Thursday, October 06, 2005

Update 10/6

Hello All—

Well, this is the worst night yet.  After having a good morning, Kari ate lunch with us and I took my dad back to the airport.  When I got back to the hospital around 2:30 Kari was sleeping.  She had done so well with her PT in bed this morning and was totally normal mentally so we were planning on getting her up in her chair for a while.  She had much less pain and spasms too.  Around 3:00 Kari needed to be turned, so I woke her up (we try to wake her up first so we don’t startle her) to see if she wanted to stay in bed or get up and drive around like we were planning.  She was totally incoherent—even more so than before.  Usually she at least can somewhat listen to what people are saying and eventually can follow a few instructions, but this time she didn’t even know who she was.  She screamed and thrashed around in her bed for about an hour, spasming so violently that she kept hitting herself in the face.  Finally, she went to sleep and slept soundly until 7:15.  When she woke up she wasn’t any better.  For the last four hours, she has been screaming complete nonsense, repeating the last words she heard over and over again, constantly yelling obscenities (which if you know Kari, you know it’s the first time I’ve heard her talk like that) and trying to bite her hand when it flies up to her mouth.  It is so frustrating and it gets scary when she wants to shake her head violently back and forth.  We know that if she would try to relax and do the kind of breathing that my dad had worked with her that the spasms would decrease, but she is not able to make sense of anything that we say.  She just holds her breath for a few seconds and then lets out a loud scream and thrashes around.  This is the worst and most “gone” she’s been-even worse that the first night this all started.  Her whole body just trembles, and even when she doses off for a minute or two, her face is all contorted like she’s crying out in pain.  

I feel like I should add a closing paragraph here where I try to make sense of this all, but to tell you the truth, I don’t think there’s really anything else to write.  I just can’t tell you how much I hate this.  At this point, I don’t really even care if Kari ever walks or uses her hands again; I just want my wife back and for her not to be in pain.  It makes me so angry and frustrated that Kari won’t listen to me or her mother (who’s here with me now), and I can’t figure out why she would want to hurt herself.  It’s like I’m watching her stab herself with a knife and she refuses to stop.  We’re trying just letting her go right now because nothing that we say or do has any effect on her.  She refuses to even drink any water and just bites on the straw.  Pray for me too.  I’d choose just about anything else in the world than to watch Kari go through this.

Aaron.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

My heart is breaking for you

Anonymous said...

Dear Aaron
It is not just Kari that is going through this. It is you and your family and her family and anyone who knows her. We just want you to know how much we care and that we pray daily for you all. We will pray especially hard for your continued strength and for Kari's pain and spasms to go away. Please don't give up, Aaron. We know that this is like the worst nightmare and you just can't wake up, but God is there for you and He will help you both.Love you both, Julie and Linda

Anonymous said...

Dear Aaron-
I am so sorry you and Kari are going through all this. Like the previous person who left a comment, my heart hurts when I read how difficult life can be. I think about you often....
Julie Olson

Anonymous said...

another heart breaking for you both, and thinking about you every day

susan colby said...

I am here praying every day for you. I read every day, pray and send my love to you. My heart is breaking for you too. Just keep writing Aaron, you need support. I will see you soon. Susan

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say that will make anything you are going through less painful. I read the site daily and hope for positive news. I'm still in shock this has all happened. We ALL want more then anything for Kari to be better. I'm just so sorry....
Tracy Anderson

John said...

Aaron:

I almost wish that Cyndi and I would have waited until now to spend time with you, rather than when we did. It really hurts to read your postings - not only to hear what Kari is going through but what you are suffering through as well. To put it bluntly, it plain sucks! I wish there was more that we could do.

I continue with the prayers and hope that some "normalcy" will return to your lives. I plead this to God.

Love you and hurt with you.

John

Anonymous said...

Aaron,

I read this today in my daily readings for the OT from Ecc. 8:

14 There is a vanity which occurs on earth, that there are just men to whom it happens according to the work of the wicked; again, there are wicked men to whom it happens according to the work of the righteous. I said that this also is vanity.

Also, I am reading through Psalms, and Ps. 22 was on my daily reading today:

1 My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me? Why are You so far from helping Me, And from the words of My groaning?
2 O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear; And in the night season, and am not silent.

Both passages seem appropriate for this situation.

Last thought from Ps. 25

"To you, Oh Lord, I lift up my soul, O My God I trust in You. Let me not be ashamed. Let not my enemies triumph over me. Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed."

I love you.

Nathan

Anonymous said...

Dear Aaron, All we know to say right now is that you are being held up in prayer. We are having a healing service at church this Sunday evening and I plan to go forward and be anointed on behalf of Kari. We love you both and wish we could be there to help carry the load. Much love, Aunt Ruth and Uncle Dean

Joy said...

Dearest Aaron,

How our hearts break. Thank you again for your honesty. Know that you're being prayed for too. We'll be praying that the true Kari will shine through. We love you both dearly.

Wishing we could shoulder the pain,
Nate and Joy

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to leave a comment to let people know that I just talked to Aaron a few minutes ago (4 p.m. on Friday 10/7). He said Kari is quite a bit better, is up in her wheelchair, and they were getting ready to go outside. Thank God!

Aaron says he is getting about 5-6 hours of sleep a night. Not great, but not too bad.

I wanted people to be able to relax a little, but still continue to pray as much as ever.

Alice Guzman

Anonymous said...

Aaron--Just sent you a comment, but it didn't go through. You're being a great husband to Kari, taking on her pain just as Christ takes on the pain of His bride, the Church. You truly became one when the two of you got married. I see from the comments that you have tons of prayer support, which is no small thing. The Lord hears and cares, even if we don't see evidence of that right away. God bless and keep both of you, and meet your every need. ---Diane B.

Anonymous said...

Aaron,

I'm really sorry and sad for what Kari and you are going through. You are trully wonderful people. I'm not really a religious person by nature,,but I think tonight after reading a few of the entries and with what she is going through..I will say something to the 'Big Guy' upstairs tonight.

Stay positive



Jim Fusek

Linda Bonifas-Guzman said...

Aaron-
I can't imaging the fear, frustration, restlessness and anger you are feeling.
The closest I can come is to remember back to a particularly bad night I spent with Kari at Swedish. She was in a lot of pain and felt surrounded by evil. When she did finally sleep, it was restless. The instinct was so strong to protect, that I drove away visitors, staff and even you Aaron. I remember wanting peace for her and relief for meyself. It was so emotionally hard to go throught it.
But I am not Kari's spouse or constant caretaker. I am able to come to help for a while and then go back into the larger world.
I wish there were words eloquent enough, or a white horse to ride in to save the day...anything.
But ultimately, all any of us can do is to offer our support, words,thoughts and prayers...that I do with the rest.
Linda

heather velloff said...

Aaron,
Thank you again for your update. I too wish beyond wish to come in and somehow "take it all away." But all I can do is tell you again that I am constantly knocking on heaven's door for both of you. I always thank God for the Christ-like love you are demonstrating and your true honesty.
I know that there are better days ahead for both of you. Hang in there and keep believing!
Love,
Heather

Anonymous said...

Aaron & Kari- When you see that almost 30,000 hits have been made to your website, you know that many are thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer. I am so sorry you are both having to go through this intense time in your life, but I do see two extremely strong people doing what they need to do to get through it. Your love for and hope in the Lord will continue to carry you. It is okay to get discouraged and wonder why you are being put through this. Who wouldn't? Hopefully Kari's medications will get straightened out, and she won't get so scared. It will all be okay. Remember, God never gives us more than we can handle. Keep looking up!

DesertPastor said...

Aaron,
I'm praying and hurting and praying even more for you and Kari this weekend. It probably feels like a nightmare you're all in the middle of - a nightmare that's so hard to imagine... all I can do is think of the hellish, nightmarish things I've had to go through before. But I can tell you this: Jesus is hurting right there with you -- even when it seems to us that he's either away on vacation or just choosing to do nothing.

You guys will get through this latest barrage, and please know that many, many people - including lots of folks you've never even met - are continuing to pray on your behalf. Only good can come of that.

You are loved! - Chris Monroe

Anonymous said...

Aaron and Kari,
We read daily and think of both of you often. We can't imagine all of the emotional strain you must be going through daily. Know that you are loved...long distance hugs for you both.
Pam and Andrew Jones