline.com -- there is also a link on their web site for Bryan House. This is a plan to buy a house, in Bryan's name and memory, to house refugees.

Also many of you have asked about my new caretaker. Her name is Anna-she has been with me almost 3 months. She is doing a fantastic job! It was difficult to see Sarah go-but I am thankful that we were able to get such a great replacement.

I guess that's it for now-please pray for our families as we persevere through so much loss and illness. Thank you everyone for loving and supporting us! We could never do this alone.

Love, Kari

Warm and Sunny

2007-03-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

We are currently experiencing some very warm weather here in Southern California. Today it is about 85° and tomorrow we are supposed to reach 90°. On days like this I'm so glad that we live here. My body temperature usually hovers around 96° or slightly lower. So I'm always cold-and Aaron always has to work at keeping me warm. So Aaron is thankful for the warm temperatures also. I'm sure these temperatures sound amazing to all of you in the Midwest who have had such a hard winter. Last weekend we had similar temperatures and Aaron and I were able to go to the beach. We found a beautiful beach that has great accessible trails along a cliff by the ocean. My wheelchair is not able to go on sand, so I missed that-but I can still be close to the ocean and enjoy its beauty. They do have wheelchairs with huge tires that go over sand and even in shallow water, but we have not ventured to try one of those yet. Maybe this summer...

I have a few things to update. First of all, Amy is doing much better! She is in a different hospital, her third one, but it really seems to be helping her. Her mom, Debbie, is in a great struggle to get Amy back to California. A few months ago she wrote to Governor Schwarzenegger (or "The Gover-nator") and to Congress persons in a last-ditch effort to bring Amy back to California. And in the last week she has actually succeeded in getting responses from the State officials. So keep praying for favor with these people. They are fighting the Medicaid system-it sounds impossible-but we know that with God all things are possible. The family is desperately hurting financially. Traveling back and forth to Las Vegas for almost a year now, almost every weekend, has been a huge expense. If any of you would like to donate money to this family, please go to Amy's web site and follow the instructions. www.freewebs.com/labagnara

The second thing I want to update you with is our dear friend Melissa. We wrote about Melissa while we were in the hospital. She is the young woman from our church that has been struggling for two years with a chronic pain disease. About six weeks ago her family drove an RV from Southern California to Philadelphia to go to a center there that specializes in Melissa's disease. In about a week's time the doctors and specialists were able to get Melissa's pain under control. For the last several weeks, Melissa has been completely pain-free!!! I don't think I can even convey in words the suffering that this poor young woman has gone through. She is only 20 years old and her life has been put on hold for the last two years. I have said numerous times that I would rather be paralyzed and in a wheelchair than to have the disease that Melissa has suffered with. But thanks be to God, that she is now able to resume the life that God has for her! I don't understand why she suffered so much when so many were praying. It seems senseless right now to think about why she would have to go through that. But maybe someday we will understand.

The third thing I wanted to update you on is not very good news. About three weeks ago my dad was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer. He went to the doctor to check for kidney stones and they discovered a massive tumor around his abdominal aorta and inferior vena cava. It is very large and is pressing into some major organs. About a week ago they began an aggressive form of chemotherapy. The tumor is too large and too intertwined to be operable. The chemo will happen every three weeks for the next six months with periodic CT scans to determine the size of the tumor. Please pray for my dad and my mom as they go through this difficult time. Also please pray for my brother Dustin, who is in Iraq. It's a difficult time to be away.

As far as my schooling goes, I should be completely finished April 15! I am two papers away from having my Masters of Divinity.

Aaron is doing very well. He is in his busy time from March until May with numerous concerts and festivals. He is also currently enjoying his new Macbook computer and all of the widgets that are available! He doesn't know what to do with all of the new games! It's like overstimulation for his brain.

And the pictures above are of my adorable nephew, Joshua Aaron Fusek. He's rapidly approaching 6 months of age! Thanks for the pictures John and Cyndi! (This was my first attempt at posting pictures.)

Thanks for reading and thank you for your prayers. Please feel free to comment-it helps us to know who is still checking the blog!

Love, Kari

Lots of news...

2007-02-04T20:42:00.000-08:00

This is going to be another lengthy update, so grab your cup of coffee and a comfortable place to sit. First of all, thank you for your continued support by checking the blog. I can tell every day that there are many people who are checking in. I apologize for not updating more frequently.

There are many things that I want to update you on: our trip to Illinois; my caretaker situation; an update on Amy; my school situation.

Our sudden trip to Illinois was rather eventful. After receiving that horrible news on December 9 about our dear Bryan, we sprang into action to figure out how to get home. Because of my physical disability and all the equipment that I require, we decided to drive. Our good friend Joy was able to make the trip with us with about 12 hours notice. We were able to leave December 10, almost exactly 24 hours after we heard the news. The weather did not look promising so we were not sure which way to go. We decided on the most direct route, taking Interstate 70 through Colorado. We literally got stuck in the snow on the interstate while we were climbing the Vail Summit and had to be towed the rest of the way. We were loaded onto a truck bed, while we stayed in the van, and made it up the hill. We then descended the other side of the mountain at about 5 mph. After staying the night in a hotel, the next day we received two speeding tickets-one in Colorado (Aaron); and one in Nebraska (Joy). In spite of our situation, the cops were less than merciful which was very frustrating. After four days of driving, we finally made it to Illinois so we could grieve with our family.

On Thursday we had Bryan's visitation-this lasted for about eight hours, with nearly a thousand people coming through to mourn our loss. On Friday we had Bryan's memorial service. This was attended by about 500 people and lasted just over two hours. It was a beautiful, comforting service done in true Guzmán fashion. The music was great, the video was great, the memories were great-everything worked together perfectly to honor Bryan and his short life.

Several of you have asked if there has been more information concerning his death. Unfortunately, we know little more than what was reported in the papers. But we take great comfort in the assurance that Bryan is with his Creator.

The rest of our time was very bittersweet-that was filled with wonderful times with our family. I want to direct you to a web site describing a foundation started by Rick (Aaron's brother) and Desiree Guzmán. On this web site you will be able to view the way in which we will honor Bryan and his life. The web site is: www.trafonline.com. Click on "Bryan House" for details.

Our trip home began on December 30. Dan, Aaron's brother, made the journey back to California with us. We were able to stop in Omaha to see my family on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. This was a wonderful time for us-we had not been there since just a couple of days before our accident in July 2005. We were able to see our nieces and our nephew and sister-in-law for several precious hours on New Year's Eve. I treasure that time.

Dustin:
I just realized that many of you may not know that my brother Dustin was deployed to Iraq on December 3. He is serving as a sergeant in the National Guard. As far as we know, he will be there 12 to 18 months. Please pray for his safety and for a quick peaceful end to this war.

My caregiver situation:
A couple of days after we returned home, Sarah regretfully told us that she was having a position and shift change at her work. So after exactly 1 year of being my hands and feet, it was time for her to move on. There are no words to express our gratitude and love for Sarah.
Through a church connection in Riverside I was able to find another caretaker fairly quickly. Her name is Anna and she just finished her first week. Aaron's mom came out last Saturday and left yesterday to be with us during the transition. Anna is doing a great job and will hopefully be with us for quite some time. Please pray for this new relationship as it is very scary to allow someone, especially someone we just met, to be my hands and feet.

My school situation:
I was two days away from finishing my class when we got the call about Bryan. I was supposed to graduate on December 16, even though I still had two classes to finish. My parents were supposed to come out on December 14 to be at my graduation. Obviously when you receive tragic news, nothing else seems to matter. So I called my professor and told her I would not be able to finish until January. On January 9 I finished my class with a B+! I still have my other two classes to finish by March 27. I will go through the graduation ceremony in May.

Amy:
You may recall in a previous blog, about my friend Amy. Aaron and I were contacted by her family last summer after they read an article in the newspaper about us. Amy is a single mom that was injured in a car accident last May. The shocking news is that she is still in the hospital. As of today, she is in critical condition in the ICU in Las Vegas. Because of Medicaid laws, Amy has not been able to return to California to be near her family. Nearly every weekend since last May some member of Amy's family has been either driving or flying to Las Vegas from Southern California. The expense is astronomical as they also have to pay for hotel. A few days ago Amy's heart stopped-she had no pulse and was not breathing. After successful CPR she is still extremely sick with double pneumonia and possibly an enlarged liver. I beg you to pray for Amy. She has been through so much and it seems ridiculous that she would be so sick. Our injuries were so similar, but the care I received was so far beyond what Amy has received. It does not seem fair that Amy should suffer so much. I'm convinced that if Amy had better insurance than she would have received better care. It's not right or fair that she should suffer like this. This tragedy in their lives has stretched them beyond their means. I know that none of you know her, but I am asking-if you are able-to contribute to this family. I don't know who regularly gives to our fund, but if you are a regular giver please consider giving that money to Amy. There are directions through her web site that will show you how to donate. Or you could donate through my web site and indicate on your check that this is for Amy. Please pray for her daughter Ashley who is 10 years old, her mother Debbie, her stepfather Randy, and her sisters Amanda and Stacey.

I guess this is it for now. Aaron and I have had a grueling day of watching our beloved Chicago Bears lose in the Super Bowl. Aaron needs to go to bed so he can recover in time for school tomorrow. I know many of you are feeling that same loss.

Thanks for reading-we love your comments, so feel free to write when you have a chance. We love you all.

Kari.

Travel Update

2006-12-28T13:49:00.000-08:00

Dear friends-

Aaron and I have been in Illinois for almost 3 weeks. We left CA on Dec. 10 and arrived in IL on the 13th. Bryan’s visitation was the next day- approx. 1000 people came through. On Fri. we had Bryan’s memorial service- attended by over 500 people. The memorial service was wonderful- it lasted just over 2 hours. I’ll write more about that later.
For now, please pray for Aaron and I and Dan (Aaron’s brother) as we drive back to CA. We are leaving tomorrow- stopping in Omaha to see my family. The weather is supposed to be horrendous- so please pray for our safety. We plan to be back in CA by Mon. Jan. 1.
Thanks for praying-
Kari.

Urgent Prayer Needed

2006-12-09T18:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends-
I have some very sad news. Aaron’s brother, Bryan, was killed this morning. He just turned 21 on Dec. 4. I have very few details. He was found in Lake Michigan (Chicago) at 9:30 AM. He was pronounced dead at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Our family went to see him. I have no funeral information. Aaron and I are flying out probably tomorrow to Chicago. Please please pray for our family. This is absolutely devastating. It’s too much. Immediate family names: Richard (father), Alice (mother), Linda (step-mother), Rick (brother), Desiree (sister-in-law), Dan (brother), Aaron and I, and Katie (Bryan’s girlfriend). Please pray.
Kari.

we are back on the Web!

2006-12-02T17:17:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!

I hope you are all still periodically checking the web site. It was down for a few days, but all of our problems seem to have been ironed out. I will write a more complete update in a couple of weeks. But for now, I am bogged down finishing up my semester so I can graduate in two weeks. I am currently writing a 20 page research paper. How thankful I am for our voice activated software! We are doing well-but are very, very busy. Aaron has several concerts over the next couple of weeks, so he is very busy arranging music, and getting his musical groups into shape.

I want to share about our trip to Oregon over Thanksgiving, but for now that must wait! Now I must get back to my paper.

Love, Kari

The Great and Wonderful SARAH

2006-10-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone-

My dear good friend Sarah is having a birthday on Nov. 4. Sarah is the one that comes to my house every day after Aaron goes to work at 6:30 AM. She does everything for me- gets me up; feeds me; takes me where I need to go- and she makes me laugh all the time. Anyway if you want to send her a Happy Birthday email, she would love it. She’s a little bummed about getting older (23)! Her email is slayer_of_giants42@yahoo.com . If you want to send her a real card, you can send it to our house. You can email me for my address if you don’t have it. If you would like to send a gift, Sarah likes: Alice Cooper, ninjas, pirates, elephants and hippopotami. You don’t have to send a gift- a greeting would be fine! I just want Sarah to know how much we all appreciate her.
Thanks everyone!
Love, Kari

Update on Amy

2006-10-23T21:54:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone-

Quick update on my friend Amy:  Check out her website- www.freewebs.com/labagnara for more info.  Her birthday is Oct. 29.  I know you don’t know her personally, but if you could go to her site and send her a Happy Birthday note, that would be great.  She only gets email on the weekends and looks forward to receiving them all week.  Most importantly- keep praying for her!  Check her site for more specifics.

Aaron and I are fine. Super busy and tired- and most of the time feel like we’re barely keeping our heads above water.  I also think I have another lovely bladder infection.  It makes me feel pretty crummy, so you can pray for that.  But all things considered we are doing alright.  Pray for Aaron specifically in being so tired.  We can’t really add more hours to the day, so just pray that the few hours Aaron does rest would be enough.

Thanks everyone!  Don’t forget to check out Amy’s site.
Love, Kari

The Longest Update Ever!

2006-10-04T22:59:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone-
I hope if you’re reading this, you have a lot of time. This is going to be a long update.  So get comfortable and grab a cup of coffee- Happy reading!

COLORADO
I guess I should begin with our trip to CO in August.  It took us two days to drive to Colorado.  We stopped in Utah at Zion national Park for the first night.  When we got there we only had a couple of hours of daylight left.  We had never been there before and enjoy the time that we did have.  The next day we drove to Colorado and arrived at Craig hospital around midnight.  Our appointments began every morning at 10 a.m. and lasted  until the late afternoons.  I had a physical therapist and an occupational therapist that worked with me throughout the week.  They worked with me on range of motion and  sensory testing and different muscle tests.  They discovered that my range of motion and muscles had improved greatly since I left the hospital.  I also had physical examinations by the doctor and the nurses and was said to be very good health.  We also were able to spend some time with some of our friends while we were there.  It was so good to see all of the people that helped us through that time in our lives.  We left Craig Hospital on Thursday afternoon and headed home.  On the way home we stopped at Rocky Mountain national Park where we drove Trail Ridge Road.  This is a road that follows the very edge of a 12,000 foot mountain.  It was a little nerve-racking but very beautiful.  We enjoyed our trip to Colorado much more than the last time we were there!

AMY
We also were able to stop in Las Vegas before we came back to California.  The purpose of our brief visit to Las Vegas was not to get rich!  A few weeks before we went to Colorado I received an e-mail from a woman who had read about us in the newspaper.  Her daughter had been injured in a car accident in Las Vegas in May.  She also had become a quadriplegic.  The article was an encouragement to her as she was able to find our web site and read our story.  We decided to stop in Las Vegas to visit her daughter on our way home from Colorado.  It was such a blessing to be an encouragement to someone who understood and was going through what I had gone through.  We are still in contact with this woman and her daughter.  I will be linking her web site to our web site.  So please take some time to visit her web site and be an encouragement to her.  She is a 27-year-old mother of a nine-year-old.  She was living in Las Vegas and going to interior design school.  She is now stuck in Las Vegas in a hospital where she has been since May.  Insurance and financial concerns have kept her in the hospital as she has not even been to rehab yet.  She is originally from California very close to where we live.  And her family is desperately trying to get her back to California to rehab.  But the insurance laws are keeping her in Las Vegas where she has no family and no friends close by.  The only people she sees are on the weekends when her family visits.  She is very very lonely and discouraged.  Please please please keep her in your prayers and look at her web site.  Her name is Amy.  I know that so many of you were so generous and still are being generous for us financially.  If there is any way that you can find it in your budget Amy could really use some donations.  Most importantly please pray for her and her little girl Ashley.
Her website is:  www.freewebs.com/labagnara.
ILLINOIS
Just two weeks after we returned from Colorado it was a time to go to Illinois.  Aaron's best friend Rob was getting married to Allison on Labor Day weekend.  Aaron had the honor of being best man and I had the privilege of officiating the marriage ceremony.  Rob and Allison have been very dear friends to us this last year.  The wedding was beautiful and it was such a joy to celebrate their marriage that weekend.

The day after the wedding on Sunday we went to church in St. Charles.  Derin and Emily graciously allowed Aaron and I share that morning.  We talked about the accident and how much all of our family and friends were so supportive during that time.  We were able to share some of the lessons we have learned spiritually over the last year.  It was a great privilege to be in the presence of all those amazing people.  After church they had a great party for us.  I don't know how many people came during those four hours of the party.  But there were a lot!  The only a frustrating thing was that I wanted to sit down with every single person and have an individual conversation.  But there simply wasn’t time for that to happen.  The St. Charles Church is an amazing church.  If you are ever in the area or already live in the area and are not attending church you must stop by for a visit!

Of course while we were in Illinois we spent time with our family and loved every minute of it!  We miss everyone so much and wish we could see everyone more often.  Sarah was able to go to Illinois with us.  She was a tremendous help to Aaron as he was busy with the Rob and the guys.  So many of you have asked about Sarah and it was good to introduce her to so many of you.  She is a dear and wonderful friend and we love her very much.

LIFE
Now that we are back in California school has started and we are both buried in homework.  I started school about four weeks ago to finally finish my master's degree.  I am taking three classes and will graduate in December with my masters of divinity.  Aaron is driving me to school on Mondays for one of my classes and the other two classes I'm taking as independent studies.  Aaron is very busy with the school as well.  He is teaching two orchestra classes at the high school and also teaches his regular music classes at the middle school.

IT’S A BOY!
And now for the most exciting news yet!  I have become an aunt and Aaron has become an uncle for the fourth time.  My sister Cyndi and her husband John are the proud new parents of Joshua Aaron Fusek.  He was born September 29 at 7:30 p.m. Pacific standard Time.  He weighed in at 7 pounds 10 ounces and was 21 1/2 inches long.
(image placeholder)
He is adorable!  As difficult as traveling is we are planning one more trip to Oregon over Thanksgiving so we can meet our nephew.  He’s worth it!

Well I think this update is long enough.  Thank you for always checking our web site for news.  The support that you all have given is tremendous.  I know that many people are still checking our web site because I watch the number of hits continue to grow every day.  Please leave comments!  We love to read them!

We love you all.  God bless you.

Quick note!

2006-09-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

September 14, 2006

Hello All-
Just a quick note- I will try to get out an update this weekend. School has started- for me too!- and we are much busier. But busy feels normal- and normal feels good. ( Our trip to Illinois was fantastic- more coming on that later. Our trip to Colorado was great too. So keep checking dear readers…

Love, Kari

August Happenings!

2006-08-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

Hello dear friends,

Tomorrow Aaron and I leave for my re-evaluation at Craig.  We are looking forward to seeing everyone that helped us through that very difficult time in our lives.
Our trip up the coast to Oregon was great!  We got see Daleasha and Gene and their family.  We also saw John and Cyndi (my sister) and John’s family.  We had a blast. (  Aaron took some great pictures that are posted in the previous blog.  He’s a great photographer. Feel free to comment on them!
After we return from Craig next weekend, Aaron begins school.  And I will register for school!  I’m so excited to finish my degree.  If everything goes as planned, I will graduate in December.  And THEN, we are leaving for Chicago to participate in Aaron’s best friend’s wedding over Labor Day weekend.  On that Sunday we are going to church in St. Charles.  If you’re in the area, you are welcome to come!  Worship time is 10 AM. The church address is:
St. Charles Free Methodist Church
214 Walnut St.
St. Charles, IL 60174
Phone: 630-584-1906
Pastors: Derin Fowler and Emily Holverson

After church that day you are invited to an open house/ get-together thingy at the Yessa’s home in Elgin beginning at 2 PM.  For details/directions please email Alice Guzman (Aaron’s mom) at alice.guzman@sbcglobal.net.

Please pray for us as we journey to Craig tomorrow.  We’re driving.

Lots of love to all of you-
Kari

Some Pictures from our recent 2500mi road trip

2006-08-07T12:14:00.000-07:00

Rockaway Beach, Pacifica, CA

Rockaway Beach

Eureka, CA

I cut my hair

So did Kari

Some More Pictures

2006-08-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

Oregon Coast

Oregon Coast

Mt. Shasta, CA

Mineral King, CA (Sequoia N.P.)

Sequoia N.P.

One year Later

2006-07-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

Well, as of yesterday, we have made it through the first year since Kari’s accident.  It went by without much difficulty or difference from our normal Monday.  I think that after going through the accident, living through the accident is a piece of cake.  When I picked Kari up from church yesterday (she does counseling for women on Mondays) I was talking to pastor Rick about the accident and trying to explain how I felt about it now.  It’s funny, but even going through the whole thing, I, like so many others have told me, cannot even imagine how horrible it was.  I try to remember the impact of the car hitting the ditch and then hitting the ground, the feeling of not being able to breath at first, being trapped under the car watching Kari struggle to breathe, and wondering when help would arrive.  Kari told me last night that if they had taken even another minute to get her out she doesn’t think she would’ve made it.  It was chaos, but in slow motion too.  As much as I try to remember exactly how it felt though, I can’t.  I can remember the events exactly, just not all of the feelings.  At the very least it takes a lot of concentration to try to remember—that’s probably a good thing, but as much as we think about what happened, it can be a little unsettling to be detached from your own memory.  When we think of it now, we both describe it as like being in a bad movie, and that it seems like it was us in a different life—or something like that.  Anyways, yesterday was sort of a milestone, and I am so proud of Kari for making it through the first year.  Even though I can’t believe that its already been a whole year, my memories of the times before the accident seem like forever ago.  An even bigger deal though is our 4th anniversary that will be on Thursday (20th).  Its hard to believe that we’ve been only married this short time (in a good way!) because its seems like we’ve always just been together (we started dating 9 years ago).

                              Aaron.

P.S.  We will be coming to Chicagoland over Labor Day weekend for a wedding and are planning a big party so we can see everybody on Sunday or Monday—check back for details.

update coming soon

2006-07-11T23:38:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since our last update. I promise I will get one out later this week. Thanks for your patience.

God bless you.
Kari

Thank You

2006-05-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone-

I wonder if there will ever be a day when I won’t “notice” that I’m paralyzed.  I’m fairly confident that someday that day will come. But until then I continue to take this one day at a time.  And today I have gone back to the early days just after the accident and read emails and blogs from all of you.  So I just wanted to say thank you.  We were completely overwhelmed with the tremendous amount of love and support that we received.

I also am curious to know how everyone found out about our accident.  The networking was incredible. So if you’re still reading this blog, can you either comment or send an email to let us know how you found out.

Thanks so much.  We love you all!

Kari

Ten Months Today

2006-05-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

Hello faithful readers!

I really don’t have a good excuse for not writing sooner.  One thing I’m really good at is procrastination! ( Those of you who know me well probably are not surprised.

It has been 10 months today since our accident.  Isn’t that amazing?  I’m so thankful to God for holding us and sustaining us through this time.

Everyday I feel better and stronger.  I preached my second sermon this past Sunday.  By the way, the message I preached in March was not recorded.  But this past Sunday it was recorded; so I will try to figure out this technological obstacle and get a recording of it on our website.

Since our last update a few things have happened.  I did go to San Diego for the Women’s Clergy Conference in April.  It was a challenge.  The first thing that happened…Sarah, Daleasha and I got stuck in a glass elevator.  Because of my 600 lb. wheelchair, we were over the weight limit!  We were only trapped for about 15 minutes. (  There also was a well-meaning welcome at our Free Methodist gathering.  Unfortunately I was very unprepared and had to leave until I regained my composure.  I was very overwhelmed.  We did take a few hours to visit the Wild Animal Park.  That was really neat!  We even bought season passes.  We also had plans to go whale-watching, but our time limit prevented us from going.

Aaron and I went exploring a couple of weeks ago to find some hiking trails around Riverside.  We weren’t very successful, but we still had fun.  We have some more ideas, but we need a little more time.

We are traveling to Craig in August for a week long re-evaluation.  A few days after that we will go to Illinois.  Aaron’s best friend is getting married, so Aaron will be his best man.  And the couple asked me to perform the wedding. (  I’m very honored that they asked me to do this for them.  We are looking forward to seeing many many friends and our family!!

Thanks so much AGAIN for your amazing, unfailing support.  We love you all.

Love,
Kari and Aaron

An update about an update

2006-05-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

I promise an update coming later this week. Keep checking the site! Thanks for your patience.
Kari

Beaches and Deserts

2006-04-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

Last week Aaron was on spring break.  He spent much of the week cleaning and organizing our apartment.  We had planned to go to Joshua tree national Park and also the Huntington library and gardens.  It was raining the early part of the week so we did not go to Joshua tree when we had planned.  On Thursday Sarah and I were planning on going to the library but then decided to go to the beach instead!  I had not been to the beach since before we had left on our extended “vacation” last summer.  So it was my first trip to the beach in my wheelchair.  I did not drive through sand, obviously; but there was a well paved walkway and also a pier.  The pier was not smooth for the most part, but we went slow and I was able to maneuver over the boards.  We also bought a kite and flew it off the pier and got quite a few strange looks -- which were very entertaining.  Actually, I think we were the entertainment.

On Friday Aaron and I were able to go to Joshua tree.  This is one of our favorite places to go in California.  Did you know as a handicapped person I can get into any national park for free?  There are some perks to being handicapped!  We were able to go on three hikes that were handicapped accessible.  It was fun to be out in the desert again doing one of our favorite activities.  There should be some pictures that will be posted on our web site from our time there.  Between my trip to the beach on Thursday afternoon with Sarah and my trip to Joshua tree on Friday with Aaron, I think this was the happiest I have been and the most normal I have felt since last July.  Going to Joshua tree gave me confidence to be able to continue to do the things we love to do.  Certainly there were limitations -- I was not climbing on any rocks or taking any trails that were too rocky, but I was still able to enjoy the beauty of the desert with Aaron.

This past weekend we began plowing through the incredible mountains of paperwork that had accumulated over the past several months.  It is quite overwhelming but it will feel good to have it done and have the papers filed.  Our apartment is far from being settled but we have resigned ourselves to be content until summer when Aaron has more time.

It is hard to believe that we have been home for nearly 4 months and that our accident happened almost 9 months ago.  In some ways the accident seems that it never happened -- obviously the fact that I am in a wheelchair is a constant reminder, but it feels so normal to be at home in California it seems as though we never left.  But in other ways and at other times the accident is all-consuming.  I mostly feel this way when I'm out in public and notice so many people watching me.  I am getting used to it -- sometimes.  But mostly it is very annoying and it makes me very self-conscious.  I remember in the past couple of years two specific people that I saw in public who were quadriplegics.  One was a young man in a hotel lobby in Washington, DC.  The other was a woman in a restaurant in California.  I looked at them in the same way that people look at me now.  And now when people look at me I wonder if any of them will someday be a quadriplegic.  That is a very sobering thought.  But it is hard to not think that way.

This weekend for Easter Aaron's father Richard and his wife Linda will be with us.  We are looking forward to their visit.  They will be our third set of visitors since coming back to California.  In January Aaron's mom, Alice, and brothers Dan, Bryan, and Rick and Desiree came to visit.  And in February my sister Cyndi and her husband John came to visit.  By the way, John and Cyndi are expecting their first baby in the fall!  We are very excited for a new niece or nephew!

My new computer and new software are working beautifully.  And just today, finally, my new cell phone is working!  If you had my cell phone number and were getting a disconnected message, it is now reconnected.  There has been no change in phone number.

Also several of you have asked to hear my sermon that I preached a few weeks ago.  Our church does record them and I am going to try and get the recording hooked up to the web site.  That way I don't have to send out several copies of the sermon and you can just click on a link and hear the sermon online.  I don't usually listen to my sermons after I preached them -- but I will listen to this one since so many of you have requested it!

I think that is it for now.  I will continue to do updates for a while.  We will be making some changes to the web site eventually.  I don't know when those changes will happen but we are working on some ideas to update the site.  So keep checking!  I am amazed that we still get almost 200 hits a day.

Thank you again for your unfailing support and prayers.  We could not get through this life change without all of you.

With all our love and thankfulness...
Kari and Aaron

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone...

2006-04-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

Hello faithful supporters!

This is a blog that you've been waiting for.  I am using our voice activation software to type you this e-mail.  If it takes me two hours to type this e-mail then I am talking very slow.  I wanted to update you on some of the things that have been going on.  First of all, we are still not totally in the clear with our cell phones.  I know that some of you have been trying to call me and have been getting a message that says my cell phone number has been discontinued or something like that.  We had to switch cell phone carriers and buy two new cell phones.  There were some problems with my number being ported from one carrier to another; but tomorrow I should be back to my old phone number.  I will try to return all of your calls as soon as possible.

Thank you for all of the birthday cards and gifts and messages that I received last week.  I turned 32 years old -- where has the time gone?  Aaron and I spent my birthday evening at Disneyland.  My dear friend Daleasha just happened to be at Disneyland at the same time with her family.  I had not seen them since the first couple of months I was in the hospital.  They were on their way back from a mission trip in Mexico.  So we were able to spend Friday evening with them at a very rainy, cold and damp Disneyland.  And the next day they drove from Anaheim to Riverside and spent Saturday evening and Sunday morning with us.  It was interesting to maneuver through Disneyland with thousands of people there.  But I managed not to run over anyone with my wheelchair!

We left Disneyland at midnight when they closed.  We were driving home on the freeway when something very scary happened.  It was raining and we were in the third lane in a four lane area.  To our right was an entrance ramp.  A white pickup truck was coming down the ramp to get on the freeway.  When he accelerated to merge into the lane next to us he completely lost control of his truck.  He began swerving and fishtailing all over the road.  At one point he slid into our lane and was perpendicular to us.  I went into a panic because it was all too familiar and the weather conditions were very bad.  I can't believe that we did not hit him; but Aaron calmly drove right around him and avoided him completely.  We thought that his truck was going to roll, but it didn't.  I was speechless and shaking very badly.  Aaron was speechless and totally calm.  He said that in that split second he had an overwhelming peace and knew that God had protected us.  Amazingly we realized that there were no other cars anywhere around us.  This is very unusual for a southern California freeway no matter what the time is.  And just for the record, I don't like white pickup trucks.

On Sunday afternoon I had the privilege of being a matron of honor in a wedding that took place at our church.  Two dear friends at our church had a beautiful sacred wedding ceremony.  It was a challenge to get dressed for a wedding but Aaron did a great job and Daleasha was here to help with the hair and makeup.

My eye surgery went very well on March 28.  I went back to the eye doctor the next day and was reading at 20\13 vision.  I don't think I have ever seen that well in my entire life.  It feels strange to wake up in the morning and be able to see right away.  And at night when I go to bed I keep thinking that I need to take out my contacts.  I am so thankful to this doctor for offering this as a free service.  I feel very fortunate to have this done.

Aaron is on spring break this week.  Last night he slept for almost 12 hours.  I don't think he has ever slept this much since I have known him.  He told me today that he has not felt this good since before our accident.  Hopefully he will be able to catch up on even more sleep this week.  Tomorrow we are planning, weather permitting, to go to Joshua Tree National Park.  Joshua Tree is fairly close to where we live and it is easy to make a day trip out of it.  We love Joshua Tree and last spring we spend a lot of time there.  It holds many fond memories of hiking and rockclimbing and camping.  Obviously, we have not been there since before our accident -- so I am sure that it will be a bittersweet time.  On Thursday we are planning to visit the Huntington Library and Gardens in Pasadena with Sarah.  It is a beautiful place that is very handicapped accessible.  The weather has been very rainy so I am not sure we will get to do either of these things but we are going to try.

There is one more thing that I am looking forward to in the next couple of weeks.  I will be attending a clergy conference for women clergy in San Diego.  This is a conference that happens every two years and the last one I was able to go to was four years ago in Colorado Springs.  Fortunately San Diego is much closer to Riverside.  I really don't care if I ever go to Colorado again, so I am glad that it is in San Diego.  Sarah will be going with me as my caretaker and of course as an awesome friend!  I am very excited about this opportunity.  So if any of my female pastor friends are reading this blog update I will see you in San Diego.  I'll be the one with the new wheels!

I think for now I am done talking.  It did take about an hour and a half to speak this e-mail.  But it is much less exhausting talking than typing one key at a time.  Thank you for your continued support and the love and prayers.

Until then, may God keep you all safe.

Love,
Kari

By the way, we have some pictures that we will be posting on the web site in the next couple of days; so if you are interested in seeing what we look like then keep checking for new pictures.

Update 3/23

2006-03-23T18:46:00.000-08:00

Hello –

I'm writing this update using the new voice activation software that we have-it's pretty cool. Once you get the hang of how it’s used, it's actually pretty accurate. Kari had a little trouble with setting it up this morning, but it was more a problem with the computer then with the software. When I got home today, I worked on it a little bit and trained it to my voice. I'm guessing that probably tomorrow you will see an update from Kari that she wrote using this new software. Since we bought a mouse she could use, when there's a problem with the software she can just use the mouse to select what she wants. If you had to rely solely on the software, it would take a long time, but purely for typing and text entry it is extremely fast. I think once you get the hang of it, it would be faster than typing for anybody.

As far as how things are going for us, the things that Kari has written in the last two updates are true. We are all very tired, but happy that things are going so well. My groups at school are getting back on track and I'm excited to be taking my advanced band to a regional festival after they scored a superior at the district festival a week ago. My other groups played well too, and I am very proud of them also. We had auditions today for octet, which is our select string group, and hopefully will be going to another festival with them in April as well. I'm very busy at school, but I love my job and going back to work was the best thing for me as far as getting back to normal and getting out of the hospital mindset. Anyways, more updates from Kari to follow. We've gotten some new equipment and she wanted to share with you how we are using the donations that we have been given. I'm not sure how many people are still reading this site, but we still covet your prayers and thank you for following our story. When I get around to it I still need to call the reporter from the Press-Enterprise that did the article on us way back in August. Anyways, got to go, talk to you all later.

Aaron.

Adjustments

2006-03-21T23:41:00.000-08:00

Hi!

I’m typing to you on my new nifty little computer!  I love it!  Tomorrow I will start training the voice activated software.  We also will be getting the voice activated phone tomorrow.

Several of you have asked about my sermon last Sunday.  It went very well.  I talked about our experience over the last 8 months- how critical my condition was at the beginning- my 40 day vacation from reality—all the fun parts!  I talked about a thought-changing conversation I had with Candi, our hospital chaplain, concerning the death and resurrection of Jesus.  This conversation and Romans 8 were the basis of my sermon.  There was a great response- praise be to God.

Things are going well at home.  We are still overwhelmed.  We still have a way to go with settling in.  It’s frustrating for me to not be able to help Aaron.  He is so tired when he gets home from work that after making dinner, doing the dishes and taking care of me, there is no energy left to do anything else.  Our dear friend Sarah, who is the one that stays with me, helps us out tremendously.  Our friend, Nicole, also hangs out with a few days a week and is a huge help.  We love our two girls!

That’s it for now.  Please leave your comments.  They entertain me!
Love to you all.
Kari

A brief update

2006-03-17T13:29:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!

It was so good to read all your comments.  There are a few more things I wanted to tell you.  A few people have asked if we could post our address on the website.  We are not comfortable doing over the internet.  So if you would like our new address, please email us and we will decide if we want to give it to you. (hee, hee!)
Secondly, I am having FREE lasik eye surgery on March 28.  My sister Cyndi found an ad in a magazine in Sept. about a Dr. in LA that does this free for quadrepelegics (how the heck do you spell that word?)  Anyway I met him last week-he’s very excited to do this surgery for me…and get this!  His PR guy emailed me a couple of days ago and wants to call the media in because they think my story is interesting.  So my surgery might be on the evening news.  (
One more thing- if you’re the praying type- This Sunday I am preaching my first sermon since our accident.  I’m not sure how it will work out-I can’t write notes- and I’m not good at just “winging it!”  Also I don’t have good breath support since a lot of my “breathing muscles” are paralyzed.  So I get winded pretty quick.  It might be a really short sermon.  No complaints there, huh?
Ok- my mouth is tired…good-bye for now.
Love to you all,
Kari.

Update from Kari

2006-03-15T23:49:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!
This is the first time I’ve written anything on our website.  This will not be very long since I’m typing with my mouth stick- I can only push one key at a time.  I think that there are probably several people still checking our blog.   I apologize for not writing sooner.  Getting back to “normal” has been much more difficult than we had anticipated.  I realize that there have been hundreds of people following our story from the very beginning.  We are so grateful for the overwhelming response-financially and spiritually.  It still surprises me that so many people care.  There are a couple of things I wanted to share about the response we’ve received.  First- please don’t put us on a pedestal.  We humbly receive all of the beautiful things people have said about us- but we are no better than anyone else.  Also, I was beginning to feel like a reality TV show- (- with people waiting for the latest news of our lives.  But now that we are out of the hospital, we are just trying to get our lives back.  So please be patient with our long intervals of time between updates.
Aaron is doing very well.  He is super tired all the time.  He works about 9-10 hours a day at school.  At home he tries to keep up with the cooking, laundry, cleaning, the cats, shopping- oh yeah… and taking care of me.  He goes for 16-18 hours a day without hardly stopping.  He does all of this so cheerfully.  He never complains.  I am amazed by his love and devotion.  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband.
I am doing very well also.  Every day I feel stronger and healthier.  I can’t remember the last time I had to take pain medication.  My pain is so much less than it used to be.  My equipment is all working well for me.  I am getting a new computer next week that will work better with the voice activated software.  I also am getting a new cell phone in the next few days that will be easier to use.  We’ve had several “technical difficulties” in the last couple of weeks- Aaron’s computer at school crashed- the internet at home stopped working- our laptop keeps freezing- and Aaron’s cell phone was stolen last Sunday at a restaurant.  It seems as though we are constantly battling something.
Things with Sarah are working out really well.  She is a tremendous help to us.  She is also very cheerful about everything- never complaining.
I’m going to close now.  My cheeks are getting tired from all this typing (about 2hours!) I will try to do another update soon.  We love you all.

Kari

Back in the Saddle (2/1)

2006-02-01T14:10:00.000-08:00

Hello All-

First of all, I'm not sure how many people are still checking and reading this, so if you do read this, let anybody else that would want to read it know that after 4 weeks, I've done another update. As far as future updates go, I'll probably write here periodically as hopefully Kari will too when we get her voice recognition software fully trained.

Well, the main reason that I'm writing today is that it was my first day back to work at Gage (Middle School). I was a little anxious about it, but after about 5 minutes, all the bad jokes and familiar lines (my spiel, as I call it) came back to me and I felt like I had never left. Not quite used to the sleep schedule yet, though. I'm not the kind of disciplined person that prepares by getting up early for the week prior, I need to kind of shock my body into compliance. Anyways, the kids were excited to see me, as I was to see them. After seeing some of the kids I could only regret not being able to have them all year. I get really attached to my kids and never feel I get enough time with the good ones, so this year will be particularly hard. Lots of work still to be done though--the subs I had did a great job, but I have a lot of work to do organizing and just getting my program in sync. with how I teach again.

We’ve e hired Sarah Thompson to come over in the mornings to do Kari's care and stay with here for much of the day, and she was over most of last week learning everything that she didn't already know from just being around a lot. I know how to do basically everything care wise that Kari needs, and Sarah is a fast learner, so it wasn't too hard to get them set up and it seems that what we have will work out well. I found out that our insurance doesn't cover home health care, just skilled nursing care, which would be anything that only a nurse could do, like give IV's or work with say, a dialysis machine, but I still need to get set up with someone if Sara can't make it.

There is still a lot to figure out, but today seemed to both of us to be the start of what the new "normal" is. I still get so sad at times about everything that has happened, but this whole situation has not taken our joy and only helped to grow our love for each other. You get used to how things are though and we are still happy in our new life together, even if not as care free.

Our main concerns right now are finding more therapies for her to go to, as our stay at Craig used up most of our coverage, getting all the technology that will allow Kari to be more independent figured out, and also just getting totally moved in and settled into a routine that works for both of us.

Health and strength wise, we've both gotten a lot better both mentally and physically since we left Colorado. Kari did spend one night in the hospital for a blood clot, although that was more because the hospital couldn't figure out the logistics of getting her out of there than anything else. Overall though, Kari is so much stronger. I know that if we took the same trip that we took home from the hospital today, it would be a lot easier for her. We have been going places together almost every day--shopping, dinner, church, the movies and such that it will be hard not to get to see each other as much now that I'm at work. At any rate, though it feels great to be back.

Aaron.

Moving on (1/5/6)

2006-01-05T08:52:00.000-08:00

Hello All--

We’ve been home for a week now, and things are still going well.  We went to Kari’s doctor for her hospital discharge follow up and got all her prescriptions done along with flu shots and a pneumonia vaccine.  The Doctor seemed to think that Kari was doing well and they were happy to see her since hearing about the accident July.  Health wise, the only problem that Kari is the tension and resulting pain in her shoulders and neck that has bothered her for months.  Her arms too, which were straightened by casting, have also started to tighten up a bit, and we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of her new arm splints that should help correct the problem.  Other than that, we are both feeling great and still excited about being in Southern California.  (Still can’t believe SC lost!) Yesterday was such a beautiful day and Kari and I were able to get out to do some errands and see our new apartment, which Kari loved.

We move in tomorrow (Friday), and would definitely appreciate any help if you are able.  I don’t anticipate needing any help until noon or later, and if you are interested, call me and I’ll tell you where to meet.  (If you don’t have my number, leave a comment to this update with you’re email and I‘ll write you back later this evening.)  All of our stuff is either in Loma Linda at a storage unit or in Redlands at our church, so any large vehicles would obviously be useful.  The bathroom still needs modification, which we can’t start until we get the Keys and will need to start Saturday.  I have already spoken with some people about helping, but could use one or two experienced people to help get started on it on Saturday.  Needless to say, it’s about to be a very busy few days, but we are excited to get into our own place.

There is good news to report from the Logan house, where we are staying.  Melissa had (yet another) surgery yesterday to put a nerve block into her lower back and is now walking again.  She has had these done before, though, and some of the previous blocks have only worked for a few days.  We are all happy that it worked, but of course nervous about how long it will last, as the rollercoaster Melissa and her family have been on the last year has had countless ups and downs.  Still, it is a joy to see her standing.  I can understand why the atmosphere here yesterday was one more of relief than excitement as Kari and I have found it hard to celebrate some of the progress she made during rehab with the entirety of the situation still upon us.  I imagine, in our different struggles, we all feel how a soldier must feel after a long-fought battle—hardened by pain, weary from the struggle, relived by victory, and unsure about when the next inevitable battle will start.  Thank you for keeping us so faithfully in your prayers.

Aaron.

Happy New Year!

2005-12-31T19:00:00.000-08:00

Hello All—

Well, it was a long trip back but we made it okay.  The transfers from Kari’s wheelchair to the aisle chair to the plane seat and back were very hard, but we got them done.  We got to the airport 2 ½ hours early and had just enough time to do everything, and after we landed it took us an hour to get off the plane, get back into the wheelchair and get situated.  Sarah, who was driving our van back, hit some bad weather (and almost a few cars) and wasn’t going to be able to make it to the airport to pick us up as we had planned, and we left in the air without a ride home planned.  Luckily, we got on the phone with some friends of ours and they called a wheelchair minivan to come pick us up.  We had a little trouble locating the van and didn’t actually leave Orange County until almost 6:00.  The traffic wasn’t that bad, but the whole day had been so long that Kari was totally exhausted by the time we got there and threw up just after we pulled up to the house we were staying at.  She was fine, though, and we’ve spent the last few days just lounging around and recovering from the journey.

We are staying with the Logans, friends of ours from church and whose daughter Melissa is the one I have written about on the Blog before.  It has been nice to stay with them—a good transition before home and a family that understands what it is like to go through this type of tragedy.  We haven’t really done much except go to the church to get some stuff and to go and get ice cream and the break from the hospital schedule has been nice.  The last two days, Kari has slept until noon :)  I got a message from our apartment manager yesterday saying that we’d be able to move in on the 6th of January.  Once I know for sure though, I’ll write here to give anybody that wants to help further details.  Anyways, we are going to be at church tomorrow, (the address is the one on the donations page on the website) so I wanted to invite anybody that wanted to come to be there to.  Church starts at 10:30, and people usually get there around 10:00 to have some snacks and talk before church.

We are so happy to be home.  When we were driving around yesterday, Kari said “Man, I love California.”  We just love the atmosphere, the land, the weather, and of course all of our friends here.  It took us a while to get settled, but it truly feels like home here and we feel so great to be back.  We look forward to seeing friends here we haven’t seen in so long and also want to thank the many that came from our old home and elsewhere across the country to come visit us in Colorado.

Happy New Year!

Aaron.

Leaving today!

2005-12-28T09:06:00.000-08:00

Hello All—

I don’t have a ton of time to write, but I wanted to let everybody know that we’re leaving today from Craig at 11:30 and our flight leaves Denver for Orange County at 2:39, arriving at 4:00. I’m actually getting a little anxious about the whole trip, but know that people are praying for us will calm my nerves for sure. We had a little trouble getting our new van yesterday because the credit union that I was getting the loan from never told me that I needed to be a Colorado resident to get the loan, even though they knew I lived in California. But we had some amazing people that helped us and we got it last night. Sara (Thompson) left last night at 2:30am to drive it back, and two other men from our church left last night to drive my car back, so pray for their safety as well. Needless to say, we’re tired from being up late, but excited to go home. I’ll write again to let everybody know how it all went! God bless.

Aaron.

Merry Christmas

2005-12-24T23:54:00.000-08:00

Hello All—

First of all, I want to wish all of you a Merry Christmas.  (I think the law states that I must start this message by saying “Merry Christmas.” There is so much good news to report since I last wrote two weeks ago.  First, thank you for all of the comments supporting us on the blog-25- it’s the most we’ve had in a while.  I think I was feeling the same about the blog as I was about the hospital—it’s amazing how a few bad people can really change the atmosphere of a place.  Over the last two weeks though, we’ve been able to focus on the people we normally work with and things we need to do to prepare to go home.  In our last meeting with our team, it was very encouraging to hear all the good things they had to say.

I won’t go through all the details of what we’ve been doing for the past two weeks, but our major highlights include learning to use the bus system, going out to eat and going shopping, and taking a trip to the aquarium.  We have also learned a lot about airline and car transfers and how to travel home, and we both feel comfortable in making the trip.  It may not sound like much, but there were a few “adventures” in there.  On our trip to the aquarium, Kari had to drive over a mile through snow covered sidewalks and over a bridge on a major street over a river.  We also got stuck once at a restaurant because the route to the bus stop was covered in ice and snow.  The people at Craig had to call a van to come pick us up and we didn’t get home until about two hours after we finished eating.  Everything we do now is a new experience, and we’ve learned a lot just going out on our own.  We also bought an accessible van yesterday (even though it won’t be delivered until Tuesday).  The van that we were donated was having problems with the air suspension and it would have taken at least three weeks to get it fixed, so we decided that we really needed to buy one that we could trust.  Anyways, the dealer was able to bring the van out so Kari could get in it, and we both liked it a lot.  The one we are getting only has 9 miles on it, so we are exciting about getting our first new car!  Sarah is out here now visiting, and she will drive it back, and two other people from Brookside are coming out to drive my car home.

We are flying home on Wednesday the 28th, and are frantically trying to get all the loose ends wrapped up before we leave.  Our apartment won’t be ready until at least the 5th of January though, so we’ll be staying with friends from Brookside until we can move in.  Even though we won’t be in our own place though, it’ll be great to be out of the hospital and back in California.  We’re going to be at church on New Year’s Day.  Even being only 3 days away, it is hard to think that we are actually going home.  We are excited about it, but a little scared for sure.

Aaron.

Bad comments...

2005-12-11T22:29:00.000-08:00

Hello—

The blog will be down for a little while, or until I find out who made the absolutely idiotic comments that I replied to on the last entry. I’m sorry to all of you that are faithful readers, but comments like those don’t exactly encourage me to write anymore. I read the comments to Kari and she was shocked that anybody would be so arrogant to shamelessly write those comments. Please use the comment section under this blog to identify yourself so that I may speak with you directly.

Aaron and Kari

A little more info

2005-12-10T08:56:00.000-08:00

This is just an add-on to the last post which I did last night.

I’m sorry I didn’t include much about Kari’s progress in the last update. For the most part, she’s doing about the same. She still has significant pain, but it is manageable with her pain meds. She will get her casts off on Monday, have them off for a week, and then have one more final set. The atmosphere of this hospital is really wearing on her. So much of the staff is hard to work with. Kari is tired of being treated like an uneducated child, and is very sensitive when the nursing staff is demeaning. I read her the last update that I wrote and she told me that she agreed with every word of it. At the mall yesterday, it was very hard for Kari to be stared at all day and to always feel in the way. She did a great job driving her new chair though, and got her ears re-pierced, but each of us were sad about how things are going. I can’t ever remember being with Kari and having both of us feel as sad as we did sitting around here last night. This morning her nurse came in to turn her and didn’t listen to how Kari wanted to be positioned. She also reminded us that the cafeteria closes for breakfast at 9:00 three times, even though Kari told her that she didn’t want anything. Of course, she did a bad job with Kari’s positioning and I had to fix it. The way she left her was painful to Kari, and her sheets were wrinkled up underneath her, which is bad for her skin. It seems like every time someone comes in they assume that we don’t know how to do anything and that we can’t read a clock. I can never trust that someone will do a good job. When her nurse left, I asked Kari what was wrong, and she just said “I hate it here.” We are trying to focus on going home so hard. I know that it is only a bit longer, but when every day you people are treating you with a demeaning attitude and you have to be on guard constantly against inferior care, 2 ½ weeks seems like a long time.

Aaron.

Let's get out of Dodge

2005-12-09T22:44:00.000-08:00

Hello All—

Not much new news to report except that I think we are getting more and more firm on our Dec. 28th leaving date.  Also, Kari manual wheelchair, which we need if her power one breaks and when we need to get into tighter spaces, has been denied by our insurance.  It is being resubmitted, but if it is not approved we will have to pay $3500 for it.  Because of the generosity of everybody who has sent donations, we have the means to buy it, but every dollar is important as there are so many costs still to come from home health care to prescriptions, to medical supplies.

We went to Colorado Mills today, which was a good outing, but right now I cannot get over the incidences that took place here at the hospital the last two days.  Yesterday morning, without anybody telling me first, five administrators from the hospital pulled me out of the room to talk to me about the roll-away bed that a nurse had brought in for me so that I could sleep next to Kari.  Even though it was obvious to any logical human being that there was not a problem having the bed there, they told me that they had to remove the bed because it was a safety hazard.  Their official policy states that the area where Kari sleeps can only have one bed, so obviously they were allowed to remove it if they wanted to.  My primary disagreement with them is that the reason for the rule was not applicable in this situation.  There was plenty of space to move the bed aside if there was an emergency.  There was more space in the room with the bed there than there was in previous rooms that they had deemed safe enough for Kari.  Still, while I could not make them change their policy for me, the arrogance of the administration, none of whom had ever been in the room, and none of whom knew anything about Kari or her situation, deeply offended me.  If they had simply been honest with me and said that they were removing the bed because that’s their policy and they won’t make any exceptions, that’s fine, but they were trying to tell me that they had Kari’s safety and best interest in mind, and that staff had complained about the bed being there, even though not a word was ever said to me.  Keep in mind, none of the people in the meeting had ever been in the room or knew Kari.  They were so arrogant to even ask me “Don’t you want what’s best for your wife?”

Today, the nursing supervisor removed a “do not disturb sign” that we had placed on the door.  When I confronted her as to why it was removed, she told me that she would not discuss it with me.  I had to yell to get her to listen so she immediately called security.  Of course it was unnecessary and I got her to sit down and talk with me, but got the same old run around that we always get at this hospital.  Apparently the nurse that took the sign off our door told her that she had spoken to us.  She did not.  When I told the supervisor this, she refused to believe me.  Because I had been so visible angry and raised my voice in the hallway, she told me that I was negatively impacting Kari’s care.  When I told her that people here that we have gotten to know and have actually worked with had a good relationship with us, she told me that it was only because they were too nice to tell me otherwise.  If they were honest, she said, I would find that they did not like me and were intimidated by me.

The real issue is that Dianne, the supervisor, is intimidated because I can see through the smoke and mirrors.  I do not and will not accept the demeaning, dishonest and arrogant attitude that some of the nursing staff and the administration here display.  Some of the nurses here talk to Kari like she is three years old.  They are dishonest.  They assume that they know best even when they don’t know the patient.  And don’t forget about the incident that happened when I was gone and Kari’s nurse, against policy, denied Kari’s request to go back to bed.  The nurse sat in a meeting with us and Dianne and flat out lied about what had happened.  Dianne backed her up without hesitation.  “Let’s not worry about the details of what actually happened, lets try to move forward,” she said.  Never mind the fact that part of moving on is trying to understand what happened.  This may not seem like a big deal, but the day in and day out grind of being at a hospital for 145 days wears on you.  I think that the supervisors and administration here have forgotten what they do.  They have forgotten the Hell that every patient here and their families have been through.  They would fight for their loved ones too, I hope, but they do not want me to do the same.

We are at the point now that we have zero faith or confidence in the nursing care at this hospital.  Not because all the nurses here are bad, to be sure, there are some amazing people here.  But what happens when something doesn’t go right?—Who is there for us to turn to?  We are seriously considering not coming back here for Kari’s re-evaluation.  My stomach turns with the thought of ever even having to think about Craig Hospital again.  The part that I am most angry about is that our last month here, our most important month in many ways, has to be so miserable.  There is too much stuff to do without having to deal with this.  I hope that I can let go of the anger that I have towards this place so we can get done everything that we need to get done so we can go home.  The last thing I want to do is to offend or have ill feelings towards the many people here that we like:  Dr. Balazy, Dr. Sam, Avery, Lisa, Debie and Debbie, Brea, Jamie, Laura, Laura, Heather, Heather, Heather, Amanda, Dianne and Dianne.  (Lots of repeater names in there, huh?)  I feel bad about hating this place so much when there are so many good people here.  The problem is when the people that are put in a position to deal with the problems don’t do their job.  We don’t expect everything to be perfect, we just expect to be listened to.

I know that there is a lot of anger behind what I am writing here.  I hope that we can get over that and move on.  I guess I am using this forum to let it out because I feel that there is nobody else that will listen.  The psychologist and our case manager have been great about being our advocates, but there is only so much they can do.  There is a culture of arrogance here.  What I have come to find out is that a lot of the people that work here care about what happens here.  The people that run the place, and yes, I have spoken with the president of the hospital, are much more concerned with the image that Craig Hospital has to the public.  Maybe I was naive to believe that this place would be different.  People have told me what other places are like.  For all its reputation as a great institution, though, the administration’s mantra is “Image is everything, the patient is nothing.”

Update 12/7

2005-12-07T15:46:00.000-08:00

Hello All—

Well, it looks like we will not be home for Christmas after all, but after we’ve been here this long, a few days doesn’t make too much of a difference.  The thing holding us here now is our apartment community, which will not be open (it’s brand new) until the 27th, so Kari will not be able to come home until the 28th or 29th.  There is a very slim possibility that we will be able to move in sooner, but it doesn’t look likely.  The apartment manager already talked to the construction people and they told her that they couldn’t do anything earlier than the 27th, but then she told me to check back with her again at the end of the week.  At this point, being here for Christmas isn’t nearly as upsetting as just being here even another minute longer than we have to.  Both Kari and I are sick of being at this hospital, and despite all its acclaim as a great facility there are many annoying, frustrating, and counter-productive things that happen every day.  From scheduling things like x-rays or tests during our therapy times to just dealing with some of the staff, it often seems pointless to be here any longer.  I like our PT and OT, the doctors, and most of the rest of the staff, but it’s amazing how a few stupid people or just a lack of simple communication between doctors, nurses and therapists can really downgrade the environment.   I even feel bad feeling bad about this place because there are a handful of people here we really love and will miss, and I wish we could be happier about being here for their sake.  As Kari explained to me though, when I was upset with the east-side nursing coordinator this morning (and apparently she’s not too popular with some of the staff), we just have to keep our cool for a few more weeks and let the stupid things go.  Also, Lisa, the psychologist, and Avery, our case manager are always there to help smooth out the problems we have with staff—its nice when people have your back.

Okay enough being a metal grate for air to pass through and on to some real news.  Even though we weren’t able to get in early, the apt. manager at Stone Canyon has been great.  Everybody that I’ve dealt with there so far has been super nice and she has also been helpful to me in planning the bathroom modifications we’ll have to make.  From what I’ve heard, a lot of places try to tell you that you can’t do anything and then you have to fight them on it, but they’ve been helpful on getting measurements and things like that.

As for the past week, on Friday Kari and I went on another outing, our first in 2 ½ months, to a mall.  Part of the reason for the outing was to use public transportation and we took the public bus which was pretty easy.  There weren’t any other passengers except for Craig people because the bus company uses this to train new drivers on how to handle the chair lift and tie-downs.  Kari did a great job driving and the only time I had to push her was when we were in the dishes and china section at Dillard’s.  This Friday we’re going to Colorado Mills for the whole day which should be cool—probably do some shopping and see a movie.  On Monday, Kari got off her last set of straightening casts off her arms and her first set of pronating casts that will help turn her hands palm-side down.  Along with her arms being locked at a 90 degree angle, her forearms were also locked so her palms were always facing up, which makes it hard to use her arms at all.  She’ll probably have one more set after these put on on Monday.

The most exciting news this week though, is that Kari’s wheelchair came in yesterday.  It is shorter than the hospital one she is in now and fits her way better.  It’s also a nice shade of blue.  In the new chair, Kari will have more room in the van and also be able to fit her legs under tables.  It is also a better model and it has technology to keep the chair going straight on uneven surfaces, like when you go over a curb cut or driveway on the sidewalk.  With the sip and puff controls you have to make continuous adjustments to keep the chair from veering down the slope if you don’t have that technology.  Today we also took a look at some voice recognition software for computer that looked really neat.  Anyways, I have a whole lot of pictures that I can see if John will post on the website because I haven’t posted new pics in a while.  I’ll also include a few of our new place in Riverside too.  22 more days to go!

Aaron.

Update 11/29

2005-11-30T00:54:00.000-08:00

Hello All—

Kari had her second set of casts put on her arms Monday and the process seems to be going very well.  The whole thing should be done on Dec. 12th or 19th, which puts our release date on the 20th or 27th, which is more in line with where we were thinking before.  Maybe we’ll be home for Christmas, maybe not—it doesn’t really matter to me, I just want to go home sometime.  We’ve also found some nurses and techs that we like on this side and that has made life more enjoyable.  We still miss our old staff, but many of them have come by to visit, which has been nice.  The nurse today and the tech tonight talked a lot about the different things they need to teach us before we go home.  After being in limbo for so long it’s sort of scary to think that we’ll be going home in 3-4 weeks.  We left California on July 13th, and while I’ve been back for a total of 6 days, Kari has been gone now for 140.   There is so much to do to get ready to come back.  My biggest concerns right now are that we’ll have all our equipment on time, that the apartment management will help us modify the bathroom to put in a roll-in shower, and that we’ll qualify for Medi-Cal and In Home Supportive Services (IHSS).  So far, we’ve been too “rich” to qualify for anything but disability, but I’ve learned a little about the process and am going to re-apply.  I’m not sure what we are going to do about home health care if we don’t get IHSS.  The system is such that I’d be better off making a lot less money.  Anyways, pray for a softening of heart for the manager of our apartment, for quick processing of all our equipment orders, and for favor with the person that reviews our Medi-Cal and IHSS applications.

After being sick for about the last week, Kari had a better day today, but in the evening had a lot of stomach pain and spasms as well as extremely high blood pressure.  At one point it was 203/97.  The doctor wasn’t exactly sure what caused it because it didn’t look like autonomic dysreflexia, so he prescribed some new medicine.  The best news, though, is that Kari got her trache tube removed today!  It looked pretty weird when they took it out because there was just a hole in her neck.  I showed it to Kari in the mirror before they bandaged it up and she thought it looked weird too.  Because she had her trache for so long, it may take up to 3 weeks to totally heal.  Tomorrow she is having her vena cava filter (helps prevent blood clots) removed, and after that the only thing left to go is to take out her g-tube, which goes into her stomach.  I still can’t believe that we’re actually leaving in less than a month.  Part of my brain is telling me that it won’t happen anyways and that something else will come up, but I’m trying to be optimistic.  We are still on for another month this summer, but can’t wait to get back home and get back to work and school.

P.S.  Gage people be proud—I played our tech a recording of my orchestra and she was floored by how good it was.

Update 11/25

2005-11-25T07:02:00.000-08:00

Hello All—

It’s been a long time since I’ve written—two weeks exactly, and a lot has happened.  For starters, the feeling that has returned to Kari’s feet and legs is still there, but it is not normal or consistent sensation.  I still can’t tell if it is more of a “phantom” type of feeling that works sort of like nerve pain, or if it is more just reflexes and spasticity, or if it is regular feeling, but because of the injury it doesn’t feel normal.  Sometimes when I have her close her eyes she can tell me where I touched, but sometimes she gets it wrong, and sometimes she tells me I’m touching her when I’m not at all.  At any rate, the feeling isn’t as painful as it was when it first started coming back.  On Monday, Kari started the process of casting her arms to try to straighten them.  During the 40 days that Kari was out of it mentally, the spasms in her arms were so bad that they becamed locked at about a 90 degree angle with her palms facing up.  The muscles and tendons had gotten so tight that it was impossible to even try to stretch them.  The point of the phenol injections that she had last Thursday was to try to relax her arms so they could start stretching them out.  The casts that they put on are plaster and go from her shoulder to her wrist on each arm.  The bottom of the cast is cut out so that in PT and OT her arms can still be stretched, but the top of the cast prevents her from flexing at the elbow.  The people doing the casting say it will take 4-5 weeks to complete the process.  Of course originally they told us 2-3 weeks—I think the person doing the casting took about 5 minutes to say 4-5 weeks because she knew we were hoping to go home sooner.  Kari had to ask her 3 times until she got a straight answer!  I’m beginning to think its impossible to get a straight answer from anyone around here.  Anyways, the 4-5 week timeline puts our release date to somewhere around January 5th-10th, which is about 7 weeks past our original release date.  Even with all the extra time, we will still probably have to come back to the hospital this summer for another month to finish all the things that they didn’t have time to do while she was here.  It’s normal to come back for a re-evaluation in 6months, ours will just be longer.  I’m actually glad that they are planning to do it that way, because the both of us are starting to just hate it here.  Even at a good hospital like Craig, there are people that don’t know what they’re doing, or just don’t listen very well, or have really bad bedside manner and are just annoying to deal with.  I think that the doctors and therapists are good most of the time, but the nurses and techs are hit and miss—some are great, but sometimes you can get one that isn’t.

The other big thing that happened is that on Tuesday we moved over to the east side.  It’s nice to have everything all in one place and to not have to go back and forth between the apartment and her room.  It’s also nice for visitors because it isn’t so cramped in here anymore.  There are a couple of drawbacks, though.  I was getting pretty used to my nice spacious apartment and bed, and here there is only a sleeper sofa, no stove and only small fridge.  It’s pretty cramped with all of our stuff.  We’ve gotten so many things and brought so much stuff here because of the long stay, that it doesn’t really all fit in the room.  Also, other than the room, its really not different from the other side, so there isn’t a lot of privacy, (we can’t lock the door) and people are always coming in and out—not any time to watch TV in your underwear!  Okay—I think I was just a little spoiled having my own place for 4 months.  Hopefully the staff here will learn Kari’s needs quickly—its been difficult to leave the staff over at the West side (at least the good ones.)  From first impressions, the staff here seems not as good as the other side, but hopefully it’s just because they haven’t had her before and that it will get better the longer we are here.  Still though, I’m glad to be over here even if there are a lot of annoyances to moving.  It seems like a step in the right direction—if not medically, at least in environment and attitude for Kari.

Kari spent Thanksgiving and the night before throwing up and having “the runs” until the after noon.  It was the first time she had stayed in bed all day for a while.  The test for “c-diff” the stomach infection that she’s had now three times came back positive, and its been causing her a lot of pain and cramping in her stomach.  She seemed to feel better last night and this morning, though, so hopefully she’ll be over it fast.  We are cooking Thanksgiving dinner today in a special room that they have for families to entertain here.  My mom and Bryan flew out yesterday and our friends Nate and Joy Cox are here from St. Charles visiting too.  Anyways—I gotta go to the grocery store—hope to see you soon.

Aaron.

Feet

2005-11-19T02:04:00.000-08:00

It's very early in the morning, but I think I'll share something I've hesitated to share since it happened. In short, this afternoon as Kari's legs were being stretched, she actually felt her muscles stretching, and all evening has had feeling returning to her rear end, parts of her legs, and especially to her feet. Though the feelings are still quite spotty, what's come back isn't just feeling pressure either. She can feel temperature and specific touch. I can scratch her feet lightly, even through socks, and she can tell where--and, well, it tickles.

Of course, I hesitated to share this because I didn't want to get up any false hopes. It might go away tomorrow. More important, feeling returning doesn't mean that any more movement or function will return to her legs. It's a necessary condition, but NOT sufficient. Yet everyone else here is happy, including nurses and doctors. Some are ecstatic, flashing thumbs up everywhere and saying over and over, "This is a good thing, girl! A good thing!" So I figured we ought to join them. You don't want to let your guard against false hope keep you away from hoping and being thankful, and sometimes it does. It's too complex to get into here, but outside of really obvious instances, I sometimes think the distinction between false and real hope isn't ever very clear anyway.

Also, I thought how this shows how we can both hope and still be pulled down by the gritty realities of things. "This is really scary," Kari said. "It's so weird to feel my feet again." Though she was so happy and we called Aaron as soon as we could, the reality is that regaining feeling has made her much, much, much, much more uncomfortable physically. Her legs and feet hurt a lot, burning and aching as I described in the last post. She's become hyper-sensitive to the touch, and the new feelings set off spasms much more easily. It's almost impossible to feel her whole lower body, especially her legs, is ever positioned right, and it's doubly, triply frustrating to feel them and not be able to move them. "I just have to move them; they hurt so much," she has said over and over. Yet, of course, she can't move them. Tonight the pain and frustration has made it hard to get to sleep again, and her fear level is spiking, because she and everyone knows what pain and lack of sleep did to her for six weeks. It's now past 2:00 a.m. and she's kept tossing and turning and moaning. So out here we are at it again: rejoicing and being truly thankful on the one hand, yet feeling reigned in by the minute by minute realities of pain and frustration and fear. Sometimes I've thought that if we were really thankful we could just rise above those other things easily, but that doesn't seem right and certainly not real. Better than talking about false hope might be distinguishing between easy and hard hope, or even cheap and costly hope, somewhat like when Dietrich Boenhoeffer (sp?) distinguished between cheap and costly grace in "The Cost of Discipleship." The first, he said, was the real enemy of the church. As always, we covet your prayers.

--Richard R. Guzman

Making Progress

2005-11-18T15:34:00.000-08:00

While Aaron is in Kentucky for his grandfather's memorial service, I'm happy to be back in Denver again with Kari. Aaron just sent two dozen roses to Kari, complete with an "I love you" balloon, and so I'm ducking out to do a quick update while one of Kari's OT's is putting them in a vase for her just before they have a short therapy session.

Aaron calculated that Kari was in her confused mental state for 40 days and 40 nights, and we are all glad to be out of that dark night. Weeks ago, as she was slipping into that state, I remember that we were lucky if Kari slept for more than 30 minutes at a time, so the other night when she complained about only getting 4 1/2 at one shot, I reminded her of how just a few weeks ago I saw her get just 6 hours of night sleep in four days! She's been sleeping fairly well since about last Monday now, and it's a night-and-day difference, of course. Her main doctor is also trying to be very, very minimal with drugs. "We don't want to take a chance of influencing your mental condition again," he said this morning.

He might have to, however, though he's holding off. Kari still has painful spasms, this time centered more in her legs and especially in her stomach. There's nothing much anyone can do with the stomach spasms either, but the thought seems to be that these spasms are temporary and that she can work through them. "I'm tired of working through things," Kari said this morning, but, of course, she gritted her teeth and worked through them and seems to be able to keep on top of things. Her jaw shakes and shivers with pain sometimes, though, and a couple of days ago her right foot shook so violently that it rattled and swayed her wheelchair, which weighs about 300 pounds!

Yesterday was a very rough day because she had four phenol injections, two in each arm, one in the bicep and one above the elbow. They sent electric pulses down the arm to locate each nerve precisely, and the whole thing put her in excruciating pain and increased her spasms all afternoon and all day today. She says her whole body feels like when your legs are coming out of being asleep, all electric and spikey and buzzing. Phenol is a form of botox, and they gave her the shots to weaken her bicep muscles, which have became so strong that they overpowered all her other arm muscles and prevented her therapists from efficiently strengthening her other muscles, like her shoulder muscles. They had become almost locked up lately, too, so that her arms were almost always folding, palms up, against her chest. "No more chicken-wing arms after this!" Amanda, her regular OT said. Amanda said that she had wanted to have the shots a month ago, but Kari's mental state took priority. Now Monday they will stretch out her arms, which are still locked up, and then they will do some serial casting, putting her arms in drop-out casts which will allow her to extend her arms downward, but not fold them up. They want to get her palms turned downward, too. With arms outstretched and palms down, they will achieve a more functional arm form, and with more therapy Kari should be able to do things like feed herself with her arms and hands in that position. The arms, though, are still very locked and very painful, so she has a lot to get through again.

Still, everyone is so positive and happy to have her back. That goes for other patients and their families that know her here too. And Kari's basic health keeps improving and getting more and more solid. There is talk now that perhaps next week they will remove the trache tube. Heidi, one of her respiratory techs, thinks she's ready now. "I'll hug you so big when you get that thing out next week," she said this morning. They also talk about moving her over to the east wing next week. "Your health is getting way too good to be over here much longer," Dr. Balazy said this morning. He and her psychologist said it was also time for her to start being a resource for them, talking to other patients and encouraging them. Her psychologist said that since that was what she was good at, she should get back to helping the other patients here as soon as possible. There's still a ton of pain to get through, and when I go back in a minute I know she'll be shaking with it until she recovers a little from her therapy session; but she's also gotten through so much already that that can't help but inspire others. You can picture it, can't you?

--Richard R. Guzman

Update from California Trip

2005-11-11T11:56:00.000-08:00

Hello Again—

If you haven’t read the previous update—I just posted it late last night—read it first.  Anyways, my trip to California was exhausting but good.  For starters, I found an apartment.  It will still need some bathroom modification, but everything else is good.  It’s right off the 215 on Quail Run Rd. in Riverside, about 5 miles from my school.  It’s a great location and is set in a little bowl in some rocky hills.  It’s brand new, so our move in time of late December works well for them.  I also got to see many of my former students at a field tournament on Saturday night.  A bunch of them met me and the high school director at Starbucks afterward and had a good time just goofing around.  Sunday I spent at Church and got to see everybody for the first time in a while.  Please keep praying for our friend Melissa Logan, who I also got to see.  It’ll be nice to come home because I know that Kari and Melissa are dying to see each other.  They have been on this rollercoaster since January and have been a great support to Kari and me.  It’s horrible, but I’m thankful for someone that understands.

Also on Sunday, my mother called me with the sad news that her dad had passed away.  My grandpa was ready to go to heaven though, and I’m sure the Lord was ready to have him.  He was 93 and had just moved to a nursing home a few weeks ago.  He was not on any medication and just died of old age.  The thing I remember most about him was the story he always told about moving to the desert as a young man.  He said he wanted to “get as far away from God as possible” so he moved to the desert in Southern California.  Shortly afterwards, a Sunday school and church opened up right next to where he had moved.  God continued to pursue him and he eventually became a Free Methodist Pastor (like Kari) When I was little, I used to get tired of the story, but as I got older I began to appreciate it and him for his life of service to God.  I viewed his faith as pure uncomplicated, not because he had not endured a lot of things, but because he eventually just surrendered to the God that pursued him and who he could no longer deny—refreshing in a day and age that tries to make God into so many things other than what he is: God.  I’ll be traveling to Kentucky for his memorial service Thursday through Saturday.

Monday I went to Gage and got to listen to my band.  I must admit I was nervous to go there after being so far away, but I calmed down and was able to enjoy seeing the kids and fellow teachers and staff.  In the afternoon I wrapped up things with the apartments and went home.  I Can’t wait to go back.

Update 11/10

2005-11-10T20:55:00.000-08:00

Hello All—

I haven’t written in a while because things have been so busy.  A lot has changed since our last update.  For starters Kari has made a lot of progress and is even sitting here following along as I write this entry.  The sleep doctor came on Friday, and while I was in California, they were trying (again) to keep Kari awake all day until 2:00am and then have her get up by 9:00am.  They also took Kari off all sleeping medications.  Friday and Saturday we tried this, but Kari got so agitated that by the time 2:00 rolled around she was in too much of a state of panic to actually sleep.  We also had a major issue with one of Kari’s nurses while I was gone.  Basically what happened is that Kari was in a lot of pain and was asking to go back to bed around 10:00pm or so.  The nurse wanted to push Kari to stay up until at least midnight, but Kari didn’t want too and asked if she could talk to a doctor to explain why she wanted to go back to bed because the nurse wouldn’t let her.  Rather than honoring Kari’s request, she reiterated that Kari had to stay up until midnight.  At this point, Kari started to panic because she was in a lot of pain.  Cyndi, Kari’s sister, explained the situation to the nurse and the history of Kari not sleeping and being anxious.  She again refused.  Basically she just wasn’t going to listen to the family or Kari because she assumed that she knew best, even though Kari was in obvious pain and had asked twice to go back to bed.  She wasn’t even Kari’s regular nurse!  I understand that the staff here at Craig wants to push the patients to go as far as they can, but at a certain point you have to listen to the patient.  I don’t think she was malicious, but if she had really listened to Kari or Cyndi this wouldn’t have happened.  Weather its arrogance, negligence, or just insensitivity, the outcome was that Kari had to suffer more pain and anxiety.  I had been on the phone with Cyndi through some of this and when I heard what was going on, I got the nurse on the phone and screamed at her.  Kari was put back to bed immediately.  Just to wrap up the story, I met with the director of nursing, the nursing supervisor, the nurse, Kari, Cyndi (over the phone), and Kari’s mom to try to figure out how a nurse could be so irresponsible.  All of us (family) feel that the nurse never was totally honest with what had happened.  She stuck to her story that no one had ever asked her to put Kari to bed and anytime she couldn’t explain something, her memory was conveniently fuzzy.  At first she didn’t even acknowledge talking to Kari at all.  Anyways, to make a long story less long, we met for over 2 ½ hours and by the end of it I was satisfied that the directors understood what had happened.  I think the simple fact that they were willing to meet for that long says a lot about how much they care that things are done right.  I’m still going to file a grievance for the nurse’s dishonesty and misconduct, and I know the supervisors have talked to her about her mistakes, so I guess it’ll have to end there.

Anyways, it looked like the two days of sleeping that we had gotten out of her on 10/30 and 11/1 were just flukes.  On Monday night, though, Kari got yet another kind of sleeping medication and actually slept through most of the night.  Again on Tuesday and Wednesday night she slept well.  In the last entry I wrote that we haven’t even seen what two nights of sleep in a row will do for her, but now we have three, and I can say that Kari’s mind is basically back to normal.  (Yeah!!!!!!) The thing that makes me confident that this time is for real, is that Kari now doesn’t remember a lot of things from the past month, and speaks of it like it was all a dream.  What she does remember of it she knows if it was real or a dream.  She’s not just clear headed; she can also speak clearly and doesn’t get mixed up with things, even when she’s tired.  Today we all went to the Ice cream shop again for lunch.

In some ways, though, becoming more aware has been hard for Kari.  First of all, her muscles seem to get tighter the more awake she is.  More importantly, though, this has been the first time Kari has been well enough to really think about her injury.  First she was in survival mode, then just sick, then in pain, then delirious, and when she cleared up, it seemed like everything hit her at once.  She was defiantly sad to learn how hard these last 5-6 weeks have been.  Even though she knows it’s not her fault, she said she was sorry that it happened and that everyone was so sad and worried.  Anyways, we still have a lot more things to get through.  I also would like to thank all of you that decided to fast for us—I can never say for sure what brought Kari out of this, but I am thankful that it happened and if for nothing else, I know that your prayers have kept us relying on God, even if the path is not any clearer.  I think that any attempt to try to quantify or explain this whole situation is simplistic at best, and answers aren't really the point of life anyways—thanks for helping to keep us going.

P.S. – I’ll write about my trip to California in a few hours here, but I gotta take Kari back to Craig (we’re at the apartment) for her shower.

Update 11/3

2005-11-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

Hello All—

Here’s the sleep update. Kari slept Sunday night, none Monday night, the whole night Tuesday, and only about 2 hours Wednesday night. Right now she is dozing off but waking up every few minutes because of spasms. We had a very good day, though. Kari was confused a lot less today. We did a couple of new things in PT (a sliding board transfer and stretching on the mat) and after OT we went over to Swedish Hospital to visit her old nurses. Melissa and Kristy were both there and were very excited to see her and amazed at how good she looked—almost back to normal and not even wearing oxygen during the day now. Kristy was the very first Nurse that Kari had and was there when Kari went into Surgery back in July. Kari was not 100% clear mentally today, but she was a lot better and told Kristy that it was “good to come back to visit to see how far you’ve come.” After our visit we went around the corner to a little ice cream shop that has the best ice cream I’ve ever had. It was our first time out by ourselves to a restaurant or store and was a lot of fun. Kari even drank the espresso that they had there. It was nice to be outside too. After we got back, ate dinner and got her back into bed her confusion and anxiety started to increase again. By about 8pm she had a hard time remembering anything we did today without excessive prompting and was getting very mixed up between what she was watching on TV and what she was doing. As I’m writing this she has been waking up and trying to tell me something but not making any sense and panicking a lot. It does finally seem like we’re making some progress, though, but it looks like night time will be hard for a while yet. It is so frustrating how she can be nice and relaxed for hours and then all of the sudden going into extreme panic—shaking, screaming, begging for help, and not knowing what’s going on or making sense when she speaks. We still haven’t seen what even two nights in a row of sleep can do for her. A sleep specialist is supposedly coming tomorrow afternoon, so we’ll see what he has to say. Looking forward to being at church on Sunday and Lester Oaks on Saturday and seeing people in Cali. I hope your fasting is going well if you are participating.

Aaron.

Halloween Update

2005-10-31T22:36:00.000-08:00

Hello All—

Happy Halloween, peeps. We had a pretty good day today. Kari slept most of the night last night and was pretty confused in the morning, but by about 11am she was clearing up. We went outside and stayed up in the chair for over 5 hours which is the longest in a long time. As the evening went on though, she started to slip back into panic and confusion. She tends to have extreme anxiety either over something that she can’t explain to us or over something that even she can’t identify. It was encouraging that she slept, but until she sleeps on a consistent basis, it looks like our problems will continue. At least today we had a sliver of hope.

I also want to give you all an opportunity to participate with our home church, Brookside Free Methodist Church, in a one week-long fast that starts tomorrow (Tues. Nov. 1st) The purpose of the fast is to submit to God this whole situation—Kari’s health and mental status obviously, but also all the other issues that surround this. If you want a good starter list of what to pray for, go to the “prayer and blessing” link on the website. Specifically our pastor has called us to do a “juice fast,” which means that you would only consume juices and water for the duration of the fast. If you are healthy, you should be physically able to continue all of your normal activities. Of course, the exact manner in which you fast is a personal decision. Some people at our church that don’t feel able to do the juice fast have fasted from solid foods, from TV, from the internet, from a particular food item like coffee or soda, or basically anything else that would be a constant reminder of the purpose of the fast. If you feel led to participate, give it a try. You should commit to doing it for the duration of the fast, but if you really can’t make it, there is still a great benefit to doing what you can. To help us understand what God is doing and teaching us during the fast, we often share our experiences and feelings with each other to gain better discernment. I would encourage you, if you are not a member of Brookside, to let Jenny Switkes (jswitkes@hotmail.com) know that you are participating and also email her some of your feelings/experiences. That way we can better understand what God is doing amongst the body of believers and is doing or will do with Kari. If you don’t want to use your name, that’s fine too, and if you don’t want to let anybody know what you are doing, that’s fine as well—it’s all up to you. BTW—I know that most of you will probably not read this until sometime on Tuesday, the day this all starts, so if you want to participate, just join in whenever you are ready. If you have any questions, you can also email Jenny at the address above. God bless you all.

Aaron.

Update 10/28

2005-10-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

Well, it has been essentially 1 month since Kari entered her current mental state and at the moment I can’t say that we are any closer to coming out of it. Right now she is almost exactly the same as the first night. Shaking her head back and forth, yelling out a mix of syllables and complete nonsense, and trying to bite her hand and lip. A few times I had to yell at her because she got a hold of one of her fingers and chomped down on it as hard as she could. Most of the time during the day she is able to answer the standard “What’s my name?” and “Where are you?” questions, during the night she is much less stable. Tonight she seems worse than normal as she is completely confused—not able to answer questions or even follow simple commands. The spasms are particularly bad. Every minute or so, she will throw her arms up and shake her head back and forth violently 15-25 times and then stop. A few minutes ago she was screaming “no!” over and over again at the top of her lungs, pausing only to throw her head up and down on the pillow. She has had two different periods of 1 hour of sleep today, but other than maybe an hour or two yesterday, that’s all the sleep she’s had since Monday morning at 3am. That’s really all the news I have, I wish there was more. Everybody says that they know that Kari will get better, but the facts are that even the doctors here aren’t sure what is exactly going, nothing has worked so far, and she isn’t any better than she was a month ago. I am still hopeful, but unsure of if and when she’ll come out of it.

Aaron.

P.S. I’m coming home Nov. 5-7 to look at apartments, so if anybody has any suggestions of places near Redlands, email them to me.

Update 10/26

2005-10-26T16:51:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

The psychiatrist came on Monday to evaluate Kari and basically just asked her a few questions for 10-15 minutes. He then went and talked to the doctor, whom I talked to at length after their meeting. The psychological analysis wasn’t really anything that we didn’t already know: that Kari, while alert enough to know where she is and who is around her most of the time, is experiencing a kind of delirium where she often sees or experiences things that are not happening, such as seeing someone in the room who is not there, is not able to choose the right words to convey her meaning, and experiences a high level of anxiety. He was very clear that this was NOT a form of dementia and that Kari did not show any of dementia’s normal signs in his diagnosis or in the brain MRI that was performed a few weeks ago. The basic difference between dementia and delirium is that dementia occurs when brain cells are actually damaged or are dysfunctional, such as in Alzheimer’s or stroke patients, where as delirium is a sudden change in mental status resulting in confusion or abnormal behavior. Also, we are not any closer at this point to figuring out the exact cause of Kari’s mental state. The only thing that we can point a finger at as a factor would be a severe lack of sleep and extreme pain, which is what we were already thinking. The psychiatrist did suggest that the doctors take Kari her valium and her three sleeping medications along with the risperdal (her anti-psychotic) not because he believed that these medicines had anything to do with the cause of her delirium, but because it can be very hard to evaluate a drug’s effectiveness when it is being given with a combination of other drugs. Also suggesting that this was not induced by drugs was that none of Kari’s meds were changed prior to her slipping in to her current mental condition.

That evening, they made the changes to here drug sheet and started her on Ziprasidone, another antipsychotic that has sedating properties. The feeling was that they could get both effects from one drug and then would be able to evaluate its effectiveness. So far, nothing much has changed. Kari did not sleep at all Monday or Tuesday night, and from last night into today, she seems to be having increased anxiety, mostly about things that are not actually happening. She always seems to be more relaxed during the day, so yesterday we tried to keep her from sleeping so that she would sleep at night. Because that didn’t work, today we are letting her sleep when she wants—there is no guarantee that she’ll sleep at night no matter what we do. The doctors expected that there would be an adjusting period to the new medication and going off the valium and sleeping medications, but also admit that she is one of the most puzzling cases they’ve dealt with. I think at this point that it is fair to say that it is impossible to make any clear judgments or conclusions about what is actually happening. There is no consistency with anything. It’s fairly obvious to me that most of her thoughts and the things she panics over are simply random places her mind is going—sometimes they have a link to reality, sometimes they don’t. Is there significance to what she says? Maybe, but to try to figure out any type of meaning from it will inevitably be inaccurate and ultimately be only a frustrating exercise. Simply because something works once doesn’t mean anything for next time. At night when Kari is having bad anxiety or spasms, I’ve tried just being ultra calm and soothing, I’ve tried “tough love”, the logical approach, distraction, any combination of the above and also just plain ignoring her. Every now and then one will work, most of the time they don’t. So the general plan here is to keep trying to get her to relax and sleep. We don’t have a time frame for when we think she’ll come out of this, and the nature of delirium makes it hard to figure out its exact causes. The bottom line is that we need to get her to rest both mentally and physically. Sleep is pretty much the only thing that should work for her—we just haven’t figured out how to get her to do it.

Update 10/22

2005-10-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

We had our third all-team meeting on Thursday.  It was good to get a chance to sit down and talk with everybody about the plan of attack from here on out.  First of all, the doctors asked me and Kari how we thought things were going.  Kari was pretty out of it, but I was able to explain my frustration with things.  It was a month ago that I was at wits end before our last team meeting because Kari had been in constant pain for weeks.  Of course on the day of the September meeting, Kari’s pain disappeared for a few hours, and thinking that the problem was solved, we didn’t get a chance to really explain our frustrations.  I felt that the doctors listened to me this time, and we all basically agreed that in the 11 weeks since we’ve been here, Kari hasn’t really participated in any rehabilitation.  Also, the doctors feel (and I agree) that they are past their ability to deal with Kari’s mental state.  We’ve seen some improvement, but not what they were hoping for, so Kari will be evaluated by a psychiatrist on Monday.  Many people have asked me if this is a normal kind of thing to go through as part of the injury—it’s definitely not normal, and although it is rare, it’s not necessarily unusual.  They doctors are pretty sure about what caused it, but not too sure about what to do from here.  I’ll try to update on Monday when we find out more.  At the end of the meeting, we set a new expected release date of December 20th, assuming that things from here on out go as planned.  Of course they haven’t thus far, so if you’re up for a New Year’s Eve in exciting Englewood, give me a call.  Actually, being here for the holidays doesn’t bother me so much as does the time away from home—my kids at Gage, friends at church, and just hanging out in our apartment together with our cats.  We left for Omaha on July 13th and it’ll be close to 6th months before we get settled into our new place.  (I’m coming home from Nov. 5th-7th to look at apartments.)

As for how the last few days have gone, needless to say they’ve been frustrating.  Kari has been aware of who people have been for basically the past too weeks, but she is becoming more and more delusional, especially at night.  She is taking valium, and three different sleeping medications along with the risperdal which is supposed to slow her mind down, and yet she can’t sleep.  She is so certain that she sees things going on in the room and she started to panic then the spasms start.  I have told here literally hundreds of time who’s here and who isn’t, but all last night and again this morning when I asked her who was here, she named off about 20 people.  Mostly, though, she is just sure that something bad is happening—people are breaking in, out to get us or someone at home is in trouble.  Often she will only whisper or refuse to speak because she is too afraid that someone will hear her.  Even though I know its not here fault, it angers me so much that she won’t listen to common sense, believe me when I say things are okay, or stop talking so she can sleep.  I think the worst part of it is that I feel like I’m taking care of a screaming baby—someone incapable of reasoning who is in a state of panic.  I’m really starting to miss the Kari that I’ve known for over eight years.  The last two weeks she has had one good night sleep and two or three nights with 6 hours or more spread out over about 10 hours.  Other than that, she’s usually only getting a few spurts of an hour or so.  After spending a few days and nights at the hospital when there were no visitors, I began to understand how this must be taking its toll on Kari.  I only slept a few hours over about two days—she’s been doing this for 3 months.  What to pray for?  I’m not sure if I really know what to ask anymore, but patience for me and no fear for Kari sounds good.

Aaron.

P.S.  My dad did a post a few minutes before this, so make sure you catch that too.

Slow Going

2005-10-22T12:58:00.000-07:00

As we heard of Hurricane Wilma moving so slowly, almost stalling, over the Yucatan Peninsula, I thought of our situation in Denver with Kari and how things there seem to be dangerous and stalled in their own way. Talking with Aaron, and with Linda who is there again, it seems that things have remained pretty much the same as when Aaron updated last Tuesday. Last night was, again, a night of relatively little sleep. Though Kari's basic physical condition holds steady, the accumulating effects of the medicines, unstable sleeping patterns, pain, worries and anxieties, and building frustrations are taking their toll. As I replied to one question a few days ago, though this type of "stalling" is not unheard of in these cases, it's hard to say it's "normal."

Worries and fears and anxieties seem to multiply and multiply and hound Kari every minute. This morning when Aaron took down some pictures, she began to worry about the blue stick-tack dots that had held them up and were still on the ceiling. So it's not just worries about being paralyzed, but about everything--miniscule or mammoth, and all of it in between. A huge mountain is being created, and while I believe they'll get over it some day, the climb seems to get longer by the hour. As I asked some days ago, please pray for peace for Kari so her mind can rest. When I think of the basic themes in the Bible, I think about how much there is about materialism and the plight of the poor, but these days what seems most highlighted are all the verses about worries and fears and being anxious. "Fear not, I am with you," "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil...." Let's pray together that these thoughts too will echo in Kari's mind. It's so hard for most of us not to fear, and I write this at one of the greatest levels of fear we have ever had.

Last night and early this morning was my time to coordinate the food program at a homeless shelter in Joliet, and one of the helpers was our good friend Ron Cothrine. He also broke his neck very high up and at 23 was paralyzed and spent eleven months in a body cast. "There'll be worst times even than this," he said. He also was not surprised at anything Kari is going though right now. "It's the meds and everything big and small--and just think of lying in the hospital 24/7 with nothing to do but worry. They should start some heavy psychiatric care soon." Then just minutes after I got home last night I heard from Aaron that they are indeed bringing a psychiatrist on to the case, and there is to be a psychiatric evaluation Monday. We'll keep you posted. Thank you for remembering us.

--Richard R. Guzman

Update 10/18

2005-10-18T22:35:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

Kari has had two bad, sleepless nights in a row, and tonight is shaping up to be no different. At this point, things are almost as bad as they were on 10/6, which was the worst night we’ve ever had. Her spasms are incredibly strong again and have been going on since 4:00 pm (its now almost midnight), save the one hour she was asleep. They didn’t start off that bad, but now her whole body shakes and trembles. She also started to shake her head back and forth so violently that I put her collar back on to protect her neck. When she’s having the spasms, not much she says makes any sense, and most of it is just a mix of syllables again, not real words. She’s not totally out of it though, as I’m pretty sure she knows who I am because I’ve learned a lot more about how she is when she’s like this. Still though, it’s very hard to get her to breathe or try to calm down before she just gives up for a minute or so. Hopefully this episode won’t be all night. I feel sorry for her when she’s like this—it’s not who she is. The doctors came in today to see her and said they might go back up on her risperdal because while she’s more aware and alert now, she’s still having a lot of delusional thoughts. We have our third full-team meeting on Thursday, so we’ll see what the plan of attack is then. I know we’ve had our release date pushed back into December, but it definitely could go back farther depending on how long this goes on. Hey, maybe we Southlanders will get a white Christmas after all—well, hope not.

Aaron.

Update 10/16

2005-10-16T23:24:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

The doctors have decreased a lot of Kari’s medications, so she has definitely become more alert over the past few days. She always knows who people are, but still has a lot of confusion about what is real and what is not. She will often look at a picture on the wall or just think about somebody and think that they are here, so we took all of her pictures down off the walls and ceiling. It has helped a little bit, but Kari’s mind still races, especially at night. I think what is happening is that she imagines things happening, things that are usually bad, and then believes that they are real. Often she will be very panicked about something because she believes that someone is in danger. Kari also still has a lot of trouble making sense when she talks. Generally, what ever she is looking at makes its way into the sentence she is saying, and then she gets frustrated that no one can understand her. This keeps her from sleeping a lot, although she has gotten some in the last few days. Spasms too get worse at night and will keep her up for a number of hours. She has had a resurgence of some of the pain, but overall it is still better than it was before. I’ll be interested to see how this next week goes. It has been 18 days now since Kari became confused. She is so fragile mentally that much of her time is spent just managing stimuli and trying to keep her relaxed. I’m not sure what the plan is this week as far as therapy or medications. Although she got up in her chair today, she did not get up for therapy except for Monday last week.

My brother Rick and his wife Desiree were here this weekend, and we got to go to the mountains Friday because Dustin (Kari’s brother) was out here for a day too. Pictures should be coming soon. Still feeling like we’re never going to get out of here, but at least we’ll get to see some beautiful winter scenery! Monday makes it 3 months since the accident.

Aaron.

Quick Responses

2005-10-14T22:13:00.000-07:00

Just some quick responses to questions and comments:

1) What do the doctors say about Kari's mental condition? They are concerned, but they don't seem to be terribly alarmed. It's hard to say that this is "normal," but it seems they've dealt with similar situations many times before. Her condition seems caused by many things, including sleep deprivation, continual pain, the effects of medicines, etc. There is a psychologist on the team treating her. They all seem to think she'll come out of this sooner or later.

2) Date of release? This has been put back from Nov. 18th to some time in early December.

3) "Crazy"? A strong response to the use of this word. Let me try to make it clear that no one is making this a "diagnosis" in any way whatever--which is why I put the word and phrase in quotation marks. The words are Kari's, and to her question, "Do you think I'm going crazy?" which she has asked more than once, the doctors have responded "no" pretty emphatically--which is why I put their "NO's" in capital letters--twice. If she ever did get moved to the psychiatric floor, that might SEEM like an acknowledgement of "going crazy" (in quotes!), and might feel like this to Kari. That wouldn't be the case either, though you can see how it might seem that way to her--or to anybody--in her situation. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear about this. Take Kari's use of the word as an index of how deeply she fears what's happening to her. Of all the things that are out of her control right now--including moving her hands and legs, scratching her face, feeding herself, sitting up or lying down, and about a thousand other things--feeling out of control of her mind, feeling like she's "going crazy," might be the deepest fear of all, a fear against which any explanation, medical or otherwise, just feels weak 99% of the time. We all hope that by the time anyone reads this, she might have gotten through this phase of her rehab journey. That can't come too quickly for anyone concerned.

--Richard R. Guzman

Remembering and forgetting

2005-10-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

My fifth trip to Denver was October 1 to 6, and it was by far the scariest of them. The enormous shock and heartbreak of the first trips gave way this time to what Aaron has been describing about Kari's mental state. As extreme as her physical condition was in the first weeks following the accident, I remember Aaron saying that Kari was still Kari, and there was tremendous joy in that. Now many times she isn't herself, and that mind teetering on the brink of self and not-self has been truly frightening. Even the advances take on such ambivalence. For example, one night I was scratching her nose and forehead and said that I believed pretty soon she'd be doing that herself--that is, bringing her arm up and being able to rub her face against her wrist. Sure enough, that very afternoon in therapy she brought her left arm close to her mouth twice, and her right arm to it over and over. One of her therapists, Amanda, cried. But during the next several nights that ability to bring her hand up to her mouth also meant that in her mental state she could bite herself, and she tried several times to do that and we had to snatch her hand away from her face. If someone had not been with her every minute, the nurses and techs said, they would have had to transfer her to the psychiatric ward. That's how close we have come to an institutional acknowledgement that she's "gone crazy." She's asked the doctors, "Do you think I'm crazy?" Each time they have said a big NO. They see her a few minutes a day, however, and while we take some comfort in their emphatic NO's, those of us who have sat for hours and hours have felt great fear. "ICU psychosis," "Sleep deprivation psychosis," "Medicine induced psychosis"--the concepts help, but sometimes not much. I still believe strongly that she and Aaron are going to be OK, but that belief went through earthquake-like shaking this last time. You had to keep saying to yourself, "It's a stage she'll come out" even as you were pulling her arm away from her teeth the n-th time that night.

One morning, after a very bad night, it was plain she thought she was back in 1999, especially when she referred to her "boyfriend" Aaron. When I said she'd married him, she denied it again and again until she caught sight of the anniversary poster Aaron had made. "How long have we been married?" she asked. "Three years," I said. And suddenly she settled down. "I remember," she said. I left the room to get a drink, thinking she was OK, but she was already slipping back out of reality and didn't recognize Aaron when he came in a few minutes later. "I don't know who he is," she said to her Mom, "but he's sure good looking!" You can't help but crack up at some of her sayings. There are still moments of humor, and one reason she loves Aaron so much is that he makes her laugh so much. When she moved to her new room, I brought in a huge, white garbage bag to put her stuff in, and later that day Aaron had poked holes in it, thrown it over his head and was going around the floor making ghost sounds. "You're such a dork, Aaron," Kari said, but it was one of the moments of joy we all had during my six days there. I should say, though, that having Jan Yessa around is a mini riot in itself. Our stays overlapped, and I realized how much our family is forever indebted to her for her deep love and care of Kari and Aaron.

Those moments of laughter, the moments when there's a small physical advance do light up the pervading gloom we have felt pressing around us lately. We have to grab hold of them, and laugh and cry over them, and rejoice. But as I talked to Aaron I realized again that sometimes when we make too much out of these things it sometimes feels like we're forgetting how--minute by minute, hour by hour--this whole ordeal is just so hard and awful, and for hours and hours that's all there is. It is truly a dark night of the soul. We laugh at her saying, "I don't know who he is, but he's sure good looking," and forget how terrifying it is for a loved one to look at you and not know who you are--this after a whole night, hour after hour, of her being in pain and, scariest of all, out of her mind. Please stay with these two in this, their darkest hour. It is so dark that sometimes even telling them they'll be OK doesn't help, but seems to hurt.

Even when she's "in" her mind it's been very hard. "She's been getting a lot off her chest," her Mom said to me one midnight when I came on to take my shift. All the fears and anxieties caused by the accident have seemed to revive every fear, every anxiety, every hurt she's ever had--something completely understandable. I noticed that not all her arm spasms seemed totally involuntary. It seemed that at least half of them came on at the same time another fear came up, another anxiety attacked her. (The new meds she started on the day before I left were supposed to help her mind "rest" more.) One night we were talking about the verses she did her masters thesis on in Isaiah 43 when I said, "Kari, do you know the verses at the end of the chapter?" So many are about forgetting the former things, and about God blotting out our transgressions "for mine own sake," as it says in verse 25. I told her the story, out of Poland, about the archbishop who called in a man who'd been causing trouble because he'd been speaking to God. He wanted proof, so he asked the man to ask God the next time they talked what his (the archbishop's) principle sin was. The next time they met the archbishop said, "Have you been talking to God?" "Yes," the man replied. "And did you ask him about my principle sin?" "Yes, indeed." "And what did God say?" The man replied, "God said he'd forgotten." Of all God's miraculous powers, the power to forget transgressions completely must be among the greatest. It's a power rarely possessed by any human being.

On the other hand, there's things we forget but need to remember. One night her pain was so intense that she was screaming, "It's evil. This evil is going to kill me. Go away evil." We prayed for her. She gritted her teeth and got so tensed-up fighting off the evil she felt that I thought it was only making everything worse. "Here's another way to think about it, Kari," I said. "When evil comes around, don't fight it so hard. You don't have to. Remember, Jesus has already defeated it. The pain will hurt you, but evil can't." Her eyes shot open, and I think she would have bolted straight up if she could have. "You're right. I've told people that myself. I remember now." She relaxed. What to remember. What to forget. What a hard and ever-changing task that is. When you are also going in and out of your own mind, it must be nearly impossible.

--Richard R. Guzman

Update 10/12

2005-10-12T23:18:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

Kari slept through a lot of the day on Saturday and got up around 6:00pm to eat dinner and visit with our friends from Brookside that had driven out for the weekend.  She knew who everybody was, but couldn’t really make much sense when she talked.  She slept about half the night, and on Sunday Kari got up for a few hours around lunch but was a little more “out of it.”  That evening though, she got her first full night of sleep that I can remember since coming to Craig and we thought that the new medicine that she took was doing its job and allowing Kari to rest.  Monday during the day though, she started to get a little paranoid because she was mixing up what she saw on TV and her pictures on the wall with real life.  Since Monday morning, she’s been even more out of it and has had more trouble sleeping.  About the only thing she can do is recognize who people are, although she goes in and out of knowing where she is and almost never is able to speak clearly.  Kari also hasn’t been out of bed since Monday afternoon except for the shower that she got yesterday.  She didn’t sleep Monday or Tuesday night, although she slept for a few hours here and there during the day.  Today, she’s gotten about 3 hours of sleep, on and off, but she is awake now and panicking.  She knows who everybody is, but has almost no ability to make coherent sentences.  I guess she’s actually been a little better today than yesterday, but still not good.  Her spasms seem fine during the day, but last night were particularly frequent (from every 20 sec. to about every 5 min) and she has started to get some tonight.  I can’t understand why she feels like she absolutely needs to say what she’s saying, and when no one can understand her, she gets upset.  Sometimes the best thing to do is just let her scream or babble because if I try to interpret what she’s saying it just gets worse.  It worries me that she is still so far away from being normal, but Dr. Balazy seems not to be too worried and says that this is not an abnormal reaction to the types of medicine that she’s on.  I don’t think he ever sees her at her worst though, but even when I do explain it too him he seems to be okay with her condition.  As of yesterday, he’s started to back her off some of the more sedating medications she has and he expects her clear up in a few days.  It’s very hard to believe what anyone says at this point, but I hope he’s right.  As for how he thinks she got like this in the first place, check out the middle paragraph on the posting titled “Update 10/01 (12:00pm).”  Anyways, the one good thing that has come out of this is that her shoulders and neck have seemed to loosen.  PT and OT report her having much better range of motion and much less pain, so I’m glad about that—I just hope that soon she’ll have her mind in good order and not be in excruciating pain.  I don’t know which one is worse than the other—they both stink and are both the most frustrating and maddening things I have ever dealt with.

The doctors have pushed back our expected return time to the first week of December.  It doesn’t surprise me, though.  I looked back on my blog posts and realized that there really hasn’t been a time since we got here that Kari has felt good.  After reading through the blog entries, I realized that we’ve been writing about Kari having pain in her shoulders for over 2 months and fevers, intense stomach pain, and nausea along the way too.  Just after Kari got here, she got a blood clot.  Then it was stomach pain and fevers from infections along with increased anxiety and shoulder pain.  Just as she was “turning the corner” on her infections, her shoulder pain got even worse, and then even worse again.  Finally, it was just too much for her and it’s been two weeks now since she slipped out of reality.  Its ridiculous if you look at the number of times in the blog that it says “it looks like Kari coming out of…..” or “Kari seems to be doing better now” or “Hopefully the next few days will be good” or something like that.  It feels like we’ll never get out of here or even over to the East side of the hospital.  Thanks for all your support and prayers though—at least we know we’re not alone.

P.S.  If you’ve sent an email through the website to weloveyoukari@msn.com, we probably haven’t read it yet because Kari hasn’t felt well enough to read since about the middle of September.  I promise we’ll get to them though, so keep writing.  If you need to contact me about something, send it to my personal address.  Also, you will soon be able to order bracelets through the website or get them from Brookside Free Methodist Church in Redlands, CA or St. Charles Free Methodist Church in St. Charles, IL.  Details in about a week or so.  If you are connected to the middle school bands in Riverside, you’ll be able to get them at the Band Extravaganza event on Wed. 10/19, provided that the bracelets arrive on time.

Update 10/7 (TGIF)

2005-10-08T03:26:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

I was so afraid to come to the hospital this morning.  Kari’s condition was so bad last night and I could hear her screams in my head as I walked over from the apartments that I dreaded stepping on to her floor.  When I walked in, though, I found her alert as they were getting her up into her wheelchair for the day.  Kari’s mom, who is spending nights with her, said she finally went to sleep around 6:30 for a few hours and then ate breakfast.  Brea, her tech (check out the “meet the Craig Hospital staff” link on the website) wrote down Kari’s quote of the day that she said when she woke up:  “I remember everything I forget.”  Kari said that she remembers being crazy last night, although not all the details.  She explained some of the things she was trying to say to us, but just couldn’t put into words—amazing because to us she had no Idea what was going on.

After the worst night ever, we probably had the best day ever.  Kari got up in her chair around 10:30 and stayed up for 9 hours, a new record for her.  She had a good PT and OT session, ate a full lunch, and then we went to see Randy Snow, the first Paralympian inducted into the Olympic Hall of Fame, speak in the gym at Craig.  Kari was still really groggy, but enjoyed hearing him and seeing a very successful businessman, athlete and speaker who is paralyzed. (Although he’s not a quad.)  After that we went outside where they had refreshments and sat by the small pond near the back patio.  We went back inside around 3:00, but Kari was still feeling good, so we got permission from the nurse to go off campus.  It was the first time we’d been off the hospital grounds without the whole crew of nurses and techs that they take on the outings.  We went up to the top of the parking garage across the street, where there is a great view of the mountains and lots of room for Kari to practice driving.  Without anything to be afraid of running into, Kari drove pretty fast and got some more confidence in her chair.  I got some video clips of it too, which we’ll try to put on the website soon.  After hanging out in the sun up there, we drove over to Swedish hospital to visit some of Kari’s old nurses from the Critical Care Unit where she was from July 17th – 29th.  The only one of her nurses that was there was Melissa, so I showed her her old room and the waiting area where our families lives basically stopped for two weeks.  I showed her the couch on which we took naps and th corner where we stashed all our food and stuff.  As I took her past some of the rooms, she was wowed at the amount of tubes and machines hooked up to the patients, and I explained to her that she used to look like that.  It’s been a road much harder than I could have imagined, but we’ve come a long way.

We went back through the tunnel to Craig, got dinner in the downstairs cafeteria and brought it back to our room.  She kept forgetting to chew her food because she was so drugged up, but she ate a ton.  Afterwards, we went to get some more food at a going away party for a patient on the east side, and Kari saw a baby there with whom she was completely enthralled.  Now that Kari’s on so much medication, she basically says whatever she wants, and she was making faces and gestures to the baby for about 5 minutes.  In fact, the whole day, she kept spacing out, but she wasn’t panicking, so the medication seems to be slowing down her mind a bit, which is what we were hoping for.  After a full day, she had her shower and went to bed.  After not having spasms or needing pain medication all day, she started again when she laid down, but after about an hour of it, she went to sleep until about 2 am.  (I went back to my room to get something, fell asleep and then woke up a little bit ago, which is why I’m doing this post in the middle of the night.)  Since 2am, Kari has been waking up every 5-10 minutes or so and having spasms, but not as violent as last night.  If last night hadn’t happened, I’d probably be pretty worried right now because she’s very confused and is talking nonsense again. I know, however, that she’ll come out of it, but it still hurts to see her like this.  Hopefully she’ll get in another long period of sleep before morning and we can finally get her on a day night sleep schedule.  Thanks for keeping up with us.  I saw a ton of comments and got a few phone calls today and I know that a lot of prayers were offered up for Kari today.  Seeing how well she did restores my faith a lot—I was getting so discouraged.  Thank you for contending for her and for me.

Update 10/6

2005-10-06T23:25:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

Well, this is the worst night yet. After having a good morning, Kari ate lunch with us and I took my dad back to the airport. When I got back to the hospital around 2:30 Kari was sleeping. She had done so well with her PT in bed this morning and was totally normal mentally so we were planning on getting her up in her chair for a while. She had much less pain and spasms too. Around 3:00 Kari needed to be turned, so I woke her up (we try to wake her up first so we don’t startle her) to see if she wanted to stay in bed or get up and drive around like we were planning. She was totally incoherent—even more so than before. Usually she at least can somewhat listen to what people are saying and eventually can follow a few instructions, but this time she didn’t even know who she was. She screamed and thrashed around in her bed for about an hour, spasming so violently that she kept hitting herself in the face. Finally, she went to sleep and slept soundly until 7:15. When she woke up she wasn’t any better. For the last four hours, she has been screaming complete nonsense, repeating the last words she heard over and over again, constantly yelling obscenities (which if you know Kari, you know it’s the first time I’ve heard her talk like that) and trying to bite her hand when it flies up to her mouth. It is so frustrating and it gets scary when she wants to shake her head violently back and forth. We know that if she would try to relax and do the kind of breathing that my dad had worked with her that the spasms would decrease, but she is not able to make sense of anything that we say. She just holds her breath for a few seconds and then lets out a loud scream and thrashes around. This is the worst and most “gone” she’s been-even worse that the first night this all started. Her whole body just trembles, and even when she doses off for a minute or two, her face is all contorted like she’s crying out in pain.

I feel like I should add a closing paragraph here where I try to make sense of this all, but to tell you the truth, I don’t think there’s really anything else to write. I just can’t tell you how much I hate this. At this point, I don’t really even care if Kari ever walks or uses her hands again; I just want my wife back and for her not to be in pain. It makes me so angry and frustrated that Kari won’t listen to me or her mother (who’s here with me now), and I can’t figure out why she would want to hurt herself. It’s like I’m watching her stab herself with a knife and she refuses to stop. We’re trying just letting her go right now because nothing that we say or do has any effect on her. She refuses to even drink any water and just bites on the straw. Pray for me too. I’d choose just about anything else in the world than to watch Kari go through this.

Aaron.

Update 10/5

2005-10-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

Some more ups and downs the last few days. Monday and Tuesday were basically good days. Kari got up and went around in her wheelchair to therapy and to eat, which was more than we were expecting after the weekend. She was coherent and able to speak most of the time and only mixed up her words when she got really tired. The big problem is that she did not sleep very much the last 7 days. She got as little as none, and as much as 3-4 hours a night broken up into hour or hour and a half intervals. She is so exhausted that she can’t stay awake, but so wired from all the medication and full of anxiety and worrying that she cannot sleep. Yesterday, she tried to drive her wheelchair back into the room and she messed up and rammed into the door. With the breath control wheelchairs, they keep moving until you give them the stop command, so the chair’s front wheels lifted up into the air as it kept pushing into the door. When I put the chair in reverse, it slammed down onto the ground and Kari’s head (not in the collar at the time) bounced forward and back pretty hard. We don’t think she hurt herself at all, but it gave her a pretty good scare, and they took x-rays this afternoon to make sure there was no damage done. This morning, though we had another scare. When I walked in, Kari had just woken up and she did not recognize me again. I can’t tell you how scary that is. I was leaning over her bed trying to talk to her and she turned to her mom and said “I don’t know who that man is, but he sure is handsome.” I showed her pictures of her and I and she asked me who the girl in the picture was and said that the boy looked like me. After getting out the mirror, and talking with her for about a half hour, she eventually came to and was normal again.

She has still been having a great deal of pain from all the spasms. I’m not sure if they are getting any better, but her muscle tightness seems a bit less. Even though she slept through it, she was able to move around in therapy a little on Monday and Tuesday. Today she was doing a bit worse and we had to cancel her appointment with the technology clinic and other therapists. Based on the fact that she still can’t go to sleep, even with the heavy doses of pain medication and muscle relaxers, the doctors have decided to try a new drug, Risperdal. Kari mind hasn’t really allowed her to sleep because she can’t stop thinking about things. She will be almost asleep and then will pop her eyes open and start talking about some random thing that pops into her head. Risperdal works by blocking chemicals in the brain that help us think fast. The hope is that will allow her to get some good sleep and break the cycle of pain, anxiety, panic, and restlessness. They expect her to come out of it by next week. Anyways, Kari has been asleep the last 4 hours, but she is awake now because she had to be turned. Hopefully, she’ll go back to sleep for the rest of the night. Anyways, I’m going to go to bed. I can’t wait to come home.

Shalom.

Aaron.

One Mind

2005-10-03T03:20:00.000-07:00

Early Saturday morning I took off in the van that
was donated to Kari and Aaron. (More about the
vehicle later!). I arrived late in the evening. "I
love you. You've come here so much," she said when I
walked into her room. She remembered that Linda
couldn't come because when the accident happened she
had taken an incomplete in the last class she needed
to finish her degree, but now was up against the
deadline to make up the work. She asked about Daniel
and Bryan and a few more things. Aaron wanted to see
the van, and as we walked out to it he said that that
was the longest, most coherent conversation Kari had
had in three days. He and Jan Yessa were both
exhausted, so I am glad to be able to stay the night
tonight so they can both get some rest.
Kari still struggles to find some words, and gets
things mixed up now and then (and now and then it's
funny and we all laugh at it!), but she is doing so
much better these last few hours. She worries about
doubting God and not being good enough and that makes
everything harder on her. Hopefully, she'll work
through these things as we talk to her and tell her
she's OK--all of her, even her doubts.
The pain in her arms, especially the right one,
continues and is sometimes so intense that she has to
bite down on a towel. Yet I noticed that when her arm
went into a spasm she wanted people to hold it down
really hard. We're trying something new, and it seems
to be a little better. When the arm spasms, I've
tried to tell her to let it go, not fight it, and
breathe with me deeply in rhythm. Fighting it, the
intense pain would last 30-45 seconds, but going with
it seems for now to have reduced the time to 10-15
seconds. "It's like Lamaze, Kari," I said. She asked
a nurse who was standing by, "Have you ever had a
baby?" "Yes, dear," the nurse replied. "Does it hurt
as bad as this?" "I don't know, I've never had arm
spasms, but I think probably having a baby is more
painful." So I'm thinking that if Lamaze can help
with that, it can help with this.
Very early on, I remember how she fought so hard
against the ventilator and the tubes--so hard that
they had to put blocks in her mouth and her brother
Dustin had to get pretty severe with her. It's a
theme we come back to again and again: letting go, not
fighting things, relaxing. So much, much easier said
than done, of course, but we can all see the truth in
it. The physical pain is still there and very
intense, but not quite as much if we can let go more
(again, easier said than done). Sometimes we can even
cut the severity by half or two-thirds. Spiritually
we have to let go of feeling we're not good enough,
feeling that our doubts are things we can't have.
Worry, too. Sometimes when Kari is only on the edge
of coherence she's kind of free to say anything that
pops into her head. "You have such a deep line in
your forehead," she said to me last night. "Now Kari,
let's not focus on Dad's forehead so much," Aaron
said. "But it's so deep," Kari continued. "Richard,
how did it get so deep." "Worry," I said. "In fact,
I've had it since I was a little kid." I have, too,
and these days when I see it in a mirror it's become,
ironically, a sign which helps me worry less--though I
still do plenty of it.
When you pray for Kari please pray that she can
relax and let go, physically and spiritually. Imagine
peace and sleep and laying down of worries and other
burdens. Feel these things flowing through her mind
and body: relaxation, letting go. But as I write to
ask you to pray and imagine this for Kari I feel even
more strongly that we feel all this for ourselves too.
We are one mind and one body and one spirit, and
tonight this means to me that we can all pray for and
feel this peace and relaxation and letting go as one
people, all of us praying and thinking one set of
thoughts. What Kari is going through has made me feel
how much we need peace and rest and letting go both as
individuals and in what we are as one mind, one body,
one spirit together. As often as you think of her,
pray for peace and letting go.

--Richard R. Guzman

Update 10/01 evening

2005-10-01T23:43:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

Well, it’s been a long day, but things are looking better. Kari slept from about 12:00 to 2:00 and then woke up and was doing better. Still not able to talk clearly, and less yelling of the nonsense, but she was still not normal. She ate a small lunch and recognized me. We were able to have a very broken conversation, but the longer she stayed awake, the worse she got. By 4:30 she was yelling and shaking violently again. Jan (whose house we had our wedding reception at and who took us on the “Dead tulip Festival” that is in the pictures section) must have the magic sleepy touch, because after 2 hours of trying to get her to sleep, which was very frustrating, Jan walked in and 20 min. later she was peacefully asleep. I went out to grab dinner and returned around 8:00 to find Kari almost totally normal. Very groggy and still fishing for some words, but definitely “all there” and able to have a normal conversation. She started to wear down around 10:30, slipping back out of reality when she had spasms or pain. It is now 12:30am, and Kari seems to be getting back to sleep. For the last hour she hasn’t made much sense, so it seems pretty obvious to us that what Dr. Balazy said is right and that she basically couldn’t handle things anymore. It’s the body’s way of screaming “get more sleep!!!” at you. She usually does great after long periods of sleep. Anyways, my dad arrived today with the van that was donated to us, and it looks like it will work fine for us. More pictures will be on the website. If you haven’t noticed, the website had a major overhaul which I think looks great. There’s a nice picture on the opening page. Also, if you have time, read about John and Cyndi’s visit. It will give you a better Idea about the day to day activities and has some great pictures on it. Anyways, I’m falling asleep here, so take care and thank you for praying.

Aaron.

Update 10/01 (12:00 pm)

2005-10-01T10:58:00.000-07:00

Hello All-

10:00 am
I wish I had better news.  I actually talked to Kari on the phone around 2:30 yesterday, and she seemed groggy, but she was fairly normal and able to carry on a short conversation.  When I returned to the hospital around 3:30, she was sleeping and I expected that woke up she would be back to normal.  Around 4:30, the techs came in to take her vitals, and she woke up and started panicking again.  Her spasms at that point got worse, and she started screaming and “help me” along with a mix of syllables and sounds that did not make any sense.  She eventually did relax though, and Kari slept through most of the evening last night, from about 7:30pm till 11:00pm.  After that she slept on and off until 6:00am, waking up when they needed to turn her or take her vitals.  Since about 7:00 this morning, Kari has withdrawn even further.  Her spasms are incredibly strong, about as strong as I could clench my arm, and she has started biting down and locking her jaw.  She bit her lip so hard this morning that it bled.  Luckily, Jan Yessa from our old church in St. Charles, IL, was here and she stayed the night with Kari.  I got my first real sleep since Tuesday night.  When I got to the hospital around 9:30, Kari did not totally recognize me.  A few times, she asked me to help her, but she did not respond at all to me speaking to her.  She is becoming very frustrated with her collar and even pushed it off with her jaw.  Technically, she is allowed to have her collar off, but she is shaking her head and neck back and forth so violently that it would be unsafe to leave it off.

As for the plan of attack, Dr. Balazy was in to see her this morning and I spoke with him about half an hour ago.  The plan to use a combination of muscle relaxers, anti-anxiety and anti-spasticity drugs to try to calm her down and get some rest.  If that doesn’t work soon, which it looks like it isn’t, they will try anti-psychotic drugs.  The hope is that by allowing her brain to relax, they can gradually bring her back to normal.  Dr. Balazy said that he expects her to come out of this, but it could be a couple of weeks.  The anti-psychotic drugs have some possible side effects of making it difficult to control her movements.  I asked him how he thought she got like this, and he believes that she simply reached a breaking point on both a physical and emotional level.  The intense pain for the past two weeks and really for the past month has just been too much for her and she has withdrawn from reality.  Having your muscles being continuously contracted never really allows you to get any good sleep.  Combined with not sleeping at all Wednesday night and the increased spasms, it made Kari feel that she had even less control and raised her anxiety.  By Thursday evening, she just couldn’t take it anymore.

12:00 pm
Well, I got interrupted while writing this entry and by now I have a little bit better news.  Kari can now recognize me and at one point was able to name everybody in the room.  She even asked to give everybody a kiss!!  Even though she’s still not all there, she’s still a sweetie.  Anyways, she’s asleep now and looking very peaceful.  I’m hoping and praying that when she wakes up this time it won’t be like yesterday.  She usually gets scared when she gets woken up suddenly, so we’ve told all the nurses and techs to try to wake her up gently.  They usually try to do their thing without waking her up, but if she does wake up, she’ll probably freak our again, so we’ll see how this works.  I know that many of you have been praying, and we need it now more than ever.  Thanks.

Aaron.

Please Pray

2005-09-30T04:45:00.000-07:00

Hello all—

Quick update to the last blog. Kari woke up again around 4:30 and has been yelling out a mix of words and sounds constantly since. Most of what she says doesn’t make sense and most of it is just a mix of syllables, not actual words. The only words that she says consistently are “help me.” The nurse and respiratory therapist came in to check her vitals, which all look good, so they are calling her main doctor to see how we should proceed. Thank you for praying at this time.

It’s about 8:30 now, and Kari is still not able to think or speak clearly. Her hands, feet and shoulder are also swollen. Vital signs look good, but she is still yelling out words and syllables every few minutes.

Aaron.

Update 9/29

2005-09-30T01:39:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

I was just talking with my friend Nathan on the phone before I started writing this and when I told him that I was (finally) going to do another blog update, he joked that I would have to start it by writing “I apologize that I haven’t done an update in a while, but…”  So………I apologize that I haven’t done an update in a while, and I know that this one will be lengthy, but it’s been a really tough week.  I’ll start with the good news though.  Our outing on Friday went well, and Kari got her first opportunity to drive around in a public place.  The movie theater we went to was in a mall, and she did the ramps and elevators by herself most of the time.  It was very scary for her at times, but we made it.  She had a pretty good crash today though, when she accidentally blew into her straw instead of inhaling and she accelerated into a wall in the hallway.  Her toes didn’t seem to be hurt, but it scared her a bit.  Overall though, she’s getting pretty good at driving.  She’s using her emergency kill switch less and can go faster through tight spaces.  She even drove outside down a curvy ramp and around a fountain.  I’ll be putting up a few video clips of Kari driving on the website soon and also a bunch of pictures that I’ve taken of all the people that work with Kari at Craig.  This past weekend was also a lot of fun with Kari’s brother and sister out here.  John and Cyndi and I took a powerchair out for some test driving (a little off-roading too!) and Dustin and his kids all got a chance to see what it was like too.  Kids are so adaptable to these kinds of situations.  Colton, Sierra, and Savannah took everything in stride and thought the powerchairs were way cool (which they are!)  Health wise, Kari’s condition looks good and Kari is allowed to take her collar off most of the time now.  In PT and OT, Kari has shown a lot of determination when she is able to stay awake with all the medicine she is taking.  We also ordered her wheelchair today, which looks like it will be totally covered by insurance.

Like I said, though, it’s been a rough week; well, really the last two weeks have been bad—probably the hardest for me and the most painful for Kari since the accident.  Since the last update, Kari’s has been in constant pain.  Her medications work sometimes for an hour or two, taking the edge off and making it bearable for her, but then attacks of pain come on so quick and strong that they overwhelm her.  Her spasms in her arms, neck and jaw are also getting much worse.  When I put my hand on her neck, her muscles are so tight that they feel like bones.  Spasms can come on so strong that it is difficult for me to hold her arms down if I don’t have a good grip or position.  Dr. Balazy has increased her doses of neurontin and baclofen, for nerve pain and spasms respectively, but it hasn’t seemed to help yet.  We’ve heard from some people that when you get the collar off it can lead to increased spasms.  Last night, I stayed at the hospital because her spasms were so bad that she would wake up every 20-30 minutes screaming, most of the time not really making any sense with what she said.  She has needed so much attention too—adjusting her arms, holding her when she spasms, finding her nurses for her pain meds, scratching her face, etc., that I haven’t been able to get a lot of things done and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed.  Right now she has been having intense spasms in her arms for about the last 6 hours.  I went back to the apartments to eat dinner and take a nap because I didn’t sleep much last night, and when I came back (a little before 10:00pm) Kari was delirious.  She’s been crying “help me, please God, help me, Jesus in heaven help me” for the last 3+ hours a few times every minute.  In between, she’s been yelling out various phrases that don’t make any sense.  Usually she just repeats whatever she heard last with “it hurts me” and some other random words.  I can still get her to tell me who she is and who I am and why we’re here in Colorado, but past that, she can’t make coherent sentences.  Its probably the most worried I’ve been.  I know that her medications have a huge effect on her ability to process, and baclofen can make people confused, but she’s been on these drugs for a while and it’s never been this bad.  One of the things that I’ve been able to hold on to for the past 12 weeks is that Kari is still the same person and we’ve been able to spend some good time together, so this is really stressing me out and trying my patience.  Actually while I’ve been writing the last few sentences, Kari has been still-about 5 minutes-which is the longest all night.  If you’re reading this, please pray that Kari’s muscles would relax and for a clear mind for her so she can rest.

One of the other reasons why I haven’t written this week is that I’ve been afraid of what I might write.  I’ve been so angry and frustrated with God that I’ve been tempted to write some bad things, maybe to “get back at him” for not helping Kari when she cries out.  When you are all by yourself in this little hospital room, your mind can race a million miles and hour and sometimes our thoughts have spiraled downward.  Thank God for our friends back in Cali that listened to our frustration and prayed and talked with us the last few ways.  Although we don’t have any more understanding of what is happening or how God’s holiness applies to this situation, we’ve been able to get back to a more truthful image and picture of God in our hearts and minds.  If you know me well enough, you know that I like to ask lots of questions and know how everything works.  I have a thirst for understanding.  God has always “made sense” to me and his plan for salvation and everyday living empowerment I have always appreciated for their beauty.  Not being able to understand God at this time has been the most difficult test for me spiritually.  Right now the words that I lean on are just “I am.”

“I am the LORD and there is no other.” (Isaiah 45.5)

I also wanted to say a few things about the comment I made about Kari and I feeling uncomfortable about being an “inspiration.”  I never meant to make the impression that I didn’t appreciate people saying that.  We do get a sense of greater purpose when we hear people say that this whole thing has caused them to go deeper with their spirituality.  I guess the best way to say things is that we don’t feel that different from anybody else.  We don’t really have any choice but to go forward.  You have to because the other choice is death.  We still get angry, we still get frustrated.  We have had our times of questioning God and wondering if he still cares or if he is even listening.  “It just plain sucks,” Kari told a friend on the phone the other day.  We aren’t really doing anything special—just trying to keep going. What else can you do?  I used to wonder how I’d handle something like this, and weather I’d be able to make it through something really hard.  Now I know I can’t on my own, so we just rely on God, no matter how much it doesn’t make sense.  That’s all anybody could do.

“Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love ceased forever? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" Selah and I say, "It is my grief that the right hand of the Most High has changed." I will call to mind the deeds of the LORD; I will remember your wonders of old. I will meditate on all your work, and muse on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is so great as our God?”  (Psalm 77.7-13)

P.S. Thanks for reading this long entry.  Kari has been asleep and still for an hour and a half.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Update 9/22

2005-09-23T01:31:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

On Tuesday afternoon, one of the nurses suggested to the doctor that Kari try a different kind of narcotic painkiller—a fentanyl patch.  He also upped her doses of neurontin, a medicine for nerve pain and BuSpar, an anti-anxiety drug.  By Wednesday morning, her pain level was down to a 5.  It was the first time in a long time that I had been able to walk into the hospital in the morning and just say hello to Kari without her being in agony from the pain.  We also had our second big meeting with the entire team on Wednesday morning which turned out to be much more enjoyable than I thought.  Everyone was so frustrated with the inability to control Kari’s pain that we were all planning on that being the main focus of the meeting.  Instead it was very encouraging and we were able to focus on all the progress Kari had made:  getting off the vent, being free from infection, getting her appetite back, increasing her time in her wheelchair, and turning the corner on PTSD and anxiety.  Our expected release date is still November 18th.  Kari also got a new wheelchair that she can drive by blowing air into a tube.  It’s pretty cool and a lot less frustrating for Kari than trying to use her arm.  All the functions of the wheel chair can be controlled by how you blow into the tube—they call it “sip n’ puff” here.  They have sip n’ puff cameras, fishing poles, and even guns!! (Well, we won’t be getting a gun, but it’s pretty amazing that they have them.  Although, I’m not sure how safe I feel knowing that they’re out there!)

I wish that were the end of the story, but by 4:00 or so later that day, Kari’s pain had come back and she was basically where she’d been the last few days.  Since then, it doesn’t seem to be as constant, but Kari will have episodes of pain triggered by spasms, bad positioning, or having to be moved that are as bad as any she has had.  She also showed a few signs of having another infection of her GI tract.  Needless to say, this is all very frustrating.  Out of that frustration we both can get angry at God, but somehow, even though my mind doesn’t believe me, I know he’s still there.  I am also getting the sense that there’s something that I need to learn through all of this that I haven’t yet.  Of course to hinge Kari’s healing on learning what we are supposed to learn would be a gross oversimplification, and I’m not really sure what it is that I’m supposed to learn anyways.  Maybe it’s not really learning at all, but the kind of shaping that only happens through experience; a sense of the breadth of experiences that different people have—not so much an understanding, just deepening.  And while I know we have already been changed through all of this, probably for the better, it doesn’t always seem worth it.  Sometimes, too, I feel that understanding and trying to sort this whole thing out isn’t really the point either.  If I could understand it all, that would reveal it to be far too small a thing to be worth all this hardship.  In a way, it’s a lot like how Abraham related to God.  No scripture, official doctrine, churches, inspirational or devotional books, just his people and God.  No real way around the difficult situations, the things that don’t make sense, the things that just plain suck.  The safety net that I’ve always been accustomed to surrounding church and God doesn’t make much sense; here’s to hoping that what God is saying to Kari and I will make sense, in time.

Some other news is that we are going on our second outing tomorrow (Friday) morning to a movie.  Hopefully Kari will be able to make it the whole time without being too uncomfortable.  Also, Kari’s sister Cyndi, her husband John, Kari’s brother Dustin, and his three children Savannah, Sierra, and Colton are all here.  It’s already been a fun time of visiting for both Kari and I.  Also, remember our friend Melissa that I wrote about in the blog about a month ago?  She had another successful surgery and was able to go home from the hospital being able to walk.  The Logan family has been on this rollercoaster since January and I hope and pray that this is the last hill to climb-they definitely need the rest.

P.S.  I just read through this whole entry and I realize that it’s a bit random and not very well organized.  Oh well.  If something doesn’t make sense don’t spend too much time trying to figure it out!

Update 9/19

2005-09-20T00:44:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

I feel like I start every update like this, but I must say a lot has happened since the last time I wrote on Thursday.  For starters, Kari and I went on our first outing on Friday.  It was Kari’s first time in a car since the accident and it turned out to be not as big of a deal for her as she thought.  She was pretty worried about the anxiety and what her reaction would be to being in a motor vehicle, and she was surprised at how easy it was.  We went to a park at Bear Creek with about 15 other people and basically just hung out and had lunch.  There was a lot of space for Kari to practice driving, and she did okay—fine when she wasn’t in as much pain, but she couldn’t do much when she was.  She ended up sleeping through a lot of it, thought because she was on a very high level of pain medicine.  My Uncle Joe came out this weekend too, and it was nice to be able to get out a little with him and go to dinner—definitely a nice break!

The best news to report, though, is that as of this writing, Kari has now been off the ventilator continuously for over 87 hours (since 9:20 Friday morning) and they have removed the machine from her room completely as of Sunday.  It makes transfers and getting ready a lot easier not to have to deal with the portable vent and everything.  The other great part about it is that she wears her “talkie” all the time now and so I don’t have to read her lips anymore.  (Although I did become quite good at it.)  As Kari put it: “I feel human now.”

Even so, it has been hard for us to celebrate this milestone, as Kari’s pain is worsening and the last three days has been unbearable.  The pain medication (oxycodone) that they have been giving her has all but stopped working, and now it even fails to take the edge off the pain.  A few times when doing transfers, Kari’s pain was so high that she simply went into a state of panic—her hair wet from a mixture of sweat and tears.  When nurses come in to give medicine, they usually ask her what her “pain level” is, which is a number Kari gives them from 1, very slight pain, to 10 which is the worst possible pain imaginable.  For the last month her level has never been below 6, for the last few weeks never below 8, and for the last 3 days, never below 9.5—being 10 most of the time.  What her doctor has been saying is that the pain should lessen as she is able to get up and move more, but this week she’s done more of that than ever, and the pain has only gotten worse.  We both feel a bit like we’ve taken a few steps back as far as functionality is concerned (apart from breathing) because even if Kari grits it out through her therapies, all they really do is work on trying to control the pain through things like stretching and massage, both of which are very painful to her.  We are not trying to be ungrateful for her strides with breathing, but as Kari describes it, the pain just “takes over” everything else and is all she can think about.  Equally as frustrating is the fact that Kari cannot tell what position her body is in and often feels like things are pressing, pulling, twisting or being ripped away from her when in reality they are perfectly positioned.  She even feels a fair amount of pain in her legs and other parts of her body that she cannot feel any other sensation.

To be honest with you, I don’t know “what the deal is,” with all this.  Many of the recent emails we’ve read have said that Kari and I have been an “inspiration.”  I’m thankful for the good that we’ve seen come out of this, but frankly I’m a little uncomfortable with that label.  I in no way want to be cynical or ungrateful about what many of you have written—like I said, I am thankful for the good effects that we’ve seen come of this; most thankful (and excited) when I hear people say that this has brought them closer to God.  I guess what I mean is that we don’t always feel that close to God and sometimes wonder if he hears what we say.  Apparently patience is virtue which I still must acquire.  Today we were sent a card which had many passages that contain God’s promises.  While reading them, we knew that they are still true for us, even though the reality in which we’re in doesn’t seem to agree.  Pray for endurance for us, and especially for Kari.  I know that answers for prayer often take both time and a shape different from what we request.  Also pray that God would reveal his presence; knowing how these things usually work, though, it’s actually a matter of us not being able to see him fully—pray that we’d figure out how to open our eyes.

Before I go, I want to thank anyone who’s reading this for keeping up with us.  If you know me well enough, you know that I “talk to think, and writing on the blog gives me a forum in which to sort out the traffic jam in my head.  I usually don’t know what I’m going to write when I start, and even from the beginning of writing this to now, I feel God helping me sort this out.  Right now I am being reminded of the great hymn “Open my eyes, Lord.”  Many of you have said that it helps you know how to pray.  I think it helps me too.

Aaron.

P.S.  Now that its 1:40, that makes it 88hrs and 20min off the vent (

Update from Aaron 9/15

2005-09-15T02:42:00.000-07:00

Hello All—

Since my last update, Kari has been doing a lot of weaning off the ventilator.  I think I last reported that on Saturday, Kari had done 7hrs 20min off the vent.  On Sunday, she did 8, Monday, 8 ½, Tuesday 10 ½ and today she did 14 ½.  It was only 9 days ago that she went for an hour and 15min, was completely worn out and begging to be put on the ventilator; today she told me that she feels like she can breathe better without the vent and she has to get used to going back on it.  Tomorrow (actually today now) she is supposed to do 18-20 hrs, and then go for 24 on Friday.  If she does 24 okay, they’ll extend it to 48 hrs. Immediately—meaning that by Sunday she could be off the vent.  She has also been able to stay up in her chair 4-7 hours each day.

I am so proud of how she’s doing, especially since through all the forward progress with the breathing, her shoulder and neck pain has been almost debilitating.  She is in basically constant and extreme pain now, which makes her shake, takes a lot of the strength out of her voice, and zaps her energy.  When they are able to get her pain down, the heavy narcotics she is on usually knock her out pretty good.  She hasn’t really been able to drive this whole week because it is too painful to extend her arm.  The pain is caused by the overworking of her shoulder and bicep muscles which also inflames her tendons.  Because the only muscles in her arms that work are her biceps, they tend to stay contracted, which, if you could imagine continuously flexing a muscle for hour upon hour, you can imagine leads to a lot of pain and inflammation.  Also, her neck has been in a brace for almost two months now, so the muscles affected have become very hard and stiff from lack of movement.  It is sort of a vicious cycle: less movement leads to more pain which leads to less movement.  The good news, though, is that the reverse should be true too, and I have seen more of Kari’s old self—strength, determination, and desire to reverse this cycle and get moving more comfortably.  I have been so proud of my wife with how she has worked so hard this week and has still been graceful in handling her pain.  When her parents left on Tuesday, she cried to them, “I’ll try to get better,” and I could visibly see how much it pained her to see them hurting.  “I’m sad because it just broke their hearts,” she later told me.

On the spiritual side of things, we’ve noticed a few trends in a lot of the emails that we’ve been getting.  First, there seems to be a large number of children that seem moved to pray for Kari.  We get emails almost daily in which the person writing it tells us that at bedtime or meals their child asks if they can pray for Kari.  Second, a lot of people have been telling us of a sense, message, or word from God that they have gotten regarding us.  All these messages have a very similar theme, and more specifically the same exact word being used all the time.  I don’t want to say what it is, because I want the holy spirit to lead you in your own prayer, but the same words and sense that my father had from the very beginning are the same that keep coming up.  Kari today told me that she has always felt this way too, and although I did not use that one word to describe it right away, it was also the overwhelming sense that I had that first 20 minutes waiting under the car for paramedics to arrive.  As for the fear thing, we had a great prayer time with friends of ours from Cali tonight that dealt with some specifics of spiritual oppression.
Kari and I have accountability partnerships with this couple, and we were able to pray through the cell phone.  What was really great was that Kari could talk, so our conversation was able to go deeper than would have otherwise been possible.

Lastly, in the days right after the accident, Kari told us that she saw angels under the car with us.  At first we assumed that they were there to protect us, but as Kari was able to communicate more in the days to come, she explained to me that they were angles that appeared as children to take her home to God—but that she told them to go away so she could stay here with me.  This week, Kari has seemed more herself, with the same spirit that I have always known her to have.  And even though it hurts me to see her in pain, I am thankful more than ever that we can do this together.

May the grace of God be with you in abundance.

Aaron.

¿Que Paso?

2005-09-11T14:18:00.000-07:00

Hello all—

Yesterday was probably Kari’s most successful day at Craig yet.  Although she still had a lot of shoulder pain, she was able to wean for 7hrs and 20min and was also in her wheelchair for over 6 hrs.  This was both her longest wean and the longest she has ever been able to stay up.  It seems that she’s really turned the corner with her stomach pain and infections too.  Her secretions are less, and she only needed suctioning about every hour, down from about every 20-30 minutes the last 3-4 weeks.  She is now done with the antibiotics for her lung infection, and has a few more days to go on the ones for her stomach.

We also went outside and drove around the patios at Craig.  Kari couldn’t drive herself because the OT made some bad adjustments to her wheelchair, but hopefully we’ll be able to get it right tomorrow.  It was nice to be outside again—we went and saw a little fish pond (that was very dirty) and saw a turtle too.  It’s always hard to go do stuff, though, as it reminds us of how different life will be.  Lying down in the hospital feels temporary, like you’re going to get better, but being out and about is more of a glimpse of reality.  Still, though, I was thankful for what we were able to do.

Last night, Kari and I also talked a little about the accident.  It was by far the most she’d been able to talk about it since she’s really been conscious.  It still made her panic, but as we talked more, she seemed to be able to handle it.  We went back and read through all the emails that were sent to her in the days following the accident. She was still on all the different church groups’ mailing lists, so she got all the emails that were basically updates on her condition and what had happened.  It was good to go back and read them.  It allowed us to see how much she has improved over time and how right after the accident what our immediate concerns were and how many of them have already been taken care of.  The major requests (other than miraculous healing) that were circling around on the email chains were that Kari would be able to breathe on her own someday, that the insurance would come through for us, that we’d find a good rehab place and that my work would let me stay with her during that time, and that people would keep praying for us and remember us for a long time.  It seems that all those things have happened.  Kari’s website has over 18,000 hits at the moment, and even though it’s slowed down a bit, we still get about 200 hits a day and around 5-10 emails.  Knowing that makes us feel more comfortable about the long term stuff.  Still, I hope that Kari will be physically healed; I can’t imagine anything better than that.

Aaron.

***Remember NYC, DC, #93***

Update from Aaron 9/8. 9/9

2005-09-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

Hello All--

I ended up writing this posting over a few days because for some reason the blog wasn’t allowing me to post.

9/8 – 2:00 A.M.
Last night, Kari suddenly started feeling incredibly sleepy and couldn't stay awake.  She was acting like she was on sedation and seemed a bit delirious, but none of her medications had been changed.  Even though her numbers all looked good, she was complaining continuously of not being able to breathe or get enough air.  This lasted for about 24 hours as Kari slept through most of the day, never really waking up nor eating anything, and not being able to keep her eyes open for more than a minute or so.  I was actually getting pretty worried as Kari just didn't seem like herself.  The doctors figured it was all due to anxiety, because there was no other explanation for it.  Her therapy, driving around in her chair, and doing transfers and weight shifts all give Kari a lot of anxiety, but last night and all day today Kari seemed to be completely overwhelmed.  I also wanted to ask you all to pray against fear.  Kari tends to worry a bit, but nothing like she has been, and even the doctors have noticed a change in her over the past 2-3 weeks, primarily since her blood clot.  There is definitely a lot to worry about for her, but pray specifically against the fear of failing.  "What if I can't..." or "What if I don't..." seem to be common phrases for Kari.  Its not that Kari isn’t relying on God, but sometimes her fear can hold her back.  Again, it’s definitely understandable to be afraid when you have very little control of your own body, and relying on God for physical things can be a lot harder than relying on him for spiritual or emotional things.  It can be hard for anybody to break away from seeking approval through performance, and when there’s not a lot you can do…well, you get the point.  Still, though, I am happy to report that all the emails and letters, donations, visits.....and everything else people are doing gives Kari and me a great boost of confidence.

9/8 –10:00 P.M.
Well, after writing all that, I must say that today was a much better day.  It seems that God is already answering my prayers.  (God moves faster than the internet!)
Kari drove herself all the way outside and generally looked good today.  Pray as always for strength and endurance for her as a few hours of therapy knocks her out pretty good.  Kari also had her trachea tube changed to a smaller size today, which will make it easier for her to talk when she weans from the ventilator.

One more nice piece of news: It seems that someone from the Chicago area is going to donate to us a minivan that is already wheelchair accessible.  It’s older, but it doesn't have very many miles, and even if it isn't something we'll keep forever, it will be great to have one right away.  Modifications can take months to complete.  Well, I thank all of you again for keeping up with and praying for us--this would be impossible alone.

9/9 –6:00 P.M
Kari weaned for five hours today, which is her longest wean in almost a month and double her longest since she got her blood clot and infections about 3 weeks ago.  The respiratory people were very happy.  She also was able to speak with her “talkie” valve for most of the time.  She seemed to be doing amazingly well when she got nauseated suddenly which kept her from going on a little outing with her OT to an ice cream shop.  The shoulder pain and nausea seem to come in waves very suddenly which pretty much puts her back in bed.  She was a bit bummed, but still happy for feeling alright for 3 straight hours—more than she has in a long time.  Kari’s parents and aunt are here, and she has really enjoyed being with them too.  Hopefully Kari will feel well enough this weekend to go outside and just practice getting around in her chair.  Thanks for keeping up with us.  It always cheers Kari up to read your emails! (weloveyoukari@msn.com)

Aaron.

P.S.  I think most of you "got it," but the poem was just me trying to sort out the juxtaposition of the incredible blessings we've received along with the deep sadness.

A few thoughts on a late night.

2005-09-06T02:35:00.000-07:00

I actually wrote this a few weeks ago...not really sure why I feel compelled to share it now, but here it is.

THE TWO FRIENDS

Nobody told me that you two were friends,
Or even that you know each other.
I don’t think that I’ve even
ever seen you both together.

One of you rips, and tears,
and gnaws at my flesh.
You cover my eyes, and heat my breath.
You come in without warning,
and take without asking.

All the while the other is watching
and waiting to catch my eye.
Wanting to show me the beauty of her face
and the depth of his grace.

Do you have come together?
Not one without the other?
Because I’d only invite one of you
if I could.

Better yet, just leave me alone,
and leave me to my simple life.
We were doing just fine
without or your company, your curse, your blessing.

I’ll admit that I don’t know
what you talk about when I’m not there,
or why on many of the gifts I’ve gotten
are written both of your names.
It can’t be that you serve the same master
or that to know one you must know the other.

Isn’t it funny how this dance is danced?
and how his banquet is served.
For my master has prepared for me one of his many rooms,
satisfied my hunger, and quenched my thirst.

And though I have been made anew,
I still beg for the scraps that fall from his table.

Maybe one of you knows the answer to the question:
What is easier for the Son of Man to do?
To say “Your sins are forgiven.”
or “Take up your bed and walk.”

What’s easier isn’t always as important,
or necessary I guess,
But still it’s easier,
than having both of you around.

Aaron.

A few things....

2005-09-03T23:57:00.000-07:00

Hello all--

Kari and I read through some great emails and letters today--thanks for all the encouragement and words of sympathy and wisdom. I think there are some people out there that know about the website, but don't know to check here for updates and news. If people ask you about us, let them know that this is the best place to get news--it really helps us to know that so many of you are following right along with us. (I'll try to keep y'all interested and informed.)

Also, please keep praying extra hard for our friend Melissa and her family who I wrote about in the blog not too long ago. She is back in the hospital and has had some more setbacks and pain. They are hoping to do a somewhat risky surgery, so pray that God protects her body and then restores it.

I'm missing you all--say hi to those that know us when you see them.

Aaron.

9/2 Update from Aaron

2005-09-02T23:24:00.000-07:00

Hello All--

Well the Kards for Kari thing was fun for us.  One day we got 35 cards, which was well over half of all the mail for the floor!  I think we had 75 overall for the week, plus we'll probably get a few more tomorrow.  I think it was as much fun to just look and admire our huge stack of mail as it was to read them.  Yesterday I got made fun of by Kari’s therapists because so many of the cards had glitter (some in excessive amounts) that it got all over my clothes.  I told them that glitter is cool in Cali (.  I must admit though, that after reading a combination of about 1000 cards, emails and letters that “message fatigue” can set in from time to time, but Kari has never tired of reading them and they still bring her (and me too) just as much encouragement as they did a month and a half ago.

Kari was able to get up and do as much therapy as she has been since she got here.  She drove around a little and also did a 2 1/2 hour wean off the ventilator during both PT and OT.  Even so, the pain in her shoulders was still extreme and she felt dizzy being up and about so much.  I was very proud of the way she sort of powered through her activities today and pushed herself to get through a full 3 hours in her wheelchair.  Her breathing numbers looked good too.  Overall, the pain in her stomach was less today, although yesterday was very bad so we'll see if they've really got it under control or if it was just a good day.  It seems that we are back on track even if she's not feeling all that great.  Hopefully the long weekend will be a good time to rest, but pray that she doesn't tighten up too much without physical therapy sessions for three days.

We've had a lot of visitors too the last week.  Gene and Daleasha Hall from Oregon, Diana Temple from Illinois, my Dad, his wife Linda, and my brother Dan all left just a few days ago.  My mom is here for the next 5 days and my brother Bryan, his girlfriend Katie, and our friends Janeen and Jose Gutierrez are coming tomorrow.  It’s been a great help having everybody here and we look forward to seeing everybody else who's planning on coming to.  At last count, there are 36 people (all from out of state) that have or will come for multiple-night stays (many who have come 2 or more times) and probably also another 25 or so that have stopped by for a few hours on their way through town.  Kari is always elated to see people when they first get here, so I want to send a big thank you to all that have come.  Well, thanks for keeping up with us on the Blog and on the website, I always like to check how many hits the website has.  When you check here for updates, go through the website and click on the blog link, and that way the counter will get your hit (.  Anyways, in honor of the first week of middle school:

Omg, I’ll ttyl. G2g, so I’ll like cu soon or cul8r.

ur my bff, right? –Aaron

Even keels

2005-08-31T19:01:00.000-07:00

It's been good to be back with Kari again. She is coming out of a very hard period of pain and nausea. We hope in the next couple of days that her body will make adjustments to the powerful antibiotics that contribute much to her stomach pain, but which are needed to combat an intestinal infection. And we now know that much of her shoulder pain and headaches are due to very tense muscles. "The muscle up the back of my neck feels as hard as a rock," she says, and it is--though because of the collar she wears, it's hard to get back there and massage it much. We try, though, and she seems better able to sense when her muscles are tense and she needs to try to relax. Trying to relax is on her mind a lot, which is good, but ironic too: trying hard to relax is a paradox. When she was being suctioned just a few minutes ago and her arms were jerking upwards, she said to me a couple of times, "I'm trying hard to relax, I'm trying hard." It's working too. Her arms don't jerk up nearly so hard as they used to, and it's easier to bring them down afterwards.

Talking with Aaron over the last couple of days, I think he's just hoping to establish an even keel for himself and Kari and everyone, so that we all don't get too excited when good things happen, and we don't get too down when bad things do. The good and bad are all part of the process. Since we were speaking of the Cubs a few days ago, I thought of the Bulls. When Phil Jackson took over he said that his greatest concern was that the team got too high when it won and got too low when it didn't. They had to establish a more even keel and not rock back and forth so much. Don't get so excited about winning or losing: that sounds like a formula for mediocrity, but, as we know, it led to a great dynasty. Not getting too excited about "winning" might seem like we're not thankful enough to God, but that's not it either. It's hard to explain, and what comes to mind immediately is another sports analogy. When asked about what he thought about football players celebrating so outrageously when they scored a touchdown, one coach said he'd rather have a more muted celebration: you know, as if the player had been there before!

I think of God not only promising us victory, but of that victory already being won. We've been in that endzone over and over before. We can focus on the here and now and go through whatever it is, good or bad, because we know we have already won. Not rocking back and forth between highs and lows is, then, an expression of serenity and confidence. We'll be OK, no matter what it looks like now. Pray for us with this confidence and serenity.

--Richard R. Guzman

Ethiopia Trip Happenings (From Brett Noble)

2005-08-31T01:20:00.000-07:00

The Ethiopia trip is over and team has been back home for about a week now. I’d like to share with you all some of the highlights. Let me start by quoting from an e-mail that Pastor Rick sent to the team a few days before the trip: “Pray for protection, for God's direction and guidance, for Divine appointments each place we go, for the church in Dangla and throughout Ethiopia. Please continue to pray for Kari and Aaron each day.” My friends, God has answered those prayers and many others.

None of us were seriously sick, wounded, damaged, lost, shot at, arrested, trampled by hippos, or otherwise incapacitated during the entire trip. I’m pretty sure that was a miracle. We had a mission to accomplish, and by God’s grace we were able to see it through.

Many things did not go as planned. Big surprise. But it was clear that God’s hand was guiding us every day. Did someone mention Divine appointments? On Friday the 12th, we were supposed to be in Addis but ended up in Bahar Dar because of a plane ticket mix up. We took the extra day to travel to an island in the middle of lake Tana to tour a couple of old monasteries, which turned into an opportunity to share the gospel with some of the priests there. By the testimonies of some of our team and the help of our Ethiopian brothers, several of them received God’s gift of salvation!

Kari mentioned to me that she woke up during the night Thursday and felt compelled to pray for us. With the ten hour time difference, we figured this would have been the very time that our team was talking with the priests, as close as we can tell. Our team talked on a number of occasions about God using Aaron and Kari as part of the team even though they were not physically present with us, and I believe this is a specific example of how God used them to minister along side us, as part of our team.

Our teacher training was an overwhelming success, thanks to five of our team who poured themselves into it. I believe we’ve been invited back every year to repeat the star performance!

We did a whirlwind of work with the Ethiopia Eden project so I won’t try to get into all of those details except to say that it was fun, we truly seemed to provide real help in many ways, and God blessed all that we did.

As some of you know, one evening while our team was praying for Aaron and Kari, I received a specific call from God to go to Denver and to pray over Kari for healing, which my wife Shary and I did this last weekend. Aaron mentioned this in a previous post and described it well – we don’t quite know what happened. It wasn’t clear what God did or what He will do in Kari’s body. Yes, I am disappointed that Kari was not healed immediately. But I continue to trust that God sent me to Denver for a reason. I did my part as best as I understood from God, and I will leave God’s part in God’s hands, where it belongs.

Blessings to you all.

Brett Noble

Update from Aaron

2005-08-30T11:46:00.000-07:00

Hello All--

Kari is still on the up and down with the pain in her stomach and shoulders. Mostly on the down, though. They found that she has a bacterial infection in her G.I. tract and a staph infection in her lungs. Those are the main culprits of her stomach pain and the increased fluid in her lungs. The doctors have also reworked some of her medications because the 8 or so drugs that they were giving her at a time (which all went into her stomach tube) were also contributing to the upset stomach. In the morning today she had a PET scan (which is similar to a CAT scan) which was a little stressful, but all in all went well. Her ventilator settings were incorrect for about 10 min, but all her vitals were fine. They had originally scheduled the scan to try to find the source of her fever, but her temperatures have been basically normal for the last 2-3 days. Even so, they went ahead with it because it was already on the schedule and with the pain that she's in it might reveal something. A shoulder specialist came in today to work on her shoulder to and give her PT a little more guidance. She was good. You know someone's smart when you really can't understand what they're talking about but they explain it so well that you feel like you do. Anyways, I guess the good news in all of this is that they seem to be getting to the bottom of all these issues and it looks like we're coming out of what has been a very bad 2 weeks and starting to move forward.

Today is also the second day of classes at Gage. I want to send out a big thank you to Melissa Wilson, the Elementary band teacher that shares my office and whose students eventually come to me, and also to Kate Hicks who is filling in for me for at least the first few weeks of school. From what I've heard so far, things are going great, but keep them in your prayers as the beginning of the year is always hectic, especially for a new teacher, or if you're (like Mel is) trying to do your own job while helping someone else. I guess the best thing I can say about the two of them and the other band directors in Riverside who've been helping is that I'm not worried about school. ****Quick note to any of my students that are reading this***

U R GONNA GET IT GRANDE STYLE IF U MESS AROUND WHILE I'M GONE, REMEMBER I HAVE SASI, SO I KNOW WHERE U LIVE (in a very deep and evil voice) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA--CUL8R

***Quick not to any teachers, parents, and administrators that are reading this***

THAT WAS JUST A JOKE, I'M ONLY TRYING TO BE FUNNY--YOU CAN'T GET MAD AT A GUY FOR TRYING CAN U??

Okay, well I guess that's all the news--thank you all for the cards, we're starting to get bombarded with them.

Aaron.

Talker!

2005-08-28T22:37:00.000-07:00

Hello All--

It was definitely a great feeling to hear Kari speak for about an hour Saturday.  Other than a few previous times that she did cuff deflation, (it has to do with the tracheotomy tube) this was the first time I've heard her speak since the accident.  The other times were also only 2-3 minutes long and her voice didn't really sound normal.  This time, they installed a "Talker," which is what the respiratory people call the valve that they put on the end of Kari's trachea tube.  During the time that she was weaning from the ventilator, they put the one-way valve on which only lets air in, so when she exhales, her breath passes over her vocal chords, allowing her to speak.  (Normally, the air would escape through the trachea before it reached her vocal chords.)  Anyways, it wasn't exactly like her real voice--a little higher pitched and not quite as full--but none of us there were complaining.

Brett Noble and his wife Shary had also driven out for the afternoon from California to pray with Kari.  If you remember, Brett had been given an impartation from an Ethiopian man for Kari's healing.  I think the best way to describe what happened is that we don't know what happened.  There were no outward signs from Kari that a physical healing had taken place, so we are all still waiting in anticipation of what God will do--or the realization of what he did do.  After it was over, Kari said that she "had a lot more faith" and had been reminded of many of God's promises.  Later on in the evening, Brett and Shary gave us gifts that the team had brought back from Ethiopia--a drum, a malachite turtle, pictures, coffee, chocolate (from Germany), Ethiopian money, and some great stories.  A short summary of the trip will be on the Blog shortly.

As far as Kari's health goes, she still has ups and downs with her shoulder and stomach pain, and didn't get out of bed the last few days because of feeling dizzy and nauseous.  She is still very frustrated about not really moving forward for almost the past two weeks.  Reading your emails and letters has helped a great deal though, and some good friends of hers are here now, which is a great encouragement.  Thank you for all that you have done to support us.

P.S.  All the computer problems that I've had the last few weeks-(plus getting an iPod from my friends--you guys are the bestestest homeys ever) has almost turned me in to an Apple convert!

Short update from Aaron

2005-08-27T01:06:00.000-07:00

Hello All--

Just wanted to let you know that Kari was doing a little bit better the last day or so. Her fever is still up and down, but mostly down now, and the pain in her shoulders, while still intense, seems to have been managed better. She is a little worried about the about of medications that she's on. Meds for Pain, Anxiety, spasms, sodium, potassium, blood thinning, lung secretions (2 of those), neurological pain, nausea, and I think even a few more I forgot about.

The main reason that I'm writing, though, is that Kari has had issues with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which causes her to have a panic attack when there is a loud noise a siren, or a screeching car. Today, someone dropped something in the hallway and it triggered panic in Kari and it took her about half and hour to really calm down. We are going to try to work through a couple things with a counselor tomorrow. When I talked to the Psychologist a few days ago, she said that usually over time it becomes easier to talk about and remember the accident, but in Kari's case it seems to have been getting worse. This is very frustrating to Kari and makes her feel like she's going crazy. Pray that the Lord would comfort her when she feels anxious. Thanks

Aaron.

Update from Aaron

2005-08-25T06:43:00.000-07:00

Hello All--

The first meeting of the school year at Gage is today, so I am really missing home. The Ethiopia team is back safely and from what they've told me they had an amazing time with God over there. Brett and Shary Noble are coming from Cali to pray for Kari on Saturday as they were called to do in Ethiopia. Pray that the Lord would grant them favor.

Overall, the last 7 days have been very hard on Kari. She is battling almost constant pain in her shoulders, and when her medications wear off, the pain is so intense that she will start shaking. The last few days, too, Kari has had an upset stomach, and the fever has never really gone away. At last check it was 101.4. It is hard to get in a rhythm and really progress while constantly battling pain, fatigue and nausea. Kari hasn't done a ventilator wean in about 5 days now, and we hope to resume that today. It will be so much easier to do things without having to lug the vent everywhere. The bone scan an shoulder x-ray did not show anything, which is good, but the doctors aren't really sure what is causing the pain. The doctors believe the blood clot has stabilized and will probably not move, so there is not much else they do for it other than try to be careful with her leg. She was up in the chair yesterday and today and yesterday we got to go outside which was great. Anyways, it seems like we have been moving backwards this week, which I know is bound to happen, so pray that we are able to get back on track with PT and OT and that Kari's schedule becomes more consistent. Thank you all for everything-

Aaron.

Ron Santo pulling for Kari

2005-08-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

All in all this was a good day for Kari. Her fever was down most of the time, and perhaps they have even found another way to attack it. Her roomate Brittany had a lot of trouble with fever. She was given some medication to keep calcification down in the joints, and there's some thought that Kari might be experiencing pain and fever because of that too. When they gave Brittany the medication, her fevers went away. X-Rays revealed that there's no serious damage to Kari's shoulder, so excess calcification might be the culprit. Things are better enough that the plan is to get Kari back on schedule tomorrow, which may be a relief after having to stay in bed, and not even being able to have the head of the bed raised up much for about three days now. She did a one-hour wean today as a kind of preparation.

Reading blog comments is always interesting. One nurse tried to explain why there might have been delays the other night, and that causes me to want to say that on the whole the care at Craig has been very fine. Kari has grown fond of many of the nurses, techs, and respiratory therapists, and the doctors have been excellent. It's a very, very good team. One of her techs was paralyzed for half a year herself, and even blind for a couple of those months, so she has a special sympathy for the patients she takes care of. "I just love Kari," she said to me several times, and you could tell she meant it. A couple of comments on the blog seem to be from people who really do like it, but also want to plug their own businesses. It's hard to control cyberspace, so we grin and bear it.

But something to really smile about happened at the Cubs game today--and, of course, it wasn't the Cubs' play. Rick and Aaron ran into Ron Santo, the legendary Cub third baseman. Aaron told Santo all about Kari and gave him the website URL. Pretty much a life-long diabetic who's had both legs amputated, Santo can sympathize in a special way too. He said he'd be pulling for Kari and gave her a hat signed "Get well soon, Kari -- Ron Santo." On the website, look for pictures of the meeting, and Kari in her Santo hat soon. And pray with special focus on the coming week, asking that Kari can get back on track.

--Richard R. Guzman