I ended up writing this posting over a few days because for some reason the blog wasn’t allowing me to post.
9/8 – 2:00 A.M.
Last night, Kari suddenly started feeling incredibly sleepy and couldn't stay awake. She was acting like she was on sedation and seemed a bit delirious, but none of her medications had been changed. Even though her numbers all looked good, she was complaining continuously of not being able to breathe or get enough air. This lasted for about 24 hours as Kari slept through most of the day, never really waking up nor eating anything, and not being able to keep her eyes open for more than a minute or so. I was actually getting pretty worried as Kari just didn't seem like herself. The doctors figured it was all due to anxiety, because there was no other explanation for it. Her therapy, driving around in her chair, and doing transfers and weight shifts all give Kari a lot of anxiety, but last night and all day today Kari seemed to be completely overwhelmed. I also wanted to ask you all to pray against fear. Kari tends to worry a bit, but nothing like she has been, and even the doctors have noticed a change in her over the past 2-3 weeks, primarily since her blood clot. There is definitely a lot to worry about for her, but pray specifically against the fear of failing. "What if I can't..." or "What if I don't..." seem to be common phrases for Kari. Its not that Kari isn’t relying on God, but sometimes her fear can hold her back. Again, it’s definitely understandable to be afraid when you have very little control of your own body, and relying on God for physical things can be a lot harder than relying on him for spiritual or emotional things. It can be hard for anybody to break away from seeking approval through performance, and when there’s not a lot you can do…well, you get the point. Still, though, I am happy to report that all the emails and letters, donations, visits.....and everything else people are doing gives Kari and me a great boost of confidence.
9/8 –10:00 P.M.
Well, after writing all that, I must say that today was a much better day. It seems that God is already answering my prayers. (God moves faster than the internet!)
Kari drove herself all the way outside and generally looked good today. Pray as always for strength and endurance for her as a few hours of therapy knocks her out pretty good. Kari also had her trachea tube changed to a smaller size today, which will make it easier for her to talk when she weans from the ventilator.
One more nice piece of news: It seems that someone from the Chicago area is going to donate to us a minivan that is already wheelchair accessible. It’s older, but it doesn't have very many miles, and even if it isn't something we'll keep forever, it will be great to have one right away. Modifications can take months to complete. Well, I thank all of you again for keeping up with and praying for us--this would be impossible alone.
9/9 –6:00 P.M
Kari weaned for five hours today, which is her longest wean in almost a month and double her longest since she got her blood clot and infections about 3 weeks ago. The respiratory people were very happy. She also was able to speak with her “talkie” valve for most of the time. She seemed to be doing amazingly well when she got nauseated suddenly which kept her from going on a little outing with her OT to an ice cream shop. The shoulder pain and nausea seem to come in waves very suddenly which pretty much puts her back in bed. She was a bit bummed, but still happy for feeling alright for 3 straight hours—more than she has in a long time. Kari’s parents and aunt are here, and she has really enjoyed being with them too. Hopefully Kari will feel well enough this weekend to go outside and just practice getting around in her chair. Thanks for keeping up with us. It always cheers Kari up to read your emails! (email@example.com)
P.S. I think most of you "got it," but the poem was just me trying to sort out the juxtaposition of the incredible blessings we've received along with the deep sadness.